Shadow Self

My spirit truly loves life

But mind and body disagree

Sometimes I feel so lost

There's a conflict inside me.

Nobody wants to hear it

Nobody wants to see

The twisted knots I've tied into

My dark reality.

My heart and soul are begging

To only share the light

But there's this part that nags at me

In the darkness of the night.

When everything is silent

The pain so deep inside

Bubbles up and plagues my mind

And there's nowhere to hide.

So I turn the light back on

Try to occupy myself

I know that it's still lurking

But I put it on the shelf.

It's not a part of me I like

I don't want you to see

But I know it's there and I must accept

It is a part of me.

-- by T. Seekins --

The Christmas Gift

The Christmas Gift

------------------------

I see hope in the shining lights that sparkle round the grounds. 

I see love in the ribbons that decorate the town.

I hear joy in the songs we sing at this time of year.

And for a moment, well at least a month, I let go of the fear.

The magic that is Christmas abounds, just look and see.

It's not about the gifts or a decorated tree.

It's about the love, the hope, the joy, that lives within the heart.

It's not about just one day, but a day can make a start.

So today let's find forgiveness for all those little wrongs.

Today let's look within ourselves and find our truest song.

Today let's just be thankful for each and every thing.

And carrying this with us is the the true gift Christmas brings.

by Tracy Seekins

At Home LICE Remedy that WORKS

Finding out that your family has contracted head lice is devastating. It's embarrassing and bothersome. It's difficult to get rid of and it seems that lice have become almost impervious to over the counter medications.

Some time ago (years at this point) my oldest son went to a friend's house and caught head lice. At first we were completely unaware of it. But within two weeks we realized what had happened.

With boys this isn't so bad if they don't mind having their heads shaved down to almost nothing. However, I had very long hair and no matter what I did I couldn't seem to get rid of the lice. I tried several over the counter cures like RID but none of them got rid of the problem completely. I was going crazy.

My head itched constantly. I would use the products and do all the laundry. I sprayed the whole house. Still it came back. I even used the lice comb and found nothing for days, suddenly there would be an adult lice in the comb within a few days. I was at my wits end. I was so frustrated I even had my husband cut my hair short, which I found out later is useless because they cling to your head at about 1/4 inch from the scalp.

I looked online for home remedies, which always seem to be the only thing that work. I found lots of

suggestions but I wanted to be sure. So I took two of the suggestions and combined them. Within one treatment it was all gone and it did not come back. Here is what I did.

You will need

• white vinigar, 
• Tea Tree Oil, 
• Peppermint essential oil, 
• and shampoo. 

You may also want to have a lice comb to get all the dead lice out of your hair. And they will be dead.
Now take some white vinegar and soak your hair with it. Once thoroughly soaked cover your head with a plastic bag as if you were wrapping it with a towel. Leave your hair up in this for about 20 minutes. When done, rinse your hair and then use a lice comb, if you bought one, which I advise.

While your hair is still wrapped take the shampoo and conditioner that you will be using and add the following. Take 2 cups of the shampoo and add 20 drops of tea tree oil, 10 drops of peppermint oil, and 1 teaspoon of salt. Then add 10 drops of tea tree oil and 5 drops of peppermint oil to the conditioner, this can be a full bottle but no less than 1/2 a bottle. Shake them both well so that everything is fully blended. The shampoo might be a little runny but that's ok. Take the remaining shampoo and add another 20 drops of tea tree oil and shake. Save this for later use.

After your vinegar treatment, take the 2 cups of strongly mixed shampoo and the bottle of conditioner that you prepared into the shower. Wash your hair thoroughly with the shampoo and leave it on your hair for about 3 mins if you can. Then rinse and use the conditioner as you normally would. This will kill all the lice on your head.

There have been studies done proving that tea tree oil DOES kill lice. The peppermint oil is for the itching and the damage you HAVE done to your scalp from scratching. The salt also repels lice and simply my extra added way of making sure they go away. You can also add 15 - 25 drop of tea tree oil into a spray bottle filled with water and spray your couch, bed, pillows, curtains, and rugs. This ensures that the lice in your home die. (I didn't even do all the laundry a second time. What was clean just got sprayed)

From here forward always add 15 - 20 drops of tea tree oil to your full bottles of shampoo and conditioner. The reason for this is because lice to not like tea tree oil and will avoid your head because of it. Tea tree oil is also very good for dry itchy scalps and dandruff so it doesn't hurt to have it in all your shampoo anyway.

Had I known this trick years ago, I would have used this all during my children's school years. Tea tree oil has many other amazing uses but this one is definately one of my favorites.

