Dear Husband

Dear Husband (John),

Have I told you lately that I love you? Reminded you how important and precious you are to me? I know you don't always believe that you are special, but you are. You are my hero.

Let me recount just a few ways in which that is true, but please remember that this is no where close to all of them. Every day in a hundred little ways you are my hero and I fall in love with you all over again.

I would have to say that first and foremost you saved me. You saved me from myself. When we got together I was in a dark place. I was lost, afraid, and withdrawn. I had no ability to make rational judgements or trust myself in any way. Instead of growing in my last long term relationship I had shrunk into nothing. You saved me from all of that.

You were patient and kind. You reminded me that you were NEVER going to hurt me and that I didn't have to fear you. You constantly reminded me to be myself. It took a lot of years but you stood by me and took the time it needed to rebuild my self esteem and strength. And then you helped it grow into so much more.

If it hadn't been for those building blocks that YOU provided I never could have accomplished all that I have done. I never could have been a talk radio hostess or even share my writing online as I do. I never could have made some of the amazing friends we've met over the years because I would have been too afraid.

So thank you for loving me enough to help me become a whole person again and for having the patience that it took to help get me there.

I also want to thank you for being who you always are but moreso when we lost our child. I know you don't really see the strength you showed at that time because you too were suffering but even in your suffering you so often put me first. I saw that. You gave me space when you knew it was right to and you were there for me when I couldn't stand alone.

So many marraiges crumble at the loss of a child but because of who you are, who WE are, it just brought us that much closer. You were and are my strength in the times I needed you and need you the most. I know you don't always realize that but I will continue to tell you until someday you understand.

Over the years you have been not only my strength but the strength for others as well. Your kind heart has helped so many of our friends and family. Your generosity has blessed so many. And each and every time it melts my heart and reminds me why you are so amazing and I fall in love all over again.

Even now, as my body fights me at every turn, you are there for me. You support me and help me in ways you don't even understand. Just seeing you across the room, knowing you love me, having you near me, is a comfort in my weakest of moments.

You take care of me when I cannot do it myself. You make sure I'm okay even when you aren't always doing so well yourself. You might not see it. You might not understand it. I know you have a difficult time accepting it.

I'll keep telling you until someday it sinks in and then I'll continue to tell you, because you are amazing and strong and I wouldn't be who I am without you. I love you more than words can ever express.

Love
Tracy

My review of "Fifty Shades of Grey"

I'm not even sure why I decided to read this book and thus far I have only read the first one in the trilogy, but I will say I prefer to read something myself and develop my own opinion on it rather than simply accepting the judgements of others who may or may not have read it.

When I first heard of the book I didn't have any information about it except for the name and an opinion of someone I do not know that she loved the book. It had been so long since I had found any book interesting enough to finish that I thought I might try this one if I got the chance.

I wrote that I wanted to read this book on my facebook and immediately a friend contacted me and said I shouldn't do anything until she and I talked. I figured it didn't really matter because I probably wasn't going to have the chance or money to buy this book anyway.

Then, over the weekend, my husband and I decided to get ourselves out of the house for once and we went to a bookstore for the first time in ages. I wasn't even thinking about Fifty Shades of Grey, more about getting a couple magazines and maybe stumbling upon a book that I might enjoy but no clear idea of what.

I did in fact buy a couple of magazines I enjoy, Psychology Today and Scientific American Mind. I know I'm odd, but I enjoy this type of reading material.

Then, as we were about to leave the store, there it was, Fifty Shades of Grey. I made some comment about finding after I'd already bought something and my husband asked me what it was. All I knew was that it was supposed to be a very good book and that it was erotic in some way. Of course the minute I said erotic my husband immediately told me to buy it. I just laughed.

We walked around the mall a bit but on the way back through I did in fact buy the book just on a whim. I thought, why not.

When we got home I read the first couple of chapters and then I called my friend who had wanted to discuss this with me before I read it. She was displeased and I could hear it in her voice. She told me that the book is a poor representation of the BDSM community and that it promotes the abuse of women. I was a bit taken aback. Had I just bought some terrible book? Was this book really going to be about the poor treatment of women?


Well now I was more curious than ever. If she was right then I would speak out against it but I needed to make the assessment myself. I am not closed minded or uptight and wasn't concerned about the sex scenes in the book being too much for me. I was more concerned I was going to find some real traumatic things within these pages.

I continued reading and found myself extremely drawn into the storyline. The sex scenes were not written all that well and were in fact not the more interesting part of this book. In my opinion the story could not have been written without the concept of them though because they are an integral part of the characters and the story.

What I found were some very interesting characters. I read reviews on the internet that tear these characters apart for this reason or that reason but in reality they are incredibly diverse and funny and fun to watch within the pages as they grow closer to one another.

Christian has a dark side but he has so many other sides to him as well. Sides even he has not explored and is slowly discovering through his developing love for Ana. Ana is sweet and innocent and in that she brings out some of the best sides of Christian while she explores the darker sides of herself.

That is not to say that BDSM has to be considered dark all the time. Actually some of even what is portrayed in the book is loving and sensual more than dark.

In my opinion the writing in this book is not terrible and maybe not one of the greats but it's certainly done well enough. The storyline is where it's at here. There is an amazing love story that people are far to easily dismissing because their own uptight 'morality' keeps them from seeing it.

If you feel you cannot handle the sexual expressions within this book then you probably should not read it, but if you are comfortable enough with yourself and your sexual being then this book is actually a really good read.

The love story, the character development, the unspoken undertones within the pages are my favorite kind because it all makes you think. It allows you to explore the different parts of the human psyche. This book is definite book club material because there is plenty to discuss and ponder about.

Quite honestly I do in fact plan to read the other two books in this series. I don't think I would have but I will admit I was so furious with the way book one ended that now I have to see how the story continues. I'll let you know if/when I manage to buy and read them.

Fibromyalgia Monster

Fibromyalgia, the invisible monster in your body. It is widely misunderstood by not only family and friends but by our own doctors. It is often misdiagnosed or completely ignored out of ignorance or lack of information. It is impossible to see on most days and, even on those days when the symptoms are readily visible, most people think it is simply something temporary or 'all in your head'.

