Intimacy

For the last week my husband and I have been experiencing a whole new level of intimacy and closeness that after 21 years is not only surprising but welcome and amazing.

When I say intimacy what is it that comes to mind for you? Is it sexual, physical, mental, emotional? What exactly is intimacy?

The dictionary defines intimacy thusly:

1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.
5. an amorously familiar act; liberty.

I think that intimacy, at least to me, is about this and so much more. It is a combination of close physical love, emotion, trust, and conversation.

My husband is not just the man I am married to but my best friend, though in the last few years sometimes that was not easy to see. We had grown comfortable in our silence. We shared very little with each other in an effort to keep each other from being upset. But that was not creating real happiness, it was simply avoiding wonderful conversations as well as the difficult ones.

In a long term relationship it is possible to live in many ways. I’ve seen it in the few couples I know who have those long lasting relationships. Some people almost never communicate with one another on any kind of meaningful level and they are ok with that. They live in comfort and security, but I have to wonder if there is happiness, joy, and that deep emotional love that we often find only in the very beginning of relationships.

Some people find other ways to spend time together but they simply don’t share their deepest thoughts, emotions, fears, and even fantasies with each other because it is uncomfortable or they feel silly or embarrassed. Again they are comfortable and secure but is there all that other wonderful emotional stuff that comes with real communication.

Still others choose not to share such communications because they fear if they did their significant other might think badly of them or even leave them. I say if that is truly the case then the relationship is already questionable.

There is NOTHING sexier than real communication, than the telling of truths to each other, than the sharing of emotions, thoughts, and those things that we might keep hidden from almost anyone or everyone else. This is the person YOU chose to spend your life with, shouldn’t there be enough trust between you that you could choose to share your deepest thoughts and emotions with them.

This is not always easy or even fun. Two nights ago my husband had something difficult weighing on him. I’ve known him long enough and know him well enough to have spotted the signals. I asked him and at first he hesitated to share it with me, but after a bit of other conversation he opened up. We talked about it for enough time that we both lost track of how long and in the end we not only both felt better and lighter but we felt so close and intimate that we furthered on into more physical sharing.

Tonight, once again, he had something weighing on his mind. When asked he quickly shared it, however he was already so upset that his sharing wasn’t gentle and it ended us up in a difficult discussion and I was hurt. However, we chose to continue the conversation, not at a distance but laying next to each other where we could feel that intimacy and comfort. Again the conversation was long and this time uncomfortable for us both but in the end we both felt better and lighter. We ended up holding each other for a long time, kissing and hugging, holding hands, and even laughing.

So what is intimacy to YOU? What is it that could make your relationship even stronger, even better, and possibly even more physically active? What is it that your partner needs to feel that intimacy?

When we first fall in love we have butterfly’s in our stomachs, our partner brings a smile to our face and a lightness to our hearts. Sometimes as the years pass we begin to feel that fade into simple comfort or even discontent.

I am ever so fortunate to have a husband who cares about my needs as much as I care about his. And because of that mutual concern for each other’s happiness we make an effort. With that effort I get to feel that “falling in love” feeling with him all the time or at least a larger majority of it.

Of course there are times when we are content to do our own thing, me watching tv and him playing games or vice versa, but we make an effort to spend time together every day without question. Even if it is just laying down and holding each other in silence. We make an effort to pay attention to the signals the other sends out. We ask each other how we are doing. We show that we want to be there for one another and then we back it up when the need arises.

People sometimes ask us how we have lasted 21 years with ALL we have been through. People wonder sometimes how we are still together and still appear so happy. I tell them it goes beyond appearance, we ARE happy. Life isn’t always easy but walking together down this road, as bumpy as it often is, makes things much more tolerable. Life sometimes sends us spinning but I know he will be holding me so I won’t spin out of control and he knows I will be holding him too.

So I guess tonight I say BE THERE for each other. Remember to talk to each other. Share a secret with your significant other that you never thought you’d share. Be honest and open in a way that might not be very comfortable at first but can open a door to a whole new kind of relationship for the two of you. And mostly I say be happy. Enjoy your love and your life.