Ransack... The Quest Begins

Suddenly I appeared in a strange city. All around me were people with weapons, people with hands that glowed brilliant as the light of the sun and people like myself singing tunes and making merry.

I turned to see a shadow move... no... just a trick of the light. Wait! Yes! There in the eaves of a nearby building I could make out a shape of some person skulking around.

Quickly I grabbed my purse and tucked it in under my garments, feeling nervous and unsure.

I wandered the streets wondering where I had appeared. Nothing seemed familiar, and yet I felt at home in this odd place. I felt as if I had found a place where I might belong.

Finally I found a tavern and stepped within, hoping to find someone who could explain where I was, what I should do. I spoke to a priest and he told me I had arrived in a place called Stormreach. 'What an odd name', I thought.

He asked me to complete a task for him. I thought about this interesting venture. He told me that many rewards would be mine if I could achieve his task. I decided I should undertake it and see what this strange land held for me.

I followed his directions to the place in which he had asked me to go and stepped inside. I was immediately faced by a strange metal dog, who did not by any means look friendly. I grasped my quarterstaff tightly and stepped forth to dispatch the creature.

Next thing I knew I was on my back. The creature had spewed some sort of oily substance upon the floor and began chewing on my leg. I stumbled and finally regained some balance, continuing to beat on him, finally succeeding and realizing I would need to be more careful. This quest I had undertaken was not going to be easy but I would succeed.

The task took some time and many stops to heal myself, but in the end I did finally succeed and returned to the priest. He kindly thanked me and offered me the choice of many useful items. I chose a new helm and thanked the man. He told me to seek out others like him and continue my journey, for I had a destiny to fulfill.

I turned and left the tavern and began my new journey, accepting my fate.

Upon leaving the tavern I discovered a posting board with others who were undertaking similar tasks and seeking assistance. Excited to not take this journey alone I requested to join others upon their journey and was accepted into a group of brave souls.

Upon their vests they all wore the same symbol and the word Ransack. I inquired about their garments and they told me of guilds within this realm. Guilds of people who work together for a common goal. Guilds of people who had much knowledge of this realm and were willing to share it. They told me about Ransack and the highly trained members within.

I asked how I might become one of their ranks, and they kindly explained that I needed to gain some experience within the realm and work with them over the course of time to see if I would be a good fit. I asked that they call on me when they could so I might prove my value and they agreed.

Over the next few weeks I worked with this group many times and grew to enjoy their company. I learned and followed. I became a part of their team. Then one day I was asked if I would like to join their ranks and I gladly accepted this kind offer.

Now I proudly display the colors of Ransack, what I have now learned is one of the oldest guilds in the realm and where I have found a welcome home and wonderful friends.

My journey continues and I am proud to have the other members of Ransack by my side upon this mysterious journey.

Knowing what's important

It's not important that the whole world should love who you are,
but it's important that YOU love who you are.

It's not important to always be right,
but it's important that at the end of the day you can accept what you've done.

It's not important to always be number one in everyone's eyes,
but you should always be number one in your own eyes.

It's not important to make everyone hear you,
but it's important that you always be heard.

It's not important that the universe revolve around you,
but to be a part of the universe you are in.

It's not important to control the world,
but to control the world within you.

You can only be who you are and in that be the best you that you can. Today be a better you.

You cannot truly experience love without first truly loving yourself. Today remember that you are special.

You cannot truly be heard until you learn to be silent. Today try to talk less and listen more.

You cannot control any other but you can control yourself. Today let go of what you cannot control and work on that which you can.

To Hell and Back

To Hell and Back

Into blackness I fell.
Into pain, despair, agony.
And yet these words do not begin to describe,
the road I traveled.
Suddenly light opened above
And I climbed out of fear.
I climbed into life once again
but it seems so impermanent.
Why am I here?
I don't understand.
I try to live but I feel like all I do is wait,
for the dark hole to open once more
and swallow me again.

____________________________________

This piece was inspired while watching an episode of "Supernatural" where Dean admits to Sam that he does remember all that happened to him while he was in hell. He explains there are no words to describe what he saw and experienced.

I think many times in life we have experiences that we can only attempt to describe to another with our limited words. To each of us our suffering is unique, our road is our own, and our experience of such things will vary.

For those who have ever struggled or suffered and felt they did so alone, felt that nobody would understand or could, I share this piece.

If...

Today I sat and thought about what you might be like today. I pondered your personality, your looks, your being. I realize that you'd be 21 now and have to wonder what you'd be like.

