Fear....

I start this with a quote from a previous writing because I feel fear is an important subject matter and this quote got me thinking more about it.

"I remember thinking I wasn't important enough or good enough. I even remember simply thinking I was nobody and the occasion when I wished I was nobody. That voice in my head wasn't my truest self, it was fear. Fear is not a place to live, it is supposed to warn us when danger is near, but sometimes fear gets a hold of us and then it takes over. It lies to us and believes that in these lies it protects us somehow. Fear is not truth and we often fear that the truth will be worse but it never is. Fight past the fear and find the beauty that is beneath the unkindness and cruelty that fear believes is protection."

When we are born we are born naked, not only in body but in emotion and spirit. It is those around us who fill us up. It is the experiences in our lives that teach us and clothe us within the emotions which we readily share and express. It is the world which covers us in a blanket and often creates a reality in which we believe that it is simpler to hide who we are rather than show it.
Fear!

Watch almost any child under the age of 7 and you will see almost no fear! They believe they are invincible, that the world is safe, that magic is real. They believe their parents and loved ones will always be there to catch them safe when they fall. They believe the best in everyone and forgive readily. They show love and affection without reservation. They smile and laugh without a thought. They can go from laughing to bawling to laughing again in less than a five minute span of time. Nothing seems impossible, no dream unreachable, no challenge to great. They readily show that all they want is to love and be loved.

Then one day it all begins to change. Something happens to the magic of the world. It can be any number of things but it is in that first moment of fear that the choice begins. The choice of beginning to hide their greatness and beauty in order to protect it or simply continue to BE. Sadly very few make it past that first hurdle in life. Fear takes hold at a young age and often we do not realize it.

For me it was a step father who introduced fear and a neighbors relative to stole the magic. I remember both. The magic I got over and somehow I continued to believe in, although I knew not to share that truth. The fear stuck!

I remember being not much older that 8 or 9 and my favorite two places in the whole world became my bedroom closet, where I would hide for hours in the dark and shake, and my horses stall, where my very best friend lived. They were my safe havens, my retreat from the frightening world, but they were only the beginning of a long twisted road.

My first step-father might have introduced fear but I let it grab hold of me and shape who I became for a long time after that. I learned to hate myself because I feared that everyone else did and I made it worse by doing so. I dared not show the real me for fear of teasing or worse. The fear had grabbed me in a very important moment to protect me but it didn't let go for a very long time. And once the fear had me all my choices became based upon fear without my knowledge. All my instincts were untrustable because fear ruled me.

My children learned fear too. For them it was the loss of a sibling on the most frightening day of all our lives. The magic left the world, fear ruled us all. My choices since that day when it came to my children have also been ruled by fear and looking back I see it and understand it. I am furious that I let it hold me once again in it's icy grasp and that I once again believed that it was protecting me and them from harm.

The day comes for us all when fear, well meaning and often at the right moment, grabs us up like a child within it's arms to protect us. It holds us and cradles us. It shows us how to survive. The question isn't whether in that moment is the fear true because IN THAT MOMENT it is and it is right to protect us. The question becomes when and how do we let it go. How long do we allow our beauty, our truth, and our light to be shadowed by this fear that goes from cradling mother into a shadow that overpowers us?

Look at yourself right now. Are your choices based in a fear that you have not recognized? Did it take hold of you at a young age and never let go? Are you being your authentic self are are you hiding behind the shadow of some long ago fear that lives in your heart and mind? Fear can be healthy in a moment or for a time but if it hangs on to you for too long it can become a disease that eats away at your life.

And fear likes itself. It wants company along it's journey. It wants to know it is not alone and so it often creates duplicates of itself. Many times a person living in fear will create fear within others. Sometimes that is by being aggressive and mean, sometimes it is by causing worry and sadness, and sometimes it is simply by existing in the presence of someone who cares enough to feel. Are you creating fear within another or many others? Is your own fear somehow creating friends for itself? Is someone creating fear within you?

Too many of us live our daily lives enveloped by fear. We base our choices, our moods, our lives upon this fabrication of reality that fear is showing us. Too many times this fear has long ago outlived it's usefulness and it's time to release it. It has become so much a part of us that it is like another person living within us and can be difficult to say goodbye to. It doesn't want to leave because fear itself fears for us. Fear is afraid that without it's arms wrapped around us we won't survive another moment but we have to assure it that we will and send it on it's way.

