I'll Never Be

She sat staring out the window of her little one bedroom apartment, watching the happy people in the park across the street. She smiled as she watched a couple, holding hands, walking down the sidewalk, laughing. The smile dissipated and her face turned somber as a voice in her mind said “I’ll never be that happy”.

Somberly she arose to go make some tea. On her way past the television she, by force of habit, switched it on, not bothering to look at the channel. Again, she smiled thinking the background noise would drown out that whisper that was rising in her mind to torture her.

As she continued to the kitchen to start her tea, she listened to some random talk show that was playing. They were talking about losing weight and complimenting some guy for losing 100 pounds in 8 months. Her first thought was “Good for him”, but that nagging little whisper arose once more to say, “I’ll never be that strong”.

She made her tea and decided listening to television wasn’t the answer. She turned it off and settled at her desk to enjoy her tea and sort her mail. The usual stuff was there, bills that needed paying; “I’ll never have enough.”  Junk mail; “I’ll never be rid of this”. A flyer for a trip to some exotic place; “I’ll never be one of ‘those’ people”.

Then a very pretty envelope with fancy designs. She wondered what it could be. Excitedly she opened it. It was a wedding invitation from her friend who lived a couple of states away. She was so happy for her friend. She smiled and a tear of love and joy rolled down her cheek. Then; “I’ll never be loved like that.”

Tired and feeling terrible about her life, she shuffled to her room to lay down for a nap. She walked through her beautiful living room into the small hallway and down to her quiet darkened room to escape from it all. She had awoke that morning full of energy, hope, and joy for life, but now it all just seemed pointless.

As she laid her head upon her pillow, the final thought she had before she dozed into blissful sleep was; “I’ll never be…..”

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How many times do we abuse and assault ourselves with these words. I’ll never be…., I’ll never have….. I don’t deserve…. and other such things. It becomes so natural that often we don’t even hear the words, but we feel it deep within. The whisper has grown so quiet that we don’t realize it’s still taunting and terrorizing us. We steal our OWN joy, our OWN happiness and our OWN well being.

Today every time you start to feel this “I’ll never…” state of mind, change it! Say to yourself I can, I will, I deserve.

For me this is an everyday battle. The whisper that has haunted and tortured me since childhood is usually so quiet I forget it’s there, but the feelings will still bubble up. At those moments I often take a deep breath, close my eyes, and try to remind myself of the things I am grateful for, the things I have in my life, and that I am good enough and deserve happiness.