Would you be a writer, painter, spiritual seeker? Would you be in college? Getting married? Have children? Who would your boyfriend be and what would he be like?

As I sat and wondered all these things I realized something. Not only do I have to ponder who you would be but also who we would be. Our whole family changed the moment we lost you. If you were still here not only would you have become whoever you would be today but we would also be different people. Who would we be?

Would your dad still be working as a truck driver? Would we still live in our little trailer in Waldo? Would you all have finished public schools and gone on to college? Who would we all be now if life hadn't changed so much in just that moment in time?

So many years have passed now and I don't suffer every moment like I did in the beginning, but every now and then I just wonder. I wonder how life would be different if.....

The Hardest Question

After the loss of a child there are many questions, many comments, and lots of people with opinions. They aren't the ones that cause the most difficult dilemma.

This week I've been watching a show that revolves around the untimely death of a young teen girl. As I have been watching I've had many epiphanies about my own experience as well as such a connection with what the parents have experienced.

The "hardest question" came to me when the mother was away from people who knew what had happened and she met someone that struck up a conversation with her. The discussion turned to children, as it often does, and the other person asked her how many children she had. I saw in her eyes what I feel every time someone asks, "What do I say?". If you answer with the number of all your children, because even your angel in heaven is still your child, then the inevitable question is likely to follow of "How old are they?" and you may have to decide how to handle that question.

I remember the first time a stranger asked me how many kids I have after we had lost Ashley. I was dumbfounded. I really wasn't sure how to answer. Should I tell them right away about my 2 living children and the one who had passed? Should I simply say I have three and pray they don't ask the ages? Do I leave her out and only say 2? Sometimes this is the simplest answer, but it somehow just feels wrong. All of this goes through my mind every single time someone asks. It is the hardest question I will ever be asked for the rest of my own life.

After the loss of a child there are many much more difficult moments. There are times when the world feels like it is falling out from under you. There are moments you stop and just freeze, like the first time you have to walk through a section of the store that used to be only for that child, the first time shopping for a friend's child wishing you were shopping for yours, hearing a song that was their song, and so many others. But it will never cease to amaze me that the hardest question I'll probably ever be asked again is "How many children do you have?"

Stand Against Bullying

I was going to write this as a story but I found it difficult to do so I'm going to attempt to just say it outright.

From the time I was about 9 years old I was slowly becoming depressed. I remember in 4th grade I was so terrified of my teacher and of going to school that I literally made myself ill. I ended up in the hospital with "tummy troubles" that nobody ever figured out, but that I now realize was simply the stress I was putting myself under.

I was called names almost as far back as I can remember. Okay maybe not as far back. I do remember how much I loved 1st grade. I had the most wonderfully amazing teacher. I loved my classmates. I somehow felt like they were my family, since I didn't have any brothers and sisters of my own. I would have done anything for them and I thought they all felt that way too.

Then in second grade things began changing. I remember one day being so upset because a boy in front of me would not stop pestering me while I was trying to read, I loved school, and so I told the teacher. She responded by very loudly telling me to stop flirting with him in front of the whole class, who of course laughed at me and then teased me for days. I was horrified. That really was where things began to change for me.

As the years went on things didn't get any better. I became "Ethiopian Child" and "Hobby Horse" (that one was name related). I was teased relentlessly. I know now it was because I reacted poorly to the teasing. It seems like when kids see they can hurt you, they will.

The more I tried to be seen for ME or to fit in, the more I was turned away or mistreated.

In 5th grade, a girl who was my best friend for YEARS turned around one day in class and scratched my hands so hard they bled. She said "Don't ever speak to me again" and called me some name I can't remember now. It hurt me more than I can ever say. I never told about the scratches because I cared about her but I knew things had changed yet again.

By the time we hit junior high school all I wanted to do was die. I had hit a very dark place. Life was painful. Summer's were amazing but they were so short and life at school was so difficult for me. I had a few great friends but I was still treated by so many like an alien. People I thought of like family wouldn't speak to me. I lived in my own little hell on earth during those years.

On the outside I was usually smiling or joking. I still tried to fit in but usually to no avail. Sometimes we'd get new people to school and for just a little while I'd have amazing new friends, until they needed to fit in and I didn't fit with that necessary persona.

I changed schools and it was AMAZING. I fit in. I was friends with everyone. I got invited to events and outings. I wasn't left out. But, I missed my 'family' no matter how dysfunctional it was and I went back.

By now we were all in high school and things were much different. Oddly enough I had friends in the grade beneath me and above me of ALL social standings, but in my own grade it was still only those others like me who were kind of sidelined.