Fibromyalgia does has it's own set of difficulties and symptoms but it also seems to make those of us unfortunate enough to live with it more easily susceptible to a slew of other ailments. Almost as if the disease is lonely and wishes for playmates and some genie grants the wish. Suddenly the body that is suffering already with the pain and often debilitating symptoms of the fibro itself is invaded by all it's playmates. Some of whom decide it is a lovely place to visit but then they leave for greener pastures, others of which decide to move in and keep the fibro more permanent company.

If you are one of those folks with the misfortune to be diagnosed with this mysterious ailment, which even doctors are still baffled by, then you know what I speak of. Your symptoms probably started small, with a knee popping or some interesting, unknown, pains surfacing in different parts of your body. This might have been accompanied by anxiety, which always seems to go hand in hand with Fibromyalgia, like a wife or child it seems to come as a package deal. You might also have already had what they call TMJ, which is basically your jaw popping in and out of place and sometimes even locking out of position until forced back in.

But, you also probably learned to live with the minor or major discomforts. You learned your limitations and your abilites. You learned how to continue living even with this monster inside you.

Then one day flu season comes along. Somehow you have managed to catch it. "Okay" you say to yourself, "I've had the flu before and, though it isn't any fun, I can deal with it". What you didn't realize is that now that the fibro has a good hold on your body how much fun the flu would have playing with it. You didn't realize how much more your bones and joints would ache, how much more your stomach would hurt, and how much longer you would be sick with it. What lasts everyone else maybe a week goes on for three or four weeks for you. It hangs on like never before and seems to want to take up residence. Then one day thankfully it gets bored and moves out.

Down the road, as you've adjusted to all the other little things you have discovered about fibro and it's companions, you begin to develop symptoms that don't seem to fit your current diagnosis. You call the doctor, which is probably not a fun prospect because even the ones who accept fibro and somewhat understand it don't really 'get it', and you get an appointment. Tests are scheduled, more than you can stand, results gathered, and finally you are given another diagnosis. They aren't saying you don't have fibromyalgia, they are simply saying it has a new friend called -insert name here-. It varies but with our disease we are prone to so many other possible long term illnesses. Some are tolerable and others are debilitating, depressing, and almost impossible to live with.

The other side of an invisible illness like this are the people. Friends, family, strangers, and doctors, who do not seem to even want to understand. They think we are lazy, crazy, making it up, over-reacting, or some other belief that makes them treat us like we are less than they are. It seems it somehow gives them the right to talk to us disrespectfully or with an utter lack of compassion.  It makes this disease 100 times more difficult to live with when those around you, those closest to you, those who you need to trust the most, don't seem to even want to understand or make an effort.

Today, for instance, I woke up in SO much pain. I cannot move still at this moment or it's excruciating. I was in tears all morning. I'd had almost no sleep due to the pain all night. I thought I might have to go to the hospital. My husband, sweet as he is, looked at me and with so much love and concern in his eyes said "I wish there were something I could do for you". What he didn't realize is he just did.

I hate days like this, when I can't really give him attention because my body seems to hate me. I always feel guilty and worthless. And this amazing, understanding man knew just what to say, even if he wasn't aware of it.

He convinced me to try to get a bit of rest, even though laying down seemed to cause even more pain. He came into the room with me and laid down with me just to rub my arm in comfort. Then he took his hands and placed them on my neck and shoulder, which were causing me the most trouble, and tried to will the pain away from me. It worked. The comfort and care he provided allowed me enough relief that I managed to fall asleep. I still didn't sleep well but it was rest nonetheless.

I am one of the lucky ones. One of those who has an amazing support system. My husband understands. My mother understands, I often call her when I'm really sick just to hear her voice. My best friend understands. My youngest son understands and helps me around the house as much as he can. They know I have my good days and when I do we can enjoy them. They also know I have my bad days, which sometimes last longer than a day, and when I do they do their best to help me through them and remind me that they love me no matter what. I don't think I'd get through the pain I'm currently experiencing without them.

Hidden Lessons....

I was watching yet another show about teens and their high school lives tonight. This time it was Dawson's Creek, before that it was One Tree Hill and before that it was Greek. They are all amazing shows for their own reasons and in their own way.

Shows like these make you think. They mean different things to different people. For some, like me sitting here at 41 years old, they remind me of a time when dreams were possible. They make me wonder about my own childhood years. They make me look back on my own parenting triumphs and terrible mistakes. They evoke emotions for me that sometimes are wonderful and other times are traumatic but all of them help me to think about things and work through things that I may have tucked away in order to deal with them in my own way and time.

For others, who might be teenagers themselves, I hope they remind them that there is hope within their dreams and there are so many different things they could dream of doing and being. I hope these shows remind them to BE young while still working toward any future it is that they desire and that they can do both.

Then their are those young parents who might be watching a show like this. I pray this is a reminder to them to support their children and guide them but with love and compassion. I know there were times when I might have shut down one of my children's dreams because I worried that they would end up poor and struggling if they didn't focus on something I felt was more attainable. I am forever sorry for those choices because it is important to both you and your child for them to feel your pride, your love, your support, no matter how difficult that might be. It is important for your children to feel loved even when they make mistakes or have dreams that might not match your own for them.

Some people simply find shows entertaining or vaguely interesting. They are an escape from our own world into one that doesn't effect our own future. On a deeper level though, if you look and really think about them, they are teaching us. There is a lesson there in the semi-reality of these shows that can help us to do something different and important for ourselves and for others.

The next time you are watching any show go ahead and allow that show to help you escape. Get involved for that hour or those many hours with the characters and plot lines. Let it take you on whatever emotional tour it wants to take you on, and then find the deeper meaning. Compare it to your own life. What is this show trying to teach you, show you, or help you understand. No movie or show is created without some sort of message, that's what makes them so special. There is a lesson in every single story even if it is hidden deeply beneath the hollywood exterior.

Remembering the joy

It was almost 21 years ago when I gave birth to my very first child. I remember that pregnancy so clearly. I remember every kick, every emotion, every pain and joy. I remember the sadness of doing it alone but the love I so immediately felt for this little tiny life growing within me.

I remember the moment the doctor told me I was pregnant. My first reaction was terror and anger mixed with so much love and joy. It had only been about a year since I had miscarried. I was frightened I might lose this child. I was terrified that I might not. Could I even be a mother? Was I ready? And how on earth would I manage it financially, emotionally? All I could do was cry.

