Dear Husband

Dear Husband (John),

Have I told you lately that I love you? Reminded you how important and precious you are to me? I know you don't always believe that you are special, but you are. You are my hero.

Let me recount just a few ways in which that is true, but please remember that this is no where close to all of them. Every day in a hundred little ways you are my hero and I fall in love with you all over again.

I would have to say that first and foremost you saved me. You saved me from myself. When we got together I was in a dark place. I was lost, afraid, and withdrawn. I had no ability to make rational judgements or trust myself in any way. Instead of growing in my last long term relationship I had shrunk into nothing. You saved me from all of that.

You were patient and kind. You reminded me that you were NEVER going to hurt me and that I didn't have to fear you. You constantly reminded me to be myself. It took a lot of years but you stood by me and took the time it needed to rebuild my self esteem and strength. And then you helped it grow into so much more.

If it hadn't been for those building blocks that YOU provided I never could have accomplished all that I have done. I never could have been a talk radio hostess or even share my writing online as I do. I never could have made some of the amazing friends we've met over the years because I would have been too afraid.

So thank you for loving me enough to help me become a whole person again and for having the patience that it took to help get me there.

I also want to thank you for being who you always are but moreso when we lost our child. I know you don't really see the strength you showed at that time because you too were suffering but even in your suffering you so often put me first. I saw that. You gave me space when you knew it was right to and you were there for me when I couldn't stand alone.

So many marraiges crumble at the loss of a child but because of who you are, who WE are, it just brought us that much closer. You were and are my strength in the times I needed you and need you the most. I know you don't always realize that but I will continue to tell you until someday you understand.

Over the years you have been not only my strength but the strength for others as well. Your kind heart has helped so many of our friends and family. Your generosity has blessed so many. And each and every time it melts my heart and reminds me why you are so amazing and I fall in love all over again.

Even now, as my body fights me at every turn, you are there for me. You support me and help me in ways you don't even understand. Just seeing you across the room, knowing you love me, having you near me, is a comfort in my weakest of moments.

You take care of me when I cannot do it myself. You make sure I'm okay even when you aren't always doing so well yourself. You might not see it. You might not understand it. I know you have a difficult time accepting it.

I'll keep telling you until someday it sinks in and then I'll continue to tell you, because you are amazing and strong and I wouldn't be who I am without you. I love you more than words can ever express.

Love
Tracy

My review of "Fifty Shades of Grey"

I'm not even sure why I decided to read this book and thus far I have only read the first one in the trilogy, but I will say I prefer to read something myself and develop my own opinion on it rather than simply accepting the judgements of others who may or may not have read it.

When I first heard of the book I didn't have any information about it except for the name and an opinion of someone I do not know that she loved the book. It had been so long since I had found any book interesting enough to finish that I thought I might try this one if I got the chance.

I wrote that I wanted to read this book on my facebook and immediately a friend contacted me and said I shouldn't do anything until she and I talked. I figured it didn't really matter because I probably wasn't going to have the chance or money to buy this book anyway.

Then, over the weekend, my husband and I decided to get ourselves out of the house for once and we went to a bookstore for the first time in ages. I wasn't even thinking about Fifty Shades of Grey, more about getting a couple magazines and maybe stumbling upon a book that I might enjoy but no clear idea of what.

I did in fact buy a couple of magazines I enjoy, Psychology Today and Scientific American Mind. I know I'm odd, but I enjoy this type of reading material.

Then, as we were about to leave the store, there it was, Fifty Shades of Grey. I made some comment about finding after I'd already bought something and my husband asked me what it was. All I knew was that it was supposed to be a very good book and that it was erotic in some way. Of course the minute I said erotic my husband immediately told me to buy it. I just laughed.

We walked around the mall a bit but on the way back through I did in fact buy the book just on a whim. I thought, why not.

When we got home I read the first couple of chapters and then I called my friend who had wanted to discuss this with me before I read it. She was displeased and I could hear it in her voice. She told me that the book is a poor representation of the BDSM community and that it promotes the abuse of women. I was a bit taken aback. Had I just bought some terrible book? Was this book really going to be about the poor treatment of women?


