A Lesson in Forgiveness

Learning to recognize the walls around other people or the damage they are carrying can be an important step in learning to let go of the hurts they cause you along your own journey. It's not about giving them excuses because there is never an excuse for choosing to behave badly but if we can find a possible explanation often times we can forgive so much easier and not carry the pain within ourselves.

Forgiveness does not excuse or accept bad behavior  Forgiveness doesn't mean we will allow such behavior to continue or that we allow a person to remain within our circle of friends. Forgiveness is about giving ourselves permission to release the painful feelings of hurt and anger that are within us. It is about releasing ourselves from carrying the burden of such negative energies that were laid upon us like a yoke upon an oxen.

Don't get me wrong, forgiveness is no simple trick. It is a journey in and of itself. First one must allow themselves to feel and experience the emotions that have been caused by the negative action, words, or situation. And make no mistake it is the actions, words, or situation that caused the negative emotion though we tend to aim it toward the person behind such things. It is a normal human thing to react emotionally to these situations. Cry, stomp, shake, go for a run, etc.. whatever it takes to experience and let yourself feel the emotions that you have to feel to get to the other side.

The next step is to vent. Find a friend or loved one who you are sure you can trust and ask them if you can just vent for a few minutes. Venting is an amazing tool in calming down, which is the current goal. Once you have that someone who doesn't mind being your sounding board, go for it. Let it rip. If you don't feel comfortable with venting to a person, write it down. You can always destroy it later but writing it all out helps get those emotions unstuck. The last thing you want is to become stuck in pain and anger so get it out of you.

Once you have passed the venting stage you might find that sleep is required. Often this exercise alone is exhausting and you may need to rest after. If this is the case then go get some rest. Other people react the opposite and find themselves filled with energy. If you are one of these then turn up the tunes and dance, sing, clean, whatever you can to expend the excess energy in a positive way. Either way your goal here is to find yourself balanced once again before tackling the actual forgiveness.

Once you've found your balance it's time to look at the situation with fresh eyes. Look at the person or people involved objectively. Did they mean to do it? Did they have malicious intent? Was this just in their nature? Were there warning signs?

Do you have some responsibility in allowing the situation to occur? I separated this question because 8 out of 10 times people will dismiss this with a quick no or of course not, but I want you to really think. I believe heavily in self-responsibility and that our own choices often lead to situations that we do not wish to be a part of. That choice might have been as simple as to overlook a person's nature to gossip because you liked the conversations or it might be as complex as getting involved with a group of people who were obviously doing things you don't agree with but it was fine since it wasn't affecting you directly and there are many nuances in between. So be very careful before dismissing this one. And when you find your responsibility take note of it for future reference and then forgive yourself for the misstep in judgement.

Now that you've really looked at the situation and people involved as if you were an outside observer, you should be able to more clearly see it objectively. Your emotional attachment to it should be becoming weaker and not as painful. This is a positive step in the right direction but there is one final step.

You now need to find a way to forgive those involved. You should have already forgiven yourself. You've taken note of your missteps or choices that led you here and will keep them in mind when making future decisions. Now you have to find a way to forgive any others involved.

Again this doesn't mean you absolve them from responsibility. It doesn't mean you agree with what they did or said. It doesn't mean you will allow them to remain in your life. What it does mean is letting go of emotional attachment to their actions and that you are not going to carry the heavy weight of emotional baggage and allow them even more access to your spirit.

To do this you have to create a story. It has to be something that could totally be valid but will allow you to feel a sort of sympathy and feel more forgiving.

So let's say that someone told a lie about you. You know it's a lie. Not only is it a lie but it's a damaging lie and this same person tried to end friendships you had by spreading this lie. You are angry and hurt. You are shocked and in pain. Think. Did this person realize this was a lie or did they possibly believe it to be true? Do they know you well enough to realize that it was not true? Of course the opposite of that is do they know you well enough to assume it's validity? Did they believe what they were doing was helpful to them, their family or their friends in some way?

Let's say that they do know you well enough to realize the untruth and that this damaging lie was told in straight out malicious form. How do you forgive that?

You find a way to realize that they are suffering from damage to their emotional beings. They are fearful or in pain themselves and they lash out in order to lessen their own pain. They spread rumor and lie in order to feel more important because in reality they feel so weak and small. They are like a frightened child. Maybe something truly awful happened to them a long time ago that made them feel this way and they themselves became trapped within this merry go round of emotional turmoil. Picture them as a frightened little boy or girl hiding in a corner. Imagine them huddling under a blanket and screaming whenever anyone got too close. Would you be angry at a frightened child for screaming? Most likely not.

Every situation and person will have a different personification, a different story attached to what they did or said. This frightened child won't always work, though often it fits well for many. This is simply an example of how we take someone from being a terrible human being that we hate and hold harmful and painful feelings toward into something less angering and more to be felt sorry for. We may not want them in our lives because in reality they ARE adults acting badly or making bad choices.

We absolutely have to take responsibility for ourselves and make better choices for ourselves. However, we also don't need to harbor ill feelings toward them that will eventually change who we are and eat away at our inner being.

Anger, pain, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, etc... can all be emotions we become trapped within. They change us in not very pretty ways and they can make our physical bodies ill.

Learning to forgive ourselves and others, to release the weight of carrying negative emotions upon our hearts and minds, is a gift we give ourselves of health and happiness that allows us to move forward and grow without fear of becoming trapped in a cycle of emotional turmoil.