The tears did not fall from sadness but from the shear terror that had me in it's icy grip. The terror that I was not worthy of this amazing gift or that I would mess it up somehow. What I didn't realize then is NO parent is perfect and we all make mistakes. Every parent screws up along the way. The only thing I was completely certain of was the love I felt. The amazing connection to this little life I had to protect that was growing within me.

I was already 10 weeks pregnant or thereabouts. There was no internet then so I couldn't just google search to see what my baby looked like then but I went right out and bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I flipped through it's pages and stared at the pictures of what my baby looked like right now and would over the coming weeks. I read the book over and over throughout my pregnancy and did everything I was supposed to in order to try to have a healthy, intelligent baby.

When you are pregnant the time seems to go by so slowly. Looking back it seemed to go by in the blink of an eye. It is a wonderful amazing time. I remember the first time I felt Kyle move in my belly. It was exciting and insane. That moment of realization that a person is growing inside you can be really surprising.

Then came that first ultrasound. The moment when I could find out the gender of this little child within me. Did I want to know? Should I let it be a surprise? HA! Yeah right! I am about the most impatient person on the planet. Like I could really wait. Knowing could help me with the naming and the shopping. Of course I wanted to know. And fortunately, unlike with most ultrasounds that are uncertain and difficult to read, there was no doubt with mine that I was having a beautiful baby boy.

My mother was wonderful about it all. The love of her life had died several months before this little bundle of joy entered our realm of possibility. She helped me with everything and she did it with such love. It brought a smile back to her face that I feared might be gone forever. It took away the grief, if only for moments at a time, and the fear that we both had been experiencing.

I remember toward the end of my pregnancy I had gained so much weight and my body was reacting so badly that I was miserable. I was tired and in pain all the time. I prayed this child would hurry his way into this world, but I wanted him to wait long enough to be sure he was safe so I was ever so careful.

As my due date got closer with no sign of this child ever leaving the comfort of my womb, I began to get desperate to go into labor. I not only wanted to relieve my body from the ever increasing discomfort but I wanted to see my child. I wanted to hold him in my arms and watch him sleep, which he didn't do in my belly much anymore.

My mother and I had read that sometimes walking could induce labor so we decided to take a trip to the mall. We walked the whole length of it and back again to no avail. At home I would stand behind our Canadian rocker and move like I was walking as much as I could. Again nothing.

On Christmas Eve, the night before my due date, a friend's son called me and played jingle bells on his new keyboard to me. The funny thing is he played in in all laughing which got me laughing and suddenly there it was, labor at last.

At the hospital I pushed for 12 hours before they finally called the surgeon to do a c-section. By the time they gave me the anesthesia I was barely breathing and the moment it hit my whole body relaxed. It was a moment of bliss. Then off to the operating room.

I don't know how long it took but it wasn't long before my little boy was out, breathing, and crying like crazy.

In the hospital room I didn't want to let him go. I held him and smiled and cried and felt more love than I ever thought was possible. There he was this amazing little boy. This child who had grown in my belly. This little creature who had fluttered and kicked within me. There he was, with a head full of hair and 10 little fingers and 10 little toes.

Never in my life have I felt so much joy as when I was pregnant, feeling that little life grow within me, and the moment each of them were born and within my arms.

All in all I've had three children but four pregnancies. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. And though the man who fathered that child was not a man I ever would have wanted to share a part of my life with and I might never have escaped from if we had achieved having that child, it destroyed me for a time. I still to this day miss the child I never had. I knew her from the moment she was conceived. And though I know that life did for she and I what needed doing by keeping us both out of a very difficult situation, I will always love her. 

Thankfully my other 3 were all born healthy and into a family that loved them with everything within them to do so. Every one of my children has been a blessing in my life. I know life might have been easier if I'd chosen a different path but I will never regret the path I did choose and the lives that became a part of mine because they were my children, my life.

Disability and Medical Care

Everybody thinks that just because I’m disabled means my Medicare will cover everything I need medically. What most people do not realize is Medicare doesn’t cover a lot of things.

1. Medicare doesn’t cover the surgery my husband needs, at least not in it’s entirety and what we need up front is A LOT. 
2. Medicare does not cover Physical Therapy for PAIN and I am in a lot of pain ALL the time.
3. Medicare does not cover all the medicines we each take every month for our serious heath conditions. I’m currently paying over $130 a month in medicines. Granted I'm glad for the coverage we have because it would be over $500 a month without it. 
4. Medicare does not cover certain tests that my doctor insists I need to have but cannot afford so oh well.

I’m sure there are more but this is just the things I’ve currently run across. And did you know that not everyone on disability even gets medicare?

I do because I get SSD, which means the money’s I paid in to the government while I worked toward social security are being used to help me now. But people who get SSI, which means basically just Social Security Income instead of their insurance, may not receive Medicare. They can but it costs a LOT of money every month and many cannot afford that money to come out of what little they get. Some don’t even get the option of getting medicare at all.

So just because someone is on disability don’t make the assumption that they can receive all their needed health care or that they are automatically taken care of. Many times this is not even close to the case.

Not that I think health care in this country is doing well in general but people with less income, less money, really do receive a lesser quality of care. People who can afford to pay for basically anything truly do get care that allows them to suffer less and Live more. Insurance, in any form, seems to provide less and less true coverage for anyone. Don't assume that something is covered for somebody just because they have Medicare, Medicaid, or even Blue Cross for that matter. So much necessary coverage has been removed over the years or reduced. Human quality of life no longer matters as much as that bottom line for anyone. 

I found this very helpful article to help you understand the differences in the two disability programs though the Medicare differences and lacks in coverage may not be here at least some of this information should help you understand.

What Is the Difference Between Social Security Disability (SSDI) and SSI?

Supplemental Security Income is a program that is strictly need-based, according to income and assets, and is funded by general fund taxes (all tax monies). SSI is called a "means-tested program," meaning it has nothing to do with work history, but strictly with financial need. 