Well now I was more curious than ever. If she was right then I would speak out against it but I needed to make the assessment myself. I am not closed minded or uptight and wasn't concerned about the sex scenes in the book being too much for me. I was more concerned I was going to find some real traumatic things within these pages.

I continued reading and found myself extremely drawn into the storyline. The sex scenes were not written all that well and were in fact not the more interesting part of this book. In my opinion the story could not have been written without the concept of them though because they are an integral part of the characters and the story.

What I found were some very interesting characters. I read reviews on the internet that tear these characters apart for this reason or that reason but in reality they are incredibly diverse and funny and fun to watch within the pages as they grow closer to one another.

Christian has a dark side but he has so many other sides to him as well. Sides even he has not explored and is slowly discovering through his developing love for Ana. Ana is sweet and innocent and in that she brings out some of the best sides of Christian while she explores the darker sides of herself.

That is not to say that BDSM has to be considered dark all the time. Actually some of even what is portrayed in the book is loving and sensual more than dark.

In my opinion the writing in this book is not terrible and maybe not one of the greats but it's certainly done well enough. The storyline is where it's at here. There is an amazing love story that people are far to easily dismissing because their own uptight 'morality' keeps them from seeing it.

If you feel you cannot handle the sexual expressions within this book then you probably should not read it, but if you are comfortable enough with yourself and your sexual being then this book is actually a really good read.

The love story, the character development, the unspoken undertones within the pages are my favorite kind because it all makes you think. It allows you to explore the different parts of the human psyche. This book is definite book club material because there is plenty to discuss and ponder about.

Quite honestly I do in fact plan to read the other two books in this series. I don't think I would have but I will admit I was so furious with the way book one ended that now I have to see how the story continues. I'll let you know if/when I manage to buy and read them.

Fibromyalgia Monster

Fibromyalgia, the invisible monster in your body. It is widely misunderstood by not only family and friends but by our own doctors. It is often misdiagnosed or completely ignored out of ignorance or lack of information. It is impossible to see on most days and, even on those days when the symptoms are readily visible, most people think it is simply something temporary or 'all in your head'.

Fibromyalgia does has it's own set of difficulties and symptoms but it also seems to make those of us unfortunate enough to live with it more easily susceptible to a slew of other ailments. Almost as if the disease is lonely and wishes for playmates and some genie grants the wish. Suddenly the body that is suffering already with the pain and often debilitating symptoms of the fibro itself is invaded by all it's playmates. Some of whom decide it is a lovely place to visit but then they leave for greener pastures, others of which decide to move in and keep the fibro more permanent company.

If you are one of those folks with the misfortune to be diagnosed with this mysterious ailment, which even doctors are still baffled by, then you know what I speak of. Your symptoms probably started small, with a knee popping or some interesting, unknown, pains surfacing in different parts of your body. This might have been accompanied by anxiety, which always seems to go hand in hand with Fibromyalgia, like a wife or child it seems to come as a package deal. You might also have already had what they call TMJ, which is basically your jaw popping in and out of place and sometimes even locking out of position until forced back in.

But, you also probably learned to live with the minor or major discomforts. You learned your limitations and your abilites. You learned how to continue living even with this monster inside you.

Then one day flu season comes along. Somehow you have managed to catch it. "Okay" you say to yourself, "I've had the flu before and, though it isn't any fun, I can deal with it". What you didn't realize is that now that the fibro has a good hold on your body how much fun the flu would have playing with it. You didn't realize how much more your bones and joints would ache, how much more your stomach would hurt, and how much longer you would be sick with it. What lasts everyone else maybe a week goes on for three or four weeks for you. It hangs on like never before and seems to want to take up residence. Then one day thankfully it gets bored and moves out.

Down the road, as you've adjusted to all the other little things you have discovered about fibro and it's companions, you begin to develop symptoms that don't seem to fit your current diagnosis. You call the doctor, which is probably not a fun prospect because even the ones who accept fibro and somewhat understand it don't really 'get it', and you get an appointment. Tests are scheduled, more than you can stand, results gathered, and finally you are given another diagnosis. They aren't saying you don't have fibromyalgia, they are simply saying it has a new friend called -insert name here-. It varies but with our disease we are prone to so many other possible long term illnesses. Some are tolerable and others are debilitating, depressing, and almost impossible to live with.