During these years my poetry was dark and often suicidal. My writing became the only place I could express these hidden parts of me. One summer was so bad I locked myself in my room and covered my window so I could sit in my cave as alone as I often felt.

How I survived those years is truly a miracle. The only thing that kept me from ending it all was my very devout spiritual beliefs and fear. Thankfully that fear was worse than the one of continuing on and somehow I got through.

I didn't get through in tact though. My self esteem was shot. I existed in the world but I wasn't a part of it. I wanted someone, anyone, to love me and see me for me. That desperate desire landed me in several very bad relationships and even a couple of dangerous ones.

Fast forward to my early 30s. By this time I was married to the most amazing man. He really saw me and his desire was for me to see myself. Finally one day I just did. I suddenly became ME and I've been growing ever since. It took years to bandage those scratches but finally they stopped bleeding. I stopped caring what the girl sitting in front of me thought. I stopped thinking about her or any of the rest of them entirely and began LIVING.

I did things I never thought I could. I began blogging out in the open. I became a co-host on a talk radio show. I BECAME! Then the ghosts returned.

I began getting facebook friends requests from people who had never paid me any mind in school, from people who had taunted and tortured me, from people who didn't even know the damage they had done. I froze in fear with the very first request.

At first I didn't accept but I didn't decline. I just sat there looking at it and wondering how it would affect who I was today. I was terrified I'd let all those old ghosts come back and put me in that hole again. I thought, "maybe I should decline and just leave the past in the past", but then I realized that if I was as strong as I believed I was and if I was the person I said I was that I wouldn't let these people change that. Their power over me was never really theirs, it was what I gave them and I'd never do that again.

So I accepted, not just one but many. Over time I gathered up almost all of those old schoolmates. I'm ever so glad I did. We have ALL changed so very much. They aren't those people anymore but neither am I.

Children are often cruel without realizing how much pain they are causing. Children need guidance and so many times adults don't say anything because they think it's "children being children" or "let them work it out themselves".

I stand against bullying in ALL it's forms because I KNOW the damage it can cause and not everyone survives it or recovers from it. Name-calling IS bullying. Singling someone out and harrassing them IS bullying. Seldom is bullying physical (though that happens) but usually it is much more subtle and that can be even more painful.

No child should have to live every day of the 12 years of school feeling like they live in hell. No child should have to hate LIFE to the degree of wishing they could just end it. My heart breaks for the child that was me because nobody was there to help her. My heart breaks for the children who live in hell right now, every day, because nobody even knows they are going through it or nobody cares.

Recently I heard that a child in my home state committed suicide because of bullying. I believe it. With the internet and cell phones it must be even more impossible these days to survive this type of emotional torture. I know I wouldn't have. Fear or no fear, there is NO WAY. I thank God that we didn't have these things then but we do now and that isn't going to change, so we HAVE to change US!

Adults, DON'T stand for bullying. YOU have to be the ones to say NO MORE! We have to teach our children that this is not acceptable. And if you think your child is being bullied in any way, just be there for them. Let them know you love them. Be their champion.

I want to add to this that we lead by example. Adults can be bullies too and all too often I have seen teachers exhibit bullyish behaviors  All too often I have seen adults in the community who are bullies in their own fashion.

Recently I realized that even gossiping can become a bulling behavior when taken to extremes. The other day someone said something to me about someone we both know that was the most horrendous (and untrue) thing. I had to wonder if this person was still IN the 6th grade, but no this person is in their 50s. If adults cannot control their own behavior then we will never teach our children to do so.

Our parents let us get away with this behavior as children and so many of us never learned how hurtful and wrong it is, but if you wouldn't want your child to experience it, then don't do it yourself.

The End of Summer Camp

This is our last month here at the current campground we are at and then we move on to the next step in our adventure. It's both a sad and happy thought. We are excited for the next leg in our journey, the next stop in our path, the next group of people we will meet, but we are also saddened to leave behind such an amazing community.

If you ever went to summer camp as a kid you might understand this, it's going to be like leaving summer camp at the end of the year. Everyone is packing up and getting ready to go home but we are also all very struck by the fact that we won't be seeing each other or interacting on a daily basis.

I know for me, the end of summer camp always meant tears and sadness. It meant saying goodbye. My heart always broke just a little. That's how it will feel leaving here.

The next leg in our journey is taking us much further away than originally planned and because of that we probably won't be returning here at all. Even if we do at some point it might be many years. For me that is sad.