Disabled people who are eligible under the income requirements for SSI are also able to receive Medicaid in the state they reside in. Most people who qualify for SSI will also qualify for food stamps, and the amount an eligible person will receive is dependent on where they live and the amount of regular, monthly income they have. SSI benefits will begin on the first of the month when you first submit your application.

and

Social Security Disability Insurance is funded through payroll taxes (the disabled persons previous payroll taxes). SSDI recipients are considered "insured" because they have worked for a certain number of years and have made contributions to the Social Security trust fund in the form of FICA Social Security taxes. SSDI candidates must be younger than 65 and have earned a certain number of "work credits." (To learn more, see our article on SSDI and work credits.) After receiving SSDI for two years, a disabled person will become eligible for Medicare.

Under SSDI, a disabled person's spouse and children dependents are eligible to receive partial dependent benefits, called auxiliary benefits. However, only adults over the age of 18 can receive the SSDI disability benefit.

There is a five-month waiting period for benefits, meaning that the SSA won't pay you benefits for the first five months after you become disabled. The amount of the monthly benefit after the waiting period is over depends on your earnings record, much like the Social Security retirement benefit.

Dreaming....

So in an effort to cure my yearning to write with seemingly no inspiration I searched for a site with writing prompts. The first one that caught my eye was "I wish I had a million.... because then I could...." and it made me think about a little girl sitting on her bedroom floor dreaming of the day that she would be rich, making her lists.

I remember as a child dreaming of being rich. I'm sure a lot of kids do but for me it was almost an obsession. I would imagine I won 10 million dollars and then begin to make lists of what I would do with that money.

I don't remember those lists exactly but I know they started with who I would give money to, never what I myself would buy with it. And though I do not remember those lists as they used to be I think it is time to look at what I'd do now.

I've changed from the girl I was then. I am supposed to be wiser. I am supposed to realize things now that I didn't in that childhood innocence. In that innocence I believed that I did not matter but so many others in my life did. I believed I was happy enough and had enough and I always would but so many that I knew weren't and didn't. I wanted that for them. I wanted them not to have to stress and worry anymore. I wanted them to enjoy their lives.

I still want that but I'm not as naive as I used to be. I know now that I matter as well. I know know that life is not always kind and there is not always enough. So lets see what I'd do now as compared to then with as much honesty as I can muster.

If I had 10 million dollars I would do this:

1. Pay for my husband to have the surgery he needs
2. Buy a nicer camper and new computers
3. Pay my friend's back taxes that are making him struggle
4. Give Jim $500,000 so that he could not have so much stress in his life
5. Give my mother $1 million dollars so she could enjoy the rest of her life
6. Give my best friend Ruth $1 million dollars to set up her life
7. Give my husband's best friend Adam and his wife $1 million dollars
8. Give both my sons $1 million dollars
9. Put $1 million dollars in a 10 year CD or some other such creation to save for any future needs that will inevitably arise.
10. Split $1 million dollars between 3 prepaid debit cards - 1 for bills, 1 for food, and 1 for clothing, emergencies, unexpected needs, and a little fun over the next several years (being many years)
11. Put $500,000 in a savings account set up just for medical needs
12. Search the internet for people in need who don't know where else to turn and send donation money to as many as I can with $500,000
13. If anything is left put it into a savings account meant just for those moments of need for us or someone else.

So I have changed a lot over time. My old lists had far less for me and even giving to my sons and husband is for me because it gives me a sense of peace. I'm not so naive anymore to believe that life will simply provide or that things will just be ok. I know now that taking care of those little life needs that everyone has is important but I also know that my friends are important, my family is important, and they stand by me while I have nothing, so someday if I ever managed to have more than enough I'd want that for them as well.

Something I didn't add to the list is this. The thing I'd like to do the most of anything is this. I'd love to just go out and find some random person. Some person who is struggling to stay afloat. Some person who is hanging on to hope with just what's left of their fingernails. I'd like to find that person and anonymously give them $100,000 for no reason other than to give someone a thread of hope and a reminder that miracles still happen. For no other reason than to change someone's life who deserves a change. And that in and of itself would give me the greatest joy.

Twisted Roads...

I have mentioned here on a few occasions the twisted road that led from childhood to where I am today. There is a part of that road that curved, twisted, and tried to beat me down in such a short period of time that I almost broke completely. It's a story I seldom share anymore except with the occasional person in need of a real smack of reality but today I'm going to try.

When I was 17 years old I moved for the second time back to Tallahassee Florida to live with friends and be near my father. I loved that city and the people in it. I wrote poems and songs about it and missed it while I had been away. Finally I had returned.

But, as with many things in life, going back isn't always the same. Things had changed as had people, and I had changed. My experiences of the summer before had left me different in some significant ways. It didn't matter if I went back to anywhere specific because life would never quite be the same.

The differences in people and myself began to cause rifts in relationships I thought were solid. I learned things about relationships that took me to new levels of grief and loss. I began to seek out something new.

And new I found. My first 'new' relationship was with a motor cycle riding college guy who had his own place. The first few weeks were amazing, exciting and fun. Then one night he changed. Well maybe he didn't but he allowed me to see a side that terrified me. A controlling, angry, violent side that had remained hidden beneath the surface. I was terrified and thankfully some good friends were close by to get me out of there. I never went back.

In January of 1989 my next 'new' arrived. I became a room-mate to two guys who I thought were pretty decent people. We agreed on no relationships and nothing sexual between any of us, in order to keep the peace and safety of our home.

That didn't last long. One of the guys slowly worked his way into my heart and my bed and from there things got strange. He became more and more possessive of me and grew angry or depressed if I wasn't constantly with him. One night it got so bad that he threatened to kill me and then himself. He ran out of the apartment with a knife. Naive girl that I was, I was afraid for him and called the police to try to save his life. They caught him and put him in the psychiatric ward on watch.

Our other room-mate and I were relieved. The cloud and stress that had grown thick within our home lifted. We thought maybe life could normalize somehow. But it didn't last long. This man had a rich daddy who got him out and sent him back to us. Apologies were given, forgivenesses granted and new plans created. A plan for a cross country trip.

Within days we were on the road, carefree and happy. We traveled all the way to California where we found we did not like the scenery so much. It was scary and too big for any of us. We decided to go back to my home of Maine and once again we were off.

By February we were living in Maine in our new apartment. I was engaged to the previously suicidal room-mate and our other friend, Tommy, was planning on heading back to Florida. Tommy stayed a few weeks and then left.

