Cruelty is not a fashion statement

I was watching a program tonight that was so on track for me. I have recently had more insulting cruel remarks thrown my way. But this isn't the first time in my life it's ever happened.

I've never felt like I was the prettiest girl. I was teased as a child sometimes mercilessly because I was tiny and didn't really develop quite as prominently as the other girls. That teasing became the voice in my head that told me I wasn't good enough. That voice that said I was ugly and stupid.

I went into a shell! I hid from the world and eventually from myself. I hated me. I wondered who could ever love such a worthless little waif like me. Through the cruel words from the outside and the cruel words from the inside I eventually became what those voices kept telling me I was, like a self fulfilling prophecy.

The internal pain that this caused me started me down a dark road. The self loathing turned outward and I began to hate my classmates and blame them. Then confusion set in and I didn't know who to hate. I fantasized about death and if they would realize the pain they caused. Thankfully my spiritual beliefs kept me from doing anything more than fantasizing.

As I grew older the voices in my head grew louder and louder, so loud they drowned out anyone who dared to attempt to compliment me. I lost all perspective and all faith in myself. I learned that I couldn't trust myself so I stopped. I stopped trusting my instincts about everything but mostly about people, which got me into a lot of trouble.

For now I'll skip the dark road that I wandered around for a while, eventually that article will be written but the point of this particular article is the damage that words can do to someone.

Young people are all afraid and all vulnerable. Negative words and actions toward someone of a young age can have a lasting effect upon their lives. Adults have to remember this because sometimes it is those who are supposed to protect these frail young minds and emotions that do so much damage, but children are just that, children. They are young and need guidance. As a child I just thought they were bad people but they weren't, they were just kids. Kids struggling to make it and with very little idea how.

When I became a parent and my children began to be bullied or picked on I often would call their parents, because we were from a small community where most of us knew each other. I can recall two very specific incidents which spoke volumes about how children need guidance.

The first was right after our daughter died. A little boy was picking on our youngest son on the bus. At one point he looked at my son and said 'I hope you die just like your sister did'. I was in shock and I was furious. I called his mother immediately. She was appalled and promised me she would deal with it. I don't know what she said to him at home but about 30 minutes later there was a knock on our door. I opened it to see a very angry yet apologetic woman and a very sad and frightened little boy. She asked if they could speak to my son, who I immediately called to, and that little boy stood there and gave a very heartfelt apology. Our two sons became good friends after that and that little boy never, that I'm aware of, said anything cruel to another child.

The other I remember was boys throwing bars of soap at my older son at school because of a medical condition he was struggling with. I knew the parents of the young man who was the ringleader and I called them. The mother's response was 'boys will be boys' and she hung up. The harassment continued and worsened over time until my son began to change in order to deal with it. It was a visible change and an unpleasant one but I understood because it had happened to me just in a different direction.

Bullying is a form of abuse. It is not about 'kids being kids'. Children need guidance. Not always, but many times without that guidance children who are bullies can grow up to be abusive adults. They may not hit but their words and actions are still abusive. Cruelty as a tool to gain power over another is abusive.

So kids if you are reading this stand up for yourselves without cruelty. Don't let another tear you down because of their own fear or need for power. And don't let them make you believe that you are not worthy or good enough, because you are. You are special, no matter what anyone says.

Bullys, don't injure another for years to come just to feel better about yourself or for fun. What you are doing today has lasting effects. Years from now you may look back and regret your actions or you might not but I guarantee years from now that person you are treating like garbage won't just look back but will carry your words and actions with them every day. And you might think this cruelty makes you strong or powerful or popular but in reality it shows your weakness. True strength comes from kindness and true wisdom comes from the ability to see further ahead than the moment. What you do today will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Parents, teach your children to believe in themselves, love themselves and to care about others. Teach them right from wrong. Teach them values from a young age. Tell them they are special and amazing. Remind them they have value. Make sure they know they matter. Don't just say 'kids will be kids'. Because you don't want their actions to have lasting effects on another who they might damage severely or lasting effects on themselves for the pain they inflict or the pain another might inflict on them.

There is one more kind of bully I want to speak to and that is the adult bully. The saddest thing to see is a grown person bullying a child or even another adult. This type of bully has never learned how to communicate any differently. They've never learned to look within and love THAT person so they cannot show love and caring to others. They are the cruelest and saddest of bullies because the sad fact is they no longer have anyone to guide them and help them learn a different way.

I've seen this bully far to often. It's those adults who never look back and regret, they look back and remember 'ruling the school'. They crave power and even when their cruelty doesn't get the results they want they continue because they don't know any different. When their words or actions do not obtain the desired result, which is that feeling of self value that they lack, often it just gets worse.

Often this adult bully could have avoided this unpleasant and unhappy life with the right guidance. Not always. I've learned, over many years and much attempt to understand human behavior, that sometimes people just are who they are but so many times all it takes is the love and patience of a good adult influence in a child's life to help them avoid this devastating path.

Cruelty is not a fashion statement!