As I sat next to Ann tonight at Bingo I realized how intensely I would miss her. I realized how much I had grown attached to so many of them. I knew it meant I wouldn't see Bill around the park or be able to sit and chat with Flo. I really love these people and this saddens me.

Most of them do not use the internet so keeping in touch with it is out of the question. That's not to say I didn't acquire some wonderful friends who I will be able to keep in touch with online. The God's saw fit to put Mary in my life. This is someone I did not think I would be friends with because she is strong and well off. They have things I'll never have. She intimidated me, but I tried not to let that show. And I'm so glad I didn't let it cloud my sight with her because I have been blessed with one of the most amazing friends I have ever had. Not only that but she DOES use the internet and I will be able to continue our friendship even over the distance, but her presence in my physical life will be greatly missed.

I will be writing down the address here and writing to Flo over the years because I've grown to love her dearly. She is the woman I hope to be. She is my bad influence sometimes and my best friend when I need her. She is the reason I get up and go to activities on occasions when I don't feel like it because I just love seeing her and spending time with her.

As I sit here writing this the faces of others flash through my mind. We haven't all always gotten along perfectly but we have grown a bond in some way. We have spent time together that mattered. I have NEVER experienced a campground that felt the way this one does. It truly does bring me back to the days of summer camp when not all of us got along but at the end of the summer it pained us to leave one another.

Even the owner here tugged at my heart strings when she asked me yesterday if I'd be at Karaoke. She was concerned because I'd been sick and I told her I wanted to be as long as I was feeling well enough. She jokingly said "You better be". That made me feel special and like I'm a part of something.

It is seldom I have found a campground with activities that turn it into such a community, with a sense of connection that leaves you wanting more, and with such amazing people that it pains me to leave. I know we are all headed out over the next couple of months but leaving is definitely a mix of emotions for me and I will never forget the people of this amazing place. I was blessed to find it along my journey and I thank each and every soul within it for making it the experience that it has been.

Needing a Break

Needing a Break

I ask for assistance

I need to see good

The world isn't working

The way I thought it would

My body is aching

My spirit is ill

I'm only surviving

Through sheer force of will.

I pray for the strength

To keep moving ahead

I pray for the will

Just to get out of bed

I pray for some mercy

I can handle no more

I pray for the patience

To weather the storm

I'm grateful for those

Who are somehow just there

Who reach out to help

Who show that they care

I'm grateful for kindness

And for caring words

I'm grateful for silence

And feeling I'm heard

I'm grateful for sleep

My body to rest

I'm grateful for love

With which I am blessed

And now a deep breath

Then let it all go

Another step forward

I can make it, I know.

©Tracy Seekins

The Procrastination Cycle

So in figuring out how to motivate myself and get myself into motion I had to face up to my biggest flaw, procrastination. Why do people get into a cycle of procrastination? Why do I?

Procrastination is the child of fear. Fear of not doing well enough. Fear of things not working out. Fear of judgement. Fear of disappointment of oneself or others. Fear of creating even more stress or worry on oneself or others. Fear, fear, FEAR!


I do not want to live from a place of fear and yet I continue to see what needs to be done and put it off. Breaking this cycle is a challenge because it has become so natural to do that I seldom stop to think about why, I just say to myself "I can worry about that tomorrow" so that I can live this day in peace.

I'm afraid to create these other negative emotional responses or create a situation that makes me have to worry even more, so instead I simply do nothing. I don't want to deal with it today but it is ALWAYS today. There is never a good today to do it. Therefore it continues to be put off until. Until when? Until my husband gets frustrated and then I feel worse in the not doing it, I feel like I've let him down, I feel upset by his disappointment, but that's no good because the fear of him finally getting to that point leaves me in a perpetual state of concern and anxiety.

I am aware that something NEEDS to be done but the anxiety that it creates within me is paralyzing. So to alleviate that paralyzation I simply don't do it, ignore it, and find something else to focus on so I can forget it for another day or few days. I find excuses that make some sort of rational sense to allow myself to feel better about putting it off. I rationalize that if I had more money, more time, more community standing, more more more, I would be able to get it done in a reasonably painless fashion but because I'm not this or that, it is going to be more difficult. Immediately there is a preconceived notion that it is going to be difficult and painful, scary and unpleasant.


Right now I know there is a task that HAS to be taken care of. It should have been done days ago or even weeks ago but I keep putting it off with rational excuses. Thinking about forcing myself to do it is bringing tears to my eyes. I am filled with dread and fear that actually is causing a burning pain in my chest.