In March I turned 18 and by April I was married to a man I barely knew. I had second thoughts before the wedding but I had always believed that a promise was a promise. I thought maybe it was just cold feet or nerves or fear that I had lived with so long I couldn't trust. I wish I'd listened to my instincts.
It didn't take long before this man had driven away my friends and given me 'rules' to live by. He didn't want people around. He didn't want me having anyone at the house or going out when he was at work. Eventually I felt all alone, which of course was what he wanted. The one time he found out someone had been over to visit while he was out he flipped over the bed with me sleeping on it.

I wasn't allowed to go to sleep before him. I wasn't allowed to eat until he did. I lived in a constant state of fear. He'll tell you he never hit me, and technically he didn't. He threw things that did, he flipped the bed over with me ON it, he hit walls and screamed often right into my face. He belittled me and made me believe I was worthless but he never doubled up a fist and hit me, sometimes that might have been better than what he did do. The threats and the fear were far worse.

Our relationship seemed like the longest in history but it even surprises me to realize it only lasted a few short months. In the summer of 1989 I became so afraid and so hopeless that I thought my only way out was death and I tried to take my own life. He came home too soon and I was in an ambulance in short order begging them not to take me home as I knew he would kill me.

After that incident he apologized as always and promised to change and of course as always for a few days he did and then it got worse. Every time it got worse there was a period of remorse, apologies, and promises. There was a period of peace and normality but it always reverted and usually just got worse. I knew in my heart that someday he would kill me.

I had one friend, who he didn't know about, who knew everything. She could hear us because she lived next door. She worried terribly for me. She begged me to leave and helped me believe it might be possible.

Finally one late night before bed he decided he wanted to have sex. I didn't. That didn't matter. He held me down, called me names, and took what he wanted while I kicked, scratched, squirmed, and cried. Afterwards he told me that I was his wife and I couldn't tell him no. That was it. I made a decision right then.

The next day he left for work and I called my mother. It was early fall 1989. Our marraige had not been very long but I knew I wouldn't live through it if I stayed. I saw clearly after that rape what my life would be if I didn't run. My friend and mother helped me pack quickly and before lunch I was gone.

I spent a week as my sister's to try to hide from him and it was good but I needed to go home. Back at my mother's house he had been calling and finally one day I answered the phone. He begged and pleaded. He apologized and did all those things he always did. I stood my ground somehow and said no. For a while the apologies continued daily until he realized I wasn't giving in and then the "I'm sorries" turned into threats.

Threats on my life, my mothers life, and more. Threats to burn down our house if I didn't come back. Threats that I'd never be rid of him no matter what I did. Threats that he would never leave me alone.

I was terrified. We involved the police and he was ordered to stay away from my mother and I. She was holding strong but I know now she was more afraid than I was.

About a month after I left him, my step-father died. Due to the threats that my soon to be ex had been hurling at us we had to ask 3 of my step-dad's friends to remain at the house with guns. They missed their friend's funeral to protect our home from a very disturbed human being.

Months went by of me not leaving the house. I was terrified to even think of it. Once a friend did come by and make me go out with them but sure enough my ex turned up. He followed us until my friend lost him on a back road. Life was still a frightening place to be.

Then one day, months later, I ran across an old boyfriend. This was a man I had been friends with for a very long time. This was a person who, at one time, I believed was the love of my life. I trusted him. And right at this point in my life I think I needed him. We immediately reconnected. I was immersed in love and protection. I was engulfed in a new feeling of the possibility of living again. While dating him I finalized my divorce from the man who I still feared and even hated. This new boyfriend gave me the strength I needed to end a very bad situation.

He and I dated for a while until I found out he was cheating. I went to confront him with it and he doubled up his fist, he didn't hit me but the thought was there. I could see it. When you've lived with that kind of man you recognize the signs much earlier. So I left and never returned.

Two months later, in July of 1990, I found out I was pregnant. According to the ultrasounds I was due in December which means I got pregnant in early April so it was for sure this boyfriend's child. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't accept it. Didn't want anything to do with 'it'. I was a mess. I couldn't believe after what we had shared that he wouldn't be a part of his child's life.

I went through the pregancy alone. I had a few good friends who often spent time with me and my mother of course but no husband or boyfriend beside me. For me that was heart wrenching. But I made it through.

On December 25, 1990 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. My pride and joy. My heart. My life.

Four months later the love of my life entered the picture. This was a man whom I'd known my whole life. We had dated on and off in school. We had been best friends over all those years. I had always kept his picture near me and he gave me comfort in times of lonliness. Somehow we had managed to find our way back to each other.

He became a part of our family and has been my husband now for 21 years. He raised my son and even adopted him when his biological father signed away all his rights. In total we had three amazing children together and a lifetime of love. We've had our good times and bad but I could never ask for a better partner through the insanity that has been my world over these years.

He helped me to stop being afraid, to see my own self value, to find my own inner strength. Neither of us is perfect but we are perfect for each other and in this lifetime that's really all that you can hope for.
To this day, more than 20 years later, my ex-husband still stalks me. He has over the years made threats or sent unwanted messages. He has raised a child of his own from a second wife who he sent into a psychiatric ward. And he must think I am an elephant because he still swears that my oldest son is his child even though that would mean I'd have been pregnant for over 13 months.

But none of it matters because I know who I am now and our family knows the truth.

Usually I share articles with lessons at the end so I'm going to try to wrap this one up by saying this. Nobody deserves to be made to feel like a servant, slave, or even less by a person who is supposed to love and support them. Abuse is a tricky subject because sometimes it's very obvious and other times it can be very discreet but even more damaging. If you are in a situation where you are living in fear and/or you do not see a safe way out talk to a friend or a family member. If that option is unavailable to you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). Don't live your life in fear and don't let someone take that life from you.

Cruelty is not a fashion statement

I was watching a program tonight that was so on track for me. I have recently had more insulting cruel remarks thrown my way. But this isn't the first time in my life it's ever happened.

I've never felt like I was the prettiest girl. I was teased as a child sometimes mercilessly because I was tiny and didn't really develop quite as prominently as the other girls. That teasing became the voice in my head that told me I wasn't good enough. That voice that said I was ugly and stupid.

I went into a shell! I hid from the world and eventually from myself. I hated me. I wondered who could ever love such a worthless little waif like me. Through the cruel words from the outside and the cruel words from the inside I eventually became what those voices kept telling me I was, like a self fulfilling prophecy.

