You just never know what might pop out of my mouth at any given moment. I might be talking about my Indian Ringneck, or Full Time RVing. Maybe I'll be talking about the path to happiness or griping about the state of healthcare or maybe about chronic illness. I have lots to say and sometimes I'm just plain RANDOM.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Hope!

Hope


Sad eyes, you are seen
You are loved
Believe

Worried soul
You are so much more
Hang on

Frail body
You are strong
Fight

Cluttered mind
You are brilliant
Shine

Tired spirit
The light is there
Look

Frightened being
There is more
Hope


Saturday, June 16, 2012

The Darkness will not Win


The Darkness will not Win


Colors swirling dark and bland,
Pain of body and mind,
The agony such a cruel joke.
Life can be unkind,
Fly away on gossamer wings.
Dream the magic you need,
Life no peace, sleep no rest,
But peace in the fantasy.
Who are you, asked in muttered tones?
The answer is not plain.
Who do you pretend to be?
Are they one and the same?
Darkness swirling, closing fast.
Must not let it win.
Moments of peace within the dream,
Reignite that light within.

Friday, June 15, 2012

I See It


I See It


I see it, this illusion, that I've built for myself.
It is not delusion if you know the truth.
Life is not what appearances seem,
But how do you live in this world without dreams.
Reality swirls in colors deep purple and grey,
While the fantasy shows in brightness.
Pain wracks the real, there is no dancing,
But in paradise nothing impossible.
The figment, that dream, one's secret place.
The only thing that is bearable.
So embrace your illusion, dare to dream.
Embrace the repreave from reality.
Reality is only a necessity of living,
While life takes place in the mind.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Living in Pain


It's such a pain to live in pain. How do I explain to those who do not live with it every day of their lives? How do I begin to help you understand?

I have a friend who recently got hit with some very severe pain and she is lucky. She is having surgery that should fix it or at least fix it more than it is right now. There is no operation that will fix me.

Most days I can't walk far, meaning to my bathroom is about it. Most days I am in pain no matter what I do. Even when I sleep, I wake often to shift positions because of intense pain so it's not restful.

I am having trouble eating because my jaw is popping so much and my stomach is having serious issues with digestion.

My head hurts constantly. It's like a migraine that never really goes away and often it's worse than any migraine I'd ever had before the recent past.

I can't even do all my own shopping. I have to have a riding cart and someone to get stuff from the shelves. For God's sake I'm only 41. But it's impossible to explain.

And worse than the pain are the people. Well meaning folks who want to understand and help but get frustrated when what they are telling me doesn't work for me. Doctors who have no idea why I'm suffering so much. People who just think I'm crazy or making it up. People who think it can't possibly be 'that' bad and think I'm over-reacting. People who do not understand why I can't do all the things they think I should be doing.

I know many people with my illnesses struggle even with their own spouses, children and close family for some spec of understanding. I thank God I have my husband. He too suffers in pain but not as much as I and he takes good care of me. I thank God for my son who helps me with everything and makes sure it gets done when I cannot. I don't know what I'd do if they didn't really 'get it'.

Some days I honestly can't help but wonder why anyone should have to live in such pain and agongy. I wonder why my life has to be so extremely exhausting. Then the day passes into another and another. A moment of peace passes so quickly that it's often gone before I've had a chance to truly appreciate it.

There are many invisible illnesses and those of us with them often make them more invisible because we don't want to sound like we are complainers. We often pretend that we are better than we actually are until it is so bad that there is no hiding it. We adjust over time to a new level of normal pain and just as we adjust the disease decides to make it worse. And for us there is no relief, there is no cure, there is no magic thing that will fix us. We can take medicines to alleviate it a bit, we can do activities and things that help for a while but in the end we just have to learn to live with it.

If you know someone with one of these invisible illnesses remember this. The next time they are showing signs of pain it's much worse than you think it is because they do not want you to see.

I'm Learning


I'm learning. Learning to let go. Learning to worry about me as much as if not more than others. I used to give a million chances and excuses for the behaviour of others but I'm learning that there has to be a limit to what I take. I'm learning.

I know everyone has a bad day. I know everyone has difficult moments. I have already learned that I cannot expect from others the behaviour I expect from myself. I logically know that I cannot expect the behaviour from others to match what I expect from myself, but I often get dissappointed anyway because in my heart I still have that hope I guess.

 I've gotten to a point now where at least when it happens I don't get angry anymore. I know it's my own fault for having unrealistic expectations. I'm learning to let those expections go. Sadly, at least for me, I am learning if I must have expectations they have to be a whole lot lower.

Logically I know having expectations is a mistake to begin with but I think we all have expectations of our lives, our friends, the people around us. It is a natural part of us even if we do not readily recognize it.

I'm learning. I'm learning to let go of the responsibility I feel for the world. I can only be responsible for ME. And though logically I have always known that, I know I take far too much on sometimes.

Even though I KNOW these things it's still a lesson I'm learning because I have to learn how to worry about me more than others. I have to learn to let go when my instincts tell me to hang on. I have to learn to accept that another's behaviour doesn't say something about me, it says something about them. And I have to learn that I have limited responisibilities in ALL that I do and stick to what's mine.

I'm getting there every day and talking to amazing people that I have in my life helps me remember these things and think them through before I react to something that I shouldn't even be worrying about.

Picture for a Crazy good friend!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Dreams Of an Unreal Past


Dreams Of An Unreal Past

 Last night was not reality
Dreams often are not true
The past was different in my mind
These dreams I had of you
The kindness that you gave to me
In this land of wishful things
Was all that I had hoped for
The child within could sing
That shy and frightened little girl
She vanished in this dream
Replaced by confidence and hope
And no more silent screams
This bookish, awkward, little twig
Walked with head held high
No pointing laughing unkind words
At her when she walked by
But in this oddish dream time
She grew not into me
I missed the person that I am
The person I must be
So, though I can never thank you
For the painful memories
I am grateful that who you were
Made me into me




Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Do you know?


Do You Know

Oh so young, Just kids were we
That time of youth
Wild and free?
Not me!
I was afriaid, I was so shy
Feelings bottled in
You never knew why
I would sit and cry
I loved you so, my cherished friend
My foolish crush
Made it end
On you I did depend
Every day after school you would vist me
Then one day I hurt you
And then so suddenly
There was no we
30 years have gone by and I regret this even now
I think of you, do you even know
That you were important 
And loved
Somehow?



Monday, June 4, 2012

This Love Remains


This Love Remains




You are in my mind today
And I miss your face
You were in my dreams
I miss your arms embrace
I see your smile
In my mind’s eye
And a happy tear
It makes me cry
Though far from me
You are always near
This place in my heart
Is just for you dear
Know that my love
Is eternal for you
No matter the distance
That love remains true

By Tracy Seekins