I challenge you to find those moments in your life where you were obviously and even rightfully in fear. Have you let them go? Have you let the fear that came with those moments go? Are you sure? And if you are not I challenge you to find your way out of that shadow and into the light of LIFE.

Who am I?

Who am I?
Does everyone ask themself this question at some point in their lives?

The first time I ever uttered this question, I was just a 10 year old girl, standing in my mother's kitchen and I asked the question to a very confused mom who had not much idea what I really meant. I don't think I've ever stopped asking.

I look back on myself as a younger person and I see a scared little girl who just wanted to fit it. I didn't really care who I was because I just wanted to be someone that others would love or at least like. I felt like the world hated me. I felt lost and alone. I know now that I never really was but it took a lot of years to learn that important fact.

I remember thinking I wasn't important enough or good enough. I even remember simply thinking I was nobody and the occasion when I wished I was nobody. That voice in my head wasn't my truest self, it was fear. Fear is not a place to live, it is supposed to warn us when danger is near, but sometimes fear gets a hold of us and then it takes over. It lies to us and believes that in these lies it protects us somehow. Fear is not truth and we often fear that the truth will be worse but it never is. Fight past the fear and find the beauty that is beneath the unkindness and cruelty that fear believes is protection.

Now I could say that I'm a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a writer, a dreamer, but those are not WHO I am. Those are what I am. They are simply labels to describe different things I do or roles I play but they are not at the heart of WHO I am.

I could say I am kind and caring, feirce and stubborn. Again more whats and labels. I could say I'm sick and frightened. I could say I'm a sufferer of pain from some really scary invisible illnesses. But those are not WHO I am.

Who I am cannot be defined with labels. Who I am is shown by actions and words. Sometimes I make mistakes, just like we all do, but that just makes me human. Mistakes are not WHO I am they are simply a part of this insane human adventure I am currently on. It is how we deal with our own mistakes, personal difficulties and struggles that show who we are. In those moments we can choose to be the best self even in adversity or we can choose another darker path entirely. Who we are is shown in the little things we do. It is shown in the love we share and the forgiveness we give and in the strength of our own choices.

Who am I? Can I really know that? Can I define it or describe it? I don't think so. Can others tell me who I am? Not really. Others can see parts of me or even know me somewhat well but they can only tell me who I am to them. The who is in the eye of the beholder. And yet it does not matter what any other eye sees but our own. Only we can truly see into our own hearts and make a choice about who we want to show the world. Only we can see our own true beauty and grace and when we see it and choose to believe it, others will as well.

I've tried to be so many people in my life. I've tried 'fitting in', standing out, being the outcast, and so many other roles that didn't really fit.

So who am I? I am no different than any other soul wandering through this existance. I am simply a person trying to live my life as best I can.

I believe that in order to be our best selves we have to look within. We have to accept our mistakes and misteps and take responsibility for them and for our own selves. We have to ask ourselves each day that question of who we are and is it who we want to be.

Do I believe that we are the same person every day? No. I believe every day we are given the beautiful gift of choosing who we want to be and only we can make that happen. Only the eye turned within can see the love and beauty that so many of us have buried for whatever reason. I believe that the choice is always our own.

So I ask you today, who are you? Is it who you want to be? Are you being your authentic you? What do YOU think makes you special or beautiful or lovable? It's there! I promise. You just have to find it and you have to find the strength to believe in yourself. Believe you can be that person you want to be. You can be that person you feel you truly are somewhere deep inside. The choice is yours.

Doctors....

I don't expect doctors to be super heroes but I don't expect them to be villains either. If you have gone into the medical field I hope you did it because you felt drawn to work with people, to help people, to spend your life dedicated to the pursuit of making PEOPLE feel better or get better. I hope it was not about the money or that it did not become about the money. If it is or was about anything other than PEOPLE and helping PEOPLE than you chose the wrong profession. Helping someone get well or remain well goes much deeper than just their bodies. You affect them. You have the opportunity to do that in a positive long term way that is about more than just the illness in their body.

I try to put myself into a doctor's shoes. I cannot imagine that they can care about every single person they see beyond the moments that they spend with them, but they can care DURING those moments. I have met some of the most wonderful amazing doctors working in the emergency room and every one of them showed me a concern and a kindness that is often unseen in other doctors. How can they care so much for the time they are with me and yet my own primary care physician feels so cold and judgmental.