The internal pain that this caused me started me down a dark road. The self loathing turned outward and I began to hate my classmates and blame them. Then confusion set in and I didn't know who to hate. I fantasized about death and if they would realize the pain they caused. Thankfully my spiritual beliefs kept me from doing anything more than fantasizing.

As I grew older the voices in my head grew louder and louder, so loud they drowned out anyone who dared to attempt to compliment me. I lost all perspective and all faith in myself. I learned that I couldn't trust myself so I stopped. I stopped trusting my instincts about everything but mostly about people, which got me into a lot of trouble.

For now I'll skip the dark road that I wandered around for a while, eventually that article will be written but the point of this particular article is the damage that words can do to someone.

Young people are all afraid and all vulnerable. Negative words and actions toward someone of a young age can have a lasting effect upon their lives. Adults have to remember this because sometimes it is those who are supposed to protect these frail young minds and emotions that do so much damage, but children are just that, children. They are young and need guidance. As a child I just thought they were bad people but they weren't, they were just kids. Kids struggling to make it and with very little idea how.

When I became a parent and my children began to be bullied or picked on I often would call their parents, because we were from a small community where most of us knew each other. I can recall two very specific incidents which spoke volumes about how children need guidance.

The first was right after our daughter died. A little boy was picking on our youngest son on the bus. At one point he looked at my son and said 'I hope you die just like your sister did'. I was in shock and I was furious. I called his mother immediately. She was appalled and promised me she would deal with it. I don't know what she said to him at home but about 30 minutes later there was a knock on our door. I opened it to see a very angry yet apologetic woman and a very sad and frightened little boy. She asked if they could speak to my son, who I immediately called to, and that little boy stood there and gave a very heartfelt apology. Our two sons became good friends after that and that little boy never, that I'm aware of, said anything cruel to another child.

The other I remember was boys throwing bars of soap at my older son at school because of a medical condition he was struggling with. I knew the parents of the young man who was the ringleader and I called them. The mother's response was 'boys will be boys' and she hung up. The harassment continued and worsened over time until my son began to change in order to deal with it. It was a visible change and an unpleasant one but I understood because it had happened to me just in a different direction.

Bullying is a form of abuse. It is not about 'kids being kids'. Children need guidance. Not always, but many times without that guidance children who are bullies can grow up to be abusive adults. They may not hit but their words and actions are still abusive. Cruelty as a tool to gain power over another is abusive.

So kids if you are reading this stand up for yourselves without cruelty. Don't let another tear you down because of their own fear or need for power. And don't let them make you believe that you are not worthy or good enough, because you are. You are special, no matter what anyone says.

Bullys, don't injure another for years to come just to feel better about yourself or for fun. What you are doing today has lasting effects. Years from now you may look back and regret your actions or you might not but I guarantee years from now that person you are treating like garbage won't just look back but will carry your words and actions with them every day. And you might think this cruelty makes you strong or powerful or popular but in reality it shows your weakness. True strength comes from kindness and true wisdom comes from the ability to see further ahead than the moment. What you do today will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Parents, teach your children to believe in themselves, love themselves and to care about others. Teach them right from wrong. Teach them values from a young age. Tell them they are special and amazing. Remind them they have value. Make sure they know they matter. Don't just say 'kids will be kids'. Because you don't want their actions to have lasting effects on another who they might damage severely or lasting effects on themselves for the pain they inflict or the pain another might inflict on them.

There is one more kind of bully I want to speak to and that is the adult bully. The saddest thing to see is a grown person bullying a child or even another adult. This type of bully has never learned how to communicate any differently. They've never learned to look within and love THAT person so they cannot show love and caring to others. They are the cruelest and saddest of bullies because the sad fact is they no longer have anyone to guide them and help them learn a different way.

I've seen this bully far to often. It's those adults who never look back and regret, they look back and remember 'ruling the school'. They crave power and even when their cruelty doesn't get the results they want they continue because they don't know any different. When their words or actions do not obtain the desired result, which is that feeling of self value that they lack, often it just gets worse.

Often this adult bully could have avoided this unpleasant and unhappy life with the right guidance. Not always. I've learned, over many years and much attempt to understand human behavior, that sometimes people just are who they are but so many times all it takes is the love and patience of a good adult influence in a child's life to help them avoid this devastating path.

Cruelty is not a fashion statement!

Sticks and Stones....

I refuse to hide this time! I am about 90% positive that my ex-husband has found me again, if he ever actually stopped watching me. I used to find it frightening to the point where I'd freeze up completely and shake from head to toe. I'd cry hysterically and stop writing, stop sharing, and disappear from anyplace he might find me. I REFUSE to hide again.

I write because I LOVE to write. I share my life because I hope it will help another in some way to deal with whatever might be happening in theirs. To hide would allow this pathetic, sad, truly disturbed human being to take a big piece of who I am away and I will not let him do that again.

Now that I've said that let me add there is a 10% chance that it is some other sad, pathetic, disturbed human being who is making their best effort at attacking me with their misinformed words, or words formed from their own warped sense of reality. I won't let that person take a piece of me this time either.

Too often in my life I have let one person tear me down all too easily. Today I am making a choice not to let it happen. Life is a choice and sometimes, even when it is frightening, we have to choose the path that leads us down a new road.

I remember when I was a little girl I decided that someday I would be insanely famous because of my writing. Even at 10 years old I always knew that writing was what I wanted to do. It was a part of me at some root level that I couldn't explain. Writing got me through dark times and good ones too. Well I never became famous but apparently I have become somewhat known for my writings. I know I am talked about and my writings shared because they, on occasion, speak to someone or help someone with something in their own lives. And with that comes the good and the bad.

Something I didn't know when I was a child was that there are people in this world who LIVE to hurt other people. People who have lost all faith and hope. There are people who, because they cannot find happiness in their own lives, do not want anyone else to find happiness or success or even recieve help when it is needed. These people have learned only a vocabulary filled with hate and hurt. They spew it out upon others and do not care about the damage it might cause or they enjoy the damage.

When you put yourself out there, like I do all the time, people WILL attack you. They will try to verbally mutilate you. They will do their best to tear you down so that you feel that same pain they carry with them every day of their lives. I have all too often allowed it to do just that but I am making a choice this time not to do it.