The other side of an invisible illness like this are the people. Friends, family, strangers, and doctors, who do not seem to even want to understand. They think we are lazy, crazy, making it up, over-reacting, or some other belief that makes them treat us like we are less than they are. It seems it somehow gives them the right to talk to us disrespectfully or with an utter lack of compassion.  It makes this disease 100 times more difficult to live with when those around you, those closest to you, those who you need to trust the most, don't seem to even want to understand or make an effort.

Today, for instance, I woke up in SO much pain. I cannot move still at this moment or it's excruciating. I was in tears all morning. I'd had almost no sleep due to the pain all night. I thought I might have to go to the hospital. My husband, sweet as he is, looked at me and with so much love and concern in his eyes said "I wish there were something I could do for you". What he didn't realize is he just did.

I hate days like this, when I can't really give him attention because my body seems to hate me. I always feel guilty and worthless. And this amazing, understanding man knew just what to say, even if he wasn't aware of it.

He convinced me to try to get a bit of rest, even though laying down seemed to cause even more pain. He came into the room with me and laid down with me just to rub my arm in comfort. Then he took his hands and placed them on my neck and shoulder, which were causing me the most trouble, and tried to will the pain away from me. It worked. The comfort and care he provided allowed me enough relief that I managed to fall asleep. I still didn't sleep well but it was rest nonetheless.

I am one of the lucky ones. One of those who has an amazing support system. My husband understands. My mother understands, I often call her when I'm really sick just to hear her voice. My best friend understands. My youngest son understands and helps me around the house as much as he can. They know I have my good days and when I do we can enjoy them. They also know I have my bad days, which sometimes last longer than a day, and when I do they do their best to help me through them and remind me that they love me no matter what. I don't think I'd get through the pain I'm currently experiencing without them.

Hidden Lessons....

I was watching yet another show about teens and their high school lives tonight. This time it was Dawson's Creek, before that it was One Tree Hill and before that it was Greek. They are all amazing shows for their own reasons and in their own way.

Shows like these make you think. They mean different things to different people. For some, like me sitting here at 41 years old, they remind me of a time when dreams were possible. They make me wonder about my own childhood years. They make me look back on my own parenting triumphs and terrible mistakes. They evoke emotions for me that sometimes are wonderful and other times are traumatic but all of them help me to think about things and work through things that I may have tucked away in order to deal with them in my own way and time.

For others, who might be teenagers themselves, I hope they remind them that there is hope within their dreams and there are so many different things they could dream of doing and being. I hope these shows remind them to BE young while still working toward any future it is that they desire and that they can do both.

Then their are those young parents who might be watching a show like this. I pray this is a reminder to them to support their children and guide them but with love and compassion. I know there were times when I might have shut down one of my children's dreams because I worried that they would end up poor and struggling if they didn't focus on something I felt was more attainable. I am forever sorry for those choices because it is important to both you and your child for them to feel your pride, your love, your support, no matter how difficult that might be. It is important for your children to feel loved even when they make mistakes or have dreams that might not match your own for them.

Some people simply find shows entertaining or vaguely interesting. They are an escape from our own world into one that doesn't effect our own future. On a deeper level though, if you look and really think about them, they are teaching us. There is a lesson there in the semi-reality of these shows that can help us to do something different and important for ourselves and for others.

The next time you are watching any show go ahead and allow that show to help you escape. Get involved for that hour or those many hours with the characters and plot lines. Let it take you on whatever emotional tour it wants to take you on, and then find the deeper meaning. Compare it to your own life. What is this show trying to teach you, show you, or help you understand. No movie or show is created without some sort of message, that's what makes them so special. There is a lesson in every single story even if it is hidden deeply beneath the hollywood exterior.

Remembering the joy

It was almost 21 years ago when I gave birth to my very first child. I remember that pregnancy so clearly. I remember every kick, every emotion, every pain and joy. I remember the sadness of doing it alone but the love I so immediately felt for this little tiny life growing within me.