Last month my doctor begged me to open up and be honest with her about my pain levels. She could see I was in more pain than I was admitting. I thought to myself 'I've been trained to'. I have been trained to by the other doctors who treat you like a drug seeker if you express your pain or the reality of how you are feeling. My doctor could see my pain and so I took a step and admitted how much more pain I am in and how I suffer each day.

I am not sure why the medical profession seems to have gone so far downhill over the years. Even my mother, who has been with the same doctor for 30 or more years, is having issues with the treatment she receives. My mother, who has never said an ill word about a doctor in her life, is having issues with how she is spoken to and dealt with.

I have a friend who is about 20 years older than me and a very sick man. He has many various health problems, most of them extremely serious. He is currently on that frightening search for a doctor that doesn't treat him like just a number or like a pill hound. I mean my goodness, he is in his 60s and has a set of proven diagnoses and yet many treat him like he's a 25 year old junkie, or they dismiss him out of hand completely.

That's another thing. Do these doctors not realize we know our bodies better than anyone? Thankfully my doctor says it to me often that I am in my body and she is not so only I can tell her what I'm feeling. But so often these doctors try to disprove you. You tell them what you are experiencing or feeling, you tell them that in the past this meant you had x disease and took y medicine to fix it and sure as the day they will do everything in their power to diagnose something different and prescribe something else if they believe you at all and don't simply dismiss you with nothing.

That friend of mine who is in his 60s currently has a serious lung infection. He gets them once in a while and they are usually nothing to worry about because whatever primary he is currently using prescribes him a course of medicines that make it better. He went to his primary this time and they refused to prescribe him anything. They told him he would have to see a specialist to get the medication. A specialist long ago diagnosed him and it is all in his records. Every primary since has followed those recommendations and medicated him when needed. But this doctor sent him home with NOTHING. It is very likely that my friend will end up in the hospital because of this doctor's arrogance or stupidity and yet nothing will be done about it because we are poor and disabled and nobody listens to us at all anymore.

The last thing I will share with you is the computer doctor story. Many years ago when my husband first started experiencing unexplained pain in his back and legs we decided to try to find a doctor who would care enough to try and find out why and possibly help him. Our final attempt within our home state at that time was an older male doctor in Bangor. I don't remember his name now but I'll never forget him. Sadly though what made him memorable was not that he cared so much or treated my husband so well or that he helped in any way. I remember him because he never looked at my husband or I, not once. He would come into the room and open up a computer and spend the whole appointment staring at that screen and typing in answers we gave him. I think he was a very smart man and might have been able to help but my husband couldn't stand the impersonality of it all and so after three such visits we never went back.

I personally have had doctors tell me to shut up, stop being so dramatic, and get over it. I've heard numerous horror stories and witnessed countless others. I do not know what makes so many doctors feel like they have a right to treat their patients the way they do but it makes me feel so very frightened and sad. And if you think about it so many people are frightened to even go to a doctor. Self medicating has become popular practice, even normal, in order to avoid going to see one of these scary people who are supposed to be in a field of care and helping.

Part of healing is feeling cared for. Part of health care is showing care and concern for another human being. Doctors, I am not just a number or a name on a page. I am not just a set of diagnoses or words on your computer screen. Turn around and look me in the eyes. I am not just another fibro case or just another flu victim or just another anything. I am ME. I am a human being. I am sick and I am frightened. I have pain in my body or illness ravaging me. I am young or I am old. I am man or I am woman. I came because I need medical care, I came to YOU because I need YOU to care.

Hope!

Hope

Sad eyes, you are seen

You are loved

Believe

Worried soul

You are so much more

Hang on

Frail body

You are strong

Fight

Cluttered mind

You are brilliant

Shine

Tired spirit

The light is there

Look

Frightened being

There is more

Hope

The Darkness will not Win

The Darkness will not Win

Colors swirling dark and bland,

Pain of body and mind,

The agony such a cruel joke.

Life can be unkind,

Fly away on gossamer wings.

Dream the magic you need,

Life no peace, sleep no rest,

But peace in the fantasy.

Who are you, asked in muttered tones?

The answer is not plain.

Who do you pretend to be?

Are they one and the same?

Darkness swirling, closing fast.

Must not let it win.

Moments of peace within the dream,

Reignite that light within.