I have spent many years writing and sharing and putting myself out there. I have lent a helping hand to so many on dozens of occasions. Even now, I am where I am because I chose to help someone in need rather than follow the road onto an adventure I desired and I have no regret for doing so.

I know who I am. I share it openly and honestly and one thing I know is there are still aspects of myself that I HAVE to change. One of those is letting other people change how I feel about myself. In the past I have allowed a sour comment to send me into a tailspin for months but today I'm choosing to remember that those words have no truth and without truth they mean nothing.

So the next time someone tries to sour your day with words that have no truth, even though they hurt, don't let them damage you. We can only be damaged by another if we allow it. And for far to long I have allowed it.



And to the person trying to hurt me, I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry if life has not treated you well. Life is sometimes a difficult place to be but it is how we uphold our own values in the face of those challenges that speaks to who we are. Maybe I used to be an easy target because I wasn't one who could spew hateful words, maybe it was because I was easily hurt and controlled, but that isn't who I am now. I still do not spew hate even when I am hurting, even with all that life has hit me with, but I am not so easily controlled anymore and I'm much more sure of myself than I ever used to be. But if focusing on me keeps you from doing this to a weaker person than fine but maybe instead of focusing on others you should be focusing on YOURSELF.

Hey, You Matter To Me....

How much money does it take to live on in this economy? With rapidly raising prices and the cost of every day bills alone sometimes it seems like nobody but the rich are truly living anymore. So many of us are merely surviving.

Some of us are paycheck to paycheck and for people are disabled that 'check' only comes once a month and is barely enough to make ends meet if it does that. What happens when there is an emergency need for those people? How do they handle it?

Most of us, meaning those who are disabled or barely getting by, have to save up for the emergency stuff that comes up and sometimes that can take months. Months without a refrigerator because it broke, months with a a washer or drying because it died on us, months without lawn care because the lawn mower died and we don't have the money to fix it or buy another, months without heat or AC depending where you live and what is more important.

For some it isn't even the emergencies that get to us but some of our daily needs like toilet paper or soap. And forget eating right. Healthy food costs immensly more than food that isn't so good for us.

Doctors insist that we eat better, change our diet and other such things. I've looked at them and asked before if they'd like to buy my groceries. We do what we can to survive but it's not always healthy, safe, or easy.

People who aren't quite so bad off often forget how bad it can truly get. Yes they are struggling too and I don't mean to slight their difficulties because we all have our own path to walk and our own mountains to climb, but for someone living on a very limited income sometimes the world seems like it just doesn't want you here anymore, it seems impossible. Yet somehow most of us manage in some small way.

I look at my bank balance some months and know that for the last week we will have very little food in the house and pray we don't run out of other vital needs. I wonder how I'll afford all the medications that my husband and I require. And then I remember a friend of mine who is living on FAR less. I wonder how he manages. I wonder how he keeps moving forward. I know he doesn't think anyone sees or acknowledges his struggle but I DO see it. I try my best to help without cutting ourselves to thin, but sometimes it's just not possible and those times I worry terribly.

I wonder sometimes how many people don't see the real struggle of so many. How many people simply think these folks are making too big of a deal or whining about nothing. I wonder sometimes how many people forget that there are other people in the world besides themselves.

I have never forgotten. Never gotten so lost in my own problems that I grow unaware of the struggles of others in the world around me. I have always done my best to help where I can and when I'm able, even if it's only a small thing I can do.

Recently I have not done anything so big as the last thing we did, which was to drive 1100 miles to go stay with a friend who was drowning in life. I haven't because I'm still there trying to keep him from drowning. Someday we will move on to the next place we are supposed to be and it will always be to that person in need, that one we can help. I can't help everyone and it took me a LONG time to learn that but if I can help one, or at least one at a time, then I'm doing something! If more people did something, anything, to reach out to someone in real need, maybe the world wouldn't be such a frightening place to be.


So never be afraid to ask. It may or may not work or happen but there ARE good people in this world who will help when they can. The hope this has restored in my soul is more than any dollar amount is worth. The Love I feel for these people, most who I do not know, is sent back to them on angel's wings and I hope they feel it.

I'm not saying ask every time you are short on food or toiletries or those little every day needs that most of us have learned to simply get through but sometimes, when it's really big and important and seems impossible, even the smallest show of support from friends, loved ones, and even perfect strangers, can change your day. It can change your outlook. It can change your fear into hope and in hope you will find strength you forgot you had.

Stop being afraid! The worst that can happen is people say NO or they ignore you and really I'm finding that seldom happens. Someone out there has been where you are or they fear being where you are and they will reach back and try to help. Someone out there is an angel hiding among the rest of the world and they want to spread that love within them to someone who needs it.

And for those of you who don't think that what you can do matters, remember that for a person in a tough situation who is asking for help isn't doing it lightly. Most of them are terrified to ask. Most of them are afraid nobody will care. Reaching back even in a small way restores HOPE, which is the greatest gift you can give.

Recently I've had to ask. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was frightenting and stressfull but I'm being shown the kindness of strangers CAN suprise you. One person even donated $2 and I was so touched by that $2. Why? Because I knew that was all they could do without putting themselves in a tough situation and that $2 adds up. It adds up to more than we had toward the goal before and it adds up to hope within a beaten and broken heart and soul. It adds up to more than I can even put into words because yes the $2 helps immensly but it also shows me just a little bit of the heart of that person who shared it with me. It shows me their character. And honestly I had all but lost faith in the character of the world around me until I saw THAT donation. Those who can give more do and it is loved and appreciated. It too brings me hope. But that $2 spoke volumes more than I bet that person realized. And I hope they somehow see this entry and realize what it meant for us to see it.

We are all struggling and I am aware of that. We are all in difficult places in our own lives. That is what life is about. It's about getting over hurdles that seem impossible and then seeing that we somehow survived it.

I'll leave you with this. I play on a game called Second Life. I work on there to make virtual money so that when I go to a club or any other place where the person is working and sharing of themselves in some way I can tip them. So many of us put ourselves out there every day for others and we have forgotten the value of a tip. The appreciation for someone's effort and work in their sharing a piece of themselves. I think ALL blogs should have a donation button, so that even if we only leave a dollar, someone knows that just for a moment they were appreciatated. They know for a moment they touched someone in such a way that the person felt compelled to show it.