What people don't understand about procrastination is it is not about being lazy. It's about real fear and pain. It's as much an illness as any other physical or mental illness, though I would categorize it as more of a spiritual illness. I'm logically aware that it needs to be done and aware that my excuses aren't nearly as rational as I choose to believe but physically and mentally I cannot get past this wall of fear that just stops me in my tracks.

I've tried making lists and praising myself for getting things accomplished. That has worked for smaller tasks but as they become bigger and scarier I return to old patterns and once again fail. Once I've failed I am filled with despair and self doubt. I judge myself. I don't like it so I ignore it and the cycle continues.

I believe the first step in any self improvement is to recognize the problem, which believe me I do. But I've recognized it for most of my life. I've been dubbed the queen of procrastination and have somewhat accepted and even embraced the title. So how do I stop this behavior?

Well there is a next step in the process. That next step is to realize where this behavior stems from. Right now I have some of that answer but not all of it. I'm working through it. I'm finding it a stressful process just doing that. I find that some days I procrastinate dealing with my procrastination because the thought of it alone creates anxiety within me. I am getting there though.


I know that after I get to the root of the problem there are more steps in the process of changing this behavior  One of these will be to change my own internal dialogue and thinking process. I need to stop thinking and telling myself that automatically every situation will be difficult and painful. I need to stop believing that I'm not good enough, that't the "If only I was better" syndrome. I need to change these damaging thoughts and words to a more positive outlook and accept that I am good enough, I am talented, I am worthy of respect and more.

I also will need to change how I deal with each task as it arises  It will mean facing my fears head on and moving through them. It means doing stuff even when it feels immensely frightening to me. Doing this is as frightening and painful to me as it is for my husband who has social anxiety to go out to a bar and dance with me. Nevertheless it will be necessary to change this behavior.

Eventually, with support and perseverance one can overcome the debilitating affects of a procrastination cycle. It will not happen overnight. There will be times when one falters or backslides, so to speak. The important thing is to continue trying. Working slowly toward your goal of overcoming it entirely.

Personally, over the years I have overcome much of it. Smaller tasks are not so difficult and anxiety inducing as they used to be. Larger tasks are still very much of a challenge but I continue to work at it and eventually I hope to be able to get control of this and be able to accomplish things in a more timely fashion.

As with any and every spiritual, emotional, or mental difficulty, this is a long and difficult challenge but one well worth undertaking along a path to a happier and healthier life.

Please vote / give your opinion

If I were to do an online Chakra Course (8 weeks) what would be the best evening and time for you?

Monday: 7pm - 9pmMonday: 8pm - 10pmWednessday: 7pm - 9pmWednessday: 8:pm - 10pmFriday: 6pm - 8pmFriday: 7pm - 9pmSaturday: 6pm - 8pmSaturday: 8pm - 10PmSunday: 5pm - 7pmSunday: 6pm - 8pmSunday: 8pm - 10pm

pollcode.com free polls

Once I've determined the best day/time for such a class I will be posting an update here on the blog with information how to get involved if you are interested. I ask that you share this post so that I can get the most amount of feedback and keep your eye on my blog to see the updates. I will keep this poll active for 2 weeks and then will make a determination if there is enough interest and when it will be.

A Lesson in Forgiveness

Learning to recognize the walls around other people or the damage they are carrying can be an important step in learning to let go of the hurts they cause you along your own journey. It's not about giving them excuses because there is never an excuse for choosing to behave badly but if we can find a possible explanation often times we can forgive so much easier and not carry the pain within ourselves.

Forgiveness does not excuse or accept bad behavior  Forgiveness doesn't mean we will allow such behavior to continue or that we allow a person to remain within our circle of friends. Forgiveness is about giving ourselves permission to release the painful feelings of hurt and anger that are within us. It is about releasing ourselves from carrying the burden of such negative energies that were laid upon us like a yoke upon an oxen.

Don't get me wrong, forgiveness is no simple trick. It is a journey in and of itself. First one must allow themselves to feel and experience the emotions that have been caused by the negative action, words, or situation. And make no mistake it is the actions, words, or situation that caused the negative emotion though we tend to aim it toward the person behind such things. It is a normal human thing to react emotionally to these situations. Cry, stomp, shake, go for a run, etc.. whatever it takes to experience and let yourself feel the emotions that you have to feel to get to the other side.

The next step is to vent. Find a friend or loved one who you are sure you can trust and ask them if you can just vent for a few minutes. Venting is an amazing tool in calming down, which is the current goal. Once you have that someone who doesn't mind being your sounding board, go for it. Let it rip. If you don't feel comfortable with venting to a person, write it down. You can always destroy it later but writing it all out helps get those emotions unstuck. The last thing you want is to become stuck in pain and anger so get it out of you.

