Sticks and Stones....

I refuse to hide this time! I am about 90% positive that my ex-husband has found me again, if he ever actually stopped watching me. I used to find it frightening to the point where I'd freeze up completely and shake from head to toe. I'd cry hysterically and stop writing, stop sharing, and disappear from anyplace he might find me. I REFUSE to hide again.

I write because I LOVE to write. I share my life because I hope it will help another in some way to deal with whatever might be happening in theirs. To hide would allow this pathetic, sad, truly disturbed human being to take a big piece of who I am away and I will not let him do that again.

Now that I've said that let me add there is a 10% chance that it is some other sad, pathetic, disturbed human being who is making their best effort at attacking me with their misinformed words, or words formed from their own warped sense of reality. I won't let that person take a piece of me this time either.

Too often in my life I have let one person tear me down all too easily. Today I am making a choice not to let it happen. Life is a choice and sometimes, even when it is frightening, we have to choose the path that leads us down a new road.

I remember when I was a little girl I decided that someday I would be insanely famous because of my writing. Even at 10 years old I always knew that writing was what I wanted to do. It was a part of me at some root level that I couldn't explain. Writing got me through dark times and good ones too. Well I never became famous but apparently I have become somewhat known for my writings. I know I am talked about and my writings shared because they, on occasion, speak to someone or help someone with something in their own lives. And with that comes the good and the bad.

Something I didn't know when I was a child was that there are people in this world who LIVE to hurt other people. People who have lost all faith and hope. There are people who, because they cannot find happiness in their own lives, do not want anyone else to find happiness or success or even recieve help when it is needed. These people have learned only a vocabulary filled with hate and hurt. They spew it out upon others and do not care about the damage it might cause or they enjoy the damage.

When you put yourself out there, like I do all the time, people WILL attack you. They will try to verbally mutilate you. They will do their best to tear you down so that you feel that same pain they carry with them every day of their lives. I have all too often allowed it to do just that but I am making a choice this time not to do it.

I have spent many years writing and sharing and putting myself out there. I have lent a helping hand to so many on dozens of occasions. Even now, I am where I am because I chose to help someone in need rather than follow the road onto an adventure I desired and I have no regret for doing so.

I know who I am. I share it openly and honestly and one thing I know is there are still aspects of myself that I HAVE to change. One of those is letting other people change how I feel about myself. In the past I have allowed a sour comment to send me into a tailspin for months but today I'm choosing to remember that those words have no truth and without truth they mean nothing.

So the next time someone tries to sour your day with words that have no truth, even though they hurt, don't let them damage you. We can only be damaged by another if we allow it. And for far to long I have allowed it.



And to the person trying to hurt me, I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry if life has not treated you well. Life is sometimes a difficult place to be but it is how we uphold our own values in the face of those challenges that speaks to who we are. Maybe I used to be an easy target because I wasn't one who could spew hateful words, maybe it was because I was easily hurt and controlled, but that isn't who I am now. I still do not spew hate even when I am hurting, even with all that life has hit me with, but I am not so easily controlled anymore and I'm much more sure of myself than I ever used to be. But if focusing on me keeps you from doing this to a weaker person than fine but maybe instead of focusing on others you should be focusing on YOURSELF.