Remembering the joy

It was almost 21 years ago when I gave birth to my very first child. I remember that pregnancy so clearly. I remember every kick, every emotion, every pain and joy. I remember the sadness of doing it alone but the love I so immediately felt for this little tiny life growing within me.

I remember the moment the doctor told me I was pregnant. My first reaction was terror and anger mixed with so much love and joy. It had only been about a year since I had miscarried. I was frightened I might lose this child. I was terrified that I might not. Could I even be a mother? Was I ready? And how on earth would I manage it financially, emotionally? All I could do was cry.

The tears did not fall from sadness but from the shear terror that had me in it's icy grip. The terror that I was not worthy of this amazing gift or that I would mess it up somehow. What I didn't realize then is NO parent is perfect and we all make mistakes. Every parent screws up along the way. The only thing I was completely certain of was the love I felt. The amazing connection to this little life I had to protect that was growing within me.

I was already 10 weeks pregnant or thereabouts. There was no internet then so I couldn't just google search to see what my baby looked like then but I went right out and bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I flipped through it's pages and stared at the pictures of what my baby looked like right now and would over the coming weeks. I read the book over and over throughout my pregnancy and did everything I was supposed to in order to try to have a healthy, intelligent baby.

When you are pregnant the time seems to go by so slowly. Looking back it seemed to go by in the blink of an eye. It is a wonderful amazing time. I remember the first time I felt Kyle move in my belly. It was exciting and insane. That moment of realization that a person is growing inside you can be really surprising.

Then came that first ultrasound. The moment when I could find out the gender of this little child within me. Did I want to know? Should I let it be a surprise? HA! Yeah right! I am about the most impatient person on the planet. Like I could really wait. Knowing could help me with the naming and the shopping. Of course I wanted to know. And fortunately, unlike with most ultrasounds that are uncertain and difficult to read, there was no doubt with mine that I was having a beautiful baby boy.

My mother was wonderful about it all. The love of her life had died several months before this little bundle of joy entered our realm of possibility. She helped me with everything and she did it with such love. It brought a smile back to her face that I feared might be gone forever. It took away the grief, if only for moments at a time, and the fear that we both had been experiencing.

I remember toward the end of my pregnancy I had gained so much weight and my body was reacting so badly that I was miserable. I was tired and in pain all the time. I prayed this child would hurry his way into this world, but I wanted him to wait long enough to be sure he was safe so I was ever so careful.

As my due date got closer with no sign of this child ever leaving the comfort of my womb, I began to get desperate to go into labor. I not only wanted to relieve my body from the ever increasing discomfort but I wanted to see my child. I wanted to hold him in my arms and watch him sleep, which he didn't do in my belly much anymore.

My mother and I had read that sometimes walking could induce labor so we decided to take a trip to the mall. We walked the whole length of it and back again to no avail. At home I would stand behind our Canadian rocker and move like I was walking as much as I could. Again nothing.

On Christmas Eve, the night before my due date, a friend's son called me and played jingle bells on his new keyboard to me. The funny thing is he played in in all laughing which got me laughing and suddenly there it was, labor at last.

At the hospital I pushed for 12 hours before they finally called the surgeon to do a c-section. By the time they gave me the anesthesia I was barely breathing and the moment it hit my whole body relaxed. It was a moment of bliss. Then off to the operating room.

I don't know how long it took but it wasn't long before my little boy was out, breathing, and crying like crazy.

In the hospital room I didn't want to let him go. I held him and smiled and cried and felt more love than I ever thought was possible. There he was this amazing little boy. This child who had grown in my belly. This little creature who had fluttered and kicked within me. There he was, with a head full of hair and 10 little fingers and 10 little toes.

Never in my life have I felt so much joy as when I was pregnant, feeling that little life grow within me, and the moment each of them were born and within my arms.

All in all I've had three children but four pregnancies. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. And though the man who fathered that child was not a man I ever would have wanted to share a part of my life with and I might never have escaped from if we had achieved having that child, it destroyed me for a time. I still to this day miss the child I never had. I knew her from the moment she was conceived. And though I know that life did for she and I what needed doing by keeping us both out of a very difficult situation, I will always love her. 

Thankfully my other 3 were all born healthy and into a family that loved them with everything within them to do so. Every one of my children has been a blessing in my life. I know life might have been easier if I'd chosen a different path but I will never regret the path I did choose and the lives that became a part of mine because they were my children, my life.