We all matter. Whether it's you who are struggling or you who are capable of making some small difference in that person's life, we ALL matter. I think it's time we start remiding people of that fact. Hope is so easily lost in this world and sometimes a simply thank you, word of encouragement, positive attitude, or a smile can make a terrible day brighter for someone. Don't forget to leave a person better than you found them in some way. Even if all you can do is say, "hey, you matter to me and I appreciate you".

Karma

This poem was written at a time when we were not doing well ourselves. We were struggling to get by, we had just had a major life change, and I myself was in fear. It occurred to me how many go through similar circumstances. It also occurred to me that often those of us with the ability to assist those in need often turn a blind eye. So I wrote this to remind those who are able to help that it can and often does happen to ANYONE!

Karma

The bitter cold it bites at me

In the darkness of the night

I pray for warmth and shelter

As my dreams go out of sight

Huddled in the corner

Where nobody can see

I fold my hands in prayer

And cry out in agony

My Stomach grumbles loudly

For all who pass to hear

But still nobody see me

And no Angel has appeared

I used to be a rich man

With more than I could spend

But now I know my error

For no help would I lend

And now I join the humbled

The poor and homeless we

Now I, as invisible to you

As these once were to me.

Unseen Strength

When you live with a constant chronic illness it becomes a part of you in such a way that sometimes it is difficult to tell where it ends and you begin. If this illness is one that creates persistent and stubborn pain in your body all the time your life begins to change out of need. A need to not be in so much pain. A need to continue living but work with or around this monster within you.

Much of what we do is not always about our illness but it can be influenced by it. The disease becomes so much a part of us that it seems to seep into almost everything we do, say, and think without permission or sometimes even our knowledge.

Sometimes we ignore it or fight it and go forth as best we can. Sometimes in what seems like a never ending struggle we win and sometimes it wins. There are moments in time, be they short lived or long lasting where we break down and lose our way and our will to the invisible monster that seems to have a strangle hold on our lives. Then there are moments where we rise above it and find the strength to get through yet another day.

Recently I've been talking much about fear and how it can sneak in and take hold of our lives. How it can influence our decisions and actions and words without us realizing that is what is happening.

Chronic illness can create fear or feed it. Living with pain, illness, mental unhealth can be frightening. The fear that we might cause ourselves more pain can keep us from trying things. The fear of failure can keep us from making the attempt. The fear of what others might think often keeps us from wanting to put ourselves out there in that vulnerable position.

Doctors can help us with our physical or mental symptoms but there is one thing they do not and can not address, that is the fear. Why? Because many of them live with fear as well and the fear keeps them from recognizing fear as a real symptom or rather the almost unavoidable backlash of living with constant illness in our bodies or minds.

Some people might see us as being weak for not making the effort or attempt. Sometimes people do not see the efforts and attempts we make every single day. That too leaves us with fear and sadness. It is a kind of pain that medical science does not recognize because you can't test for it. There is not medical test that can show it. And so the fear feeds itself because then we ourselves begin to fear that we are wrong, weak, not good enough, or bad in some way.

I often write my articles for both those who suffer and those who love us but today this is simply for those who are struggling. You are strong and you are not bad. There is nothing wrong with who you are. Your body is not YOU it is simply the vessel you are within. Our Vessels might be failing us but that does not mean that we ourselves are failing.

Personally I have my good days and bad ones just like everyone else in the world does. My bad days are sometimes bad weeks or months but so are my good ones. And even when I am in pain or sick or afraid, I can find a way to share a part of myself and I try to use what I am experiencing to help others understand or be alright with themselves.

Those of us with chronic illness, whether it be physical or mental, are not less than anyone else. We are strong. We survive a lifetime of what others might not think they could survive a day of if they experienced it. We continue forward while the arms of a monster reach for us constantly. Every single day that you make it through is not only a gift but it is a miracle that YOU created, YOU fought for, YOU chose. That is true strength.


Today I slept very late. I disappointed my husband because he had something important he wanted to do but he knows how sick I've been and chose to let me sleep as long as my body felt the need to. I woke up feeling refreshed and inspired and happy for the first time in weeks. Then I looked at his face and saw the sadness there. He too lives every day with chronic illness and today he woke feeling inspired and like he could accomplish just one thing. So I got up, got dressed and said 'ok let's go get this done', even though really I just wanted to write. A smile crept across his face and his eyes lit up.
I knew going out risked my feeling of refreshment, because riding in the car is a miserable experience for me right now with my arthritis. I knew also that he needed today more than even he realized, so I made a choice. I faced the monster who's arms were awaiting me if I got into that car and said too bad buddy because I know what it's like to just need one thing, one accomplishment, one gesture, one person who understands and I knew that was what my husband needed just for today.

That is strength. How often do you put someone else first and ignore or fight through your illness for them? I'd bet it's pretty often. I'd also bet they so often don't realize what you are doing is not easy because for them it might not be so difficult. But it doesn't matter, YOU know your strength. And that IS strength.

Those of us who live with chronic illness struggle every day, sometimes just in getting out of bed or up off our couch or chair. Some people take care of a family even though pain ravages the body. Some people go to events or gatherings even though we know that tomorrow we will pay for it. We challenge ourselves every day. And in those moments where the challenge becomes too much and we feel lost or we lose hope or we feel like we are giving up, remember that we are simply replenishing ourselves for the next round. It's ok to take some time to rest and mend your body and mind.

I just spent 3 months in a long dark depression. The pain had gotten so bad that I didn't care if I lived anymore. I actually wished that my disease was terminal instead of chronic because at least then it would be over at some point. Then one day I woke up and realized that even with all the pain I was still here, still moving forward, and still able to find meaning in my life. The sadness was lifting, even if the pain wasn't. We all have these moments of being lost in the dark with the monsters at the door, but then a door we never noticed cracks open and we find the strength to walk through it.

If today is one of your dark days look for that door you never noticed before. Find the crack of light in that dark room full of monsters and fight your way out. If today is a good day then appreciate it. For some of those the good days are few and far between. Don't overdo it but don't sit in fear either. Find the happy medium and enjoy the good day. For every day you are here is a gift and a miracle that YOU create.