I remember the moment the doctor told me I was pregnant. My first reaction was terror and anger mixed with so much love and joy. It had only been about a year since I had miscarried. I was frightened I might lose this child. I was terrified that I might not. Could I even be a mother? Was I ready? And how on earth would I manage it financially, emotionally? All I could do was cry.

The tears did not fall from sadness but from the shear terror that had me in it's icy grip. The terror that I was not worthy of this amazing gift or that I would mess it up somehow. What I didn't realize then is NO parent is perfect and we all make mistakes. Every parent screws up along the way. The only thing I was completely certain of was the love I felt. The amazing connection to this little life I had to protect that was growing within me.

I was already 10 weeks pregnant or thereabouts. There was no internet then so I couldn't just google search to see what my baby looked like then but I went right out and bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I flipped through it's pages and stared at the pictures of what my baby looked like right now and would over the coming weeks. I read the book over and over throughout my pregnancy and did everything I was supposed to in order to try to have a healthy, intelligent baby.

When you are pregnant the time seems to go by so slowly. Looking back it seemed to go by in the blink of an eye. It is a wonderful amazing time. I remember the first time I felt Kyle move in my belly. It was exciting and insane. That moment of realization that a person is growing inside you can be really surprising.

Then came that first ultrasound. The moment when I could find out the gender of this little child within me. Did I want to know? Should I let it be a surprise? HA! Yeah right! I am about the most impatient person on the planet. Like I could really wait. Knowing could help me with the naming and the shopping. Of course I wanted to know. And fortunately, unlike with most ultrasounds that are uncertain and difficult to read, there was no doubt with mine that I was having a beautiful baby boy.

My mother was wonderful about it all. The love of her life had died several months before this little bundle of joy entered our realm of possibility. She helped me with everything and she did it with such love. It brought a smile back to her face that I feared might be gone forever. It took away the grief, if only for moments at a time, and the fear that we both had been experiencing.

I remember toward the end of my pregnancy I had gained so much weight and my body was reacting so badly that I was miserable. I was tired and in pain all the time. I prayed this child would hurry his way into this world, but I wanted him to wait long enough to be sure he was safe so I was ever so careful.

As my due date got closer with no sign of this child ever leaving the comfort of my womb, I began to get desperate to go into labor. I not only wanted to relieve my body from the ever increasing discomfort but I wanted to see my child. I wanted to hold him in my arms and watch him sleep, which he didn't do in my belly much anymore.

My mother and I had read that sometimes walking could induce labor so we decided to take a trip to the mall. We walked the whole length of it and back again to no avail. At home I would stand behind our Canadian rocker and move like I was walking as much as I could. Again nothing.

On Christmas Eve, the night before my due date, a friend's son called me and played jingle bells on his new keyboard to me. The funny thing is he played in in all laughing which got me laughing and suddenly there it was, labor at last.

At the hospital I pushed for 12 hours before they finally called the surgeon to do a c-section. By the time they gave me the anesthesia I was barely breathing and the moment it hit my whole body relaxed. It was a moment of bliss. Then off to the operating room.

I don't know how long it took but it wasn't long before my little boy was out, breathing, and crying like crazy.

In the hospital room I didn't want to let him go. I held him and smiled and cried and felt more love than I ever thought was possible. There he was this amazing little boy. This child who had grown in my belly. This little creature who had fluttered and kicked within me. There he was, with a head full of hair and 10 little fingers and 10 little toes.

Never in my life have I felt so much joy as when I was pregnant, feeling that little life grow within me, and the moment each of them were born and within my arms.

All in all I've had three children but four pregnancies. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. And though the man who fathered that child was not a man I ever would have wanted to share a part of my life with and I might never have escaped from if we had achieved having that child, it destroyed me for a time. I still to this day miss the child I never had. I knew her from the moment she was conceived. And though I know that life did for she and I what needed doing by keeping us both out of a very difficult situation, I will always love her. 

Thankfully my other 3 were all born healthy and into a family that loved them with everything within them to do so. Every one of my children has been a blessing in my life. I know life might have been easier if I'd chosen a different path but I will never regret the path I did choose and the lives that became a part of mine because they were my children, my life.