The Procrastination Cycle

So in figuring out how to motivate myself and get myself into motion I had to face up to my biggest flaw, procrastination. Why do people get into a cycle of procrastination? Why do I?

Procrastination is the child of fear. Fear of not doing well enough. Fear of things not working out. Fear of judgement. Fear of disappointment of oneself or others. Fear of creating even more stress or worry on oneself or others. Fear, fear, FEAR!


I do not want to live from a place of fear and yet I continue to see what needs to be done and put it off. Breaking this cycle is a challenge because it has become so natural to do that I seldom stop to think about why, I just say to myself "I can worry about that tomorrow" so that I can live this day in peace.

I'm afraid to create these other negative emotional responses or create a situation that makes me have to worry even more, so instead I simply do nothing. I don't want to deal with it today but it is ALWAYS today. There is never a good today to do it. Therefore it continues to be put off until. Until when? Until my husband gets frustrated and then I feel worse in the not doing it, I feel like I've let him down, I feel upset by his disappointment, but that's no good because the fear of him finally getting to that point leaves me in a perpetual state of concern and anxiety.

I am aware that something NEEDS to be done but the anxiety that it creates within me is paralyzing. So to alleviate that paralyzation I simply don't do it, ignore it, and find something else to focus on so I can forget it for another day or few days. I find excuses that make some sort of rational sense to allow myself to feel better about putting it off. I rationalize that if I had more money, more time, more community standing, more more more, I would be able to get it done in a reasonably painless fashion but because I'm not this or that, it is going to be more difficult. Immediately there is a preconceived notion that it is going to be difficult and painful, scary and unpleasant.


Right now I know there is a task that HAS to be taken care of. It should have been done days ago or even weeks ago but I keep putting it off with rational excuses. Thinking about forcing myself to do it is bringing tears to my eyes. I am filled with dread and fear that actually is causing a burning pain in my chest.

What people don't understand about procrastination is it is not about being lazy. It's about real fear and pain. It's as much an illness as any other physical or mental illness, though I would categorize it as more of a spiritual illness. I'm logically aware that it needs to be done and aware that my excuses aren't nearly as rational as I choose to believe but physically and mentally I cannot get past this wall of fear that just stops me in my tracks.

I've tried making lists and praising myself for getting things accomplished. That has worked for smaller tasks but as they become bigger and scarier I return to old patterns and once again fail. Once I've failed I am filled with despair and self doubt. I judge myself. I don't like it so I ignore it and the cycle continues.

I believe the first step in any self improvement is to recognize the problem, which believe me I do. But I've recognized it for most of my life. I've been dubbed the queen of procrastination and have somewhat accepted and even embraced the title. So how do I stop this behavior?

Well there is a next step in the process. That next step is to realize where this behavior stems from. Right now I have some of that answer but not all of it. I'm working through it. I'm finding it a stressful process just doing that. I find that some days I procrastinate dealing with my procrastination because the thought of it alone creates anxiety within me. I am getting there though.


I know that after I get to the root of the problem there are more steps in the process of changing this behavior  One of these will be to change my own internal dialogue and thinking process. I need to stop thinking and telling myself that automatically every situation will be difficult and painful. I need to stop believing that I'm not good enough, that't the "If only I was better" syndrome. I need to change these damaging thoughts and words to a more positive outlook and accept that I am good enough, I am talented, I am worthy of respect and more.

I also will need to change how I deal with each task as it arises  It will mean facing my fears head on and moving through them. It means doing stuff even when it feels immensely frightening to me. Doing this is as frightening and painful to me as it is for my husband who has social anxiety to go out to a bar and dance with me. Nevertheless it will be necessary to change this behavior.

Eventually, with support and perseverance one can overcome the debilitating affects of a procrastination cycle. It will not happen overnight. There will be times when one falters or backslides, so to speak. The important thing is to continue trying. Working slowly toward your goal of overcoming it entirely.

Personally, over the years I have overcome much of it. Smaller tasks are not so difficult and anxiety inducing as they used to be. Larger tasks are still very much of a challenge but I continue to work at it and eventually I hope to be able to get control of this and be able to accomplish things in a more timely fashion.

As with any and every spiritual, emotional, or mental difficulty, this is a long and difficult challenge but one well worth undertaking along a path to a happier and healthier life.