Once you have passed the venting stage you might find that sleep is required. Often this exercise alone is exhausting and you may need to rest after. If this is the case then go get some rest. Other people react the opposite and find themselves filled with energy. If you are one of these then turn up the tunes and dance, sing, clean, whatever you can to expend the excess energy in a positive way. Either way your goal here is to find yourself balanced once again before tackling the actual forgiveness.

Once you've found your balance it's time to look at the situation with fresh eyes. Look at the person or people involved objectively. Did they mean to do it? Did they have malicious intent? Was this just in their nature? Were there warning signs?

Do you have some responsibility in allowing the situation to occur? I separated this question because 8 out of 10 times people will dismiss this with a quick no or of course not, but I want you to really think. I believe heavily in self-responsibility and that our own choices often lead to situations that we do not wish to be a part of. That choice might have been as simple as to overlook a person's nature to gossip because you liked the conversations or it might be as complex as getting involved with a group of people who were obviously doing things you don't agree with but it was fine since it wasn't affecting you directly and there are many nuances in between. So be very careful before dismissing this one. And when you find your responsibility take note of it for future reference and then forgive yourself for the misstep in judgement.

Now that you've really looked at the situation and people involved as if you were an outside observer, you should be able to more clearly see it objectively. Your emotional attachment to it should be becoming weaker and not as painful. This is a positive step in the right direction but there is one final step.

You now need to find a way to forgive those involved. You should have already forgiven yourself. You've taken note of your missteps or choices that led you here and will keep them in mind when making future decisions. Now you have to find a way to forgive any others involved.

Again this doesn't mean you absolve them from responsibility. It doesn't mean you agree with what they did or said. It doesn't mean you will allow them to remain in your life. What it does mean is letting go of emotional attachment to their actions and that you are not going to carry the heavy weight of emotional baggage and allow them even more access to your spirit.

To do this you have to create a story. It has to be something that could totally be valid but will allow you to feel a sort of sympathy and feel more forgiving.

So let's say that someone told a lie about you. You know it's a lie. Not only is it a lie but it's a damaging lie and this same person tried to end friendships you had by spreading this lie. You are angry and hurt. You are shocked and in pain. Think. Did this person realize this was a lie or did they possibly believe it to be true? Do they know you well enough to realize that it was not true? Of course the opposite of that is do they know you well enough to assume it's validity? Did they believe what they were doing was helpful to them, their family or their friends in some way?

Let's say that they do know you well enough to realize the untruth and that this damaging lie was told in straight out malicious form. How do you forgive that?

You find a way to realize that they are suffering from damage to their emotional beings. They are fearful or in pain themselves and they lash out in order to lessen their own pain. They spread rumor and lie in order to feel more important because in reality they feel so weak and small. They are like a frightened child. Maybe something truly awful happened to them a long time ago that made them feel this way and they themselves became trapped within this merry go round of emotional turmoil. Picture them as a frightened little boy or girl hiding in a corner. Imagine them huddling under a blanket and screaming whenever anyone got too close. Would you be angry at a frightened child for screaming? Most likely not.

Every situation and person will have a different personification, a different story attached to what they did or said. This frightened child won't always work, though often it fits well for many. This is simply an example of how we take someone from being a terrible human being that we hate and hold harmful and painful feelings toward into something less angering and more to be felt sorry for. We may not want them in our lives because in reality they ARE adults acting badly or making bad choices.

We absolutely have to take responsibility for ourselves and make better choices for ourselves. However, we also don't need to harbor ill feelings toward them that will eventually change who we are and eat away at our inner being.

Anger, pain, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, etc... can all be emotions we become trapped within. They change us in not very pretty ways and they can make our physical bodies ill.

Learning to forgive ourselves and others, to release the weight of carrying negative emotions upon our hearts and minds, is a gift we give ourselves of health and happiness that allows us to move forward and grow without fear of becoming trapped in a cycle of emotional turmoil.

Just Because

Just because I have pain in my body

Doesn't change who I am.

Just because I am poor

Doesn't make me less human.

Just because I act different

Doesn't make me strange.

Just because I talk oddly

Doesn't mean I shouldn't express myself.

Just because I wear dark clothes

Doesn't make me dangerous.

Just because my hair is pink

Doesn't make me a freak.

Just because I smile at you

Doesn't make me fair game.

Just because I don't smile

Doesn't mean I'm sinister.

Just because I'm quiet

Doesn't mean I'm anti-social.

Just because I'm talkative

Doesn't mean I'm not afraid.

Just because you assume something

Doesn't make it true.

Just because you heard something

Doesn't make it so.

Just because we are different

Doesn't mean we can't learn from each other.

Just because we are similar

Doesn't make us friends.

Remember that sometimes people are who they are

Just because.....

3 Types of Exercise for a Happier Healthier Life

We all know exercise is important, but what you might not know is there are different kinds of exercise and they are ALL equally important.

First we'll talk about the most obvious type. When you think about exercise I'm sure this is what you think of and that's the physical kind. Exercising the body. This might be to lose weight, to maintain weight, to gain muscle, to increase or maintain health, or many other reasons. Physical exercise is important for everyone but the type of physical exercise will vary depending on the reason and the person's health situation.

It is important to set aside time to do some kind of physical exercise every day. This might be a walk or run. You might ride a bike or go to the gym. Maybe you prefer to do yoga or go to an exercise class.

So this month I commit to taking a walk with my husband every day and using the exercise bike twice a week.

There are 2 more types of exercise that are supremely important for every person on this planet and so many times people forget these. I bet most of you don't even know what I'm talking about even though I'd also wager that you all do them at least a few times a week.

Just as important as physical exercise are mental and spiritual exercise.

Mental exercise is exercising the mind and intelligence. There are many wonderful ways to do this. One might work on crosswords or puzzle type games. One might read books that challenge the imagination or teach you something. The way I plan to be using is learning something new every day and carrying it with me into the next.

So this month I commit to learning something new every day and doing a learning game of some sort at least twice a week. I'd also like to do more reading again but I might save that till I can afford to buy either some new books or a kindle.

And the final type of exercise that is usually reserved for church or holidays is spiritual exercise. We really need to reserve time every day for this too. It helps us remain connected and centered. It helps us reach within and find our true selves.

So every day this month I commit to meditating for at least 5 mins or more. I commit to spending time thinking about what I am grateful for. I commit to doing spiritual personal discovery work. And I commit to learning just one new thing each day about various spiritual paths and beliefs.

Exercising each our body, mind, and spirit each day can help lead to a happier, healthier, more balanced life. I am on a year long journey with my husband to learn how to live each day with more happiness and balance. This is simply a part of my month of motivation and motion.

Regrets? I have a few.

I always find it funny to see these things that say "I wouldn't change my past because it made me who I am". Ok let's be real here. I'd change SO much.

If I could go back knowing what I know now, I'd worry less about what others think and remember to just enjoy my youth. I'd kiss the boy who made me a ring and told me we'd be married someday instead of laugh. I'd argue with my mother less and appreciate her more. I'd call my father more often just to say hello. I'd spend more time with my children playing and support their dreams more. I'd change so many things.

I realize that my experiences have made me who I am and I DO like who I am but let's not be silly here. If I could go back knowing what I know, I'd make some changes. Just because I appreciate who I am doesn't mean I completely appreciate every experience or that I don't wish I could change some things.

And so many of us DO have regrets. It's not about not having regrets. It's about recognizing them and forgiving ourselves for not making those things different. It's about forgiving others for creating that reality for us. It's about letting go of the then and charging into the now with head held high, knowing what we know now.

I'd love to write myself a letter and send it to the 14 year old me. If I could it would say:

Dear Tracy,

I know you don't understand why some people are mean and cruel but it's really more about them than it is you. You are amazing and beautiful, that scares people and their reactions to their own discomfort are sometimes unpleasant. I can promise you that when you are all older you won't care what these people think anymore. I can promise you that the scary English teacher won't matter in even 5 years. I can promise that you and Wendy will make up. I can promise that your dreams are not hanging in the balance just because this group of people can't seem to be decent. Let them go, they really aren't worth your time.

I know you want so much to be a writer, a teacher, a minister, a psychologist, and so much more. Your dreams are so big and overwhelming sometimes. I know you feel like you don't have any support but you do. There are people who love you and want you to succeed. You can be all these things if you want to be. You just have to do the research and find the right path. It's there. Talk to the school counselor, get some college advise, start asking questions. Nobody is going to do any of this for you so you are going to have to realize that you ARE important and do it for yourself.

In a couple of years, a very handsome young boy is going to give you a ring and tell you that he plans to marry you. Don't laugh at him. Keep that ring and cherish that boy. To heck with what other kids think. He is amazing and perfect and you can make a huge difference for each other right now.

Someday you are going to be a mom too. I know your mother and you don't get along very well. I know you feel like she doesn't understand you and really she might not. The point is that she does love you and want the best for you. She is doing the best she can. Try to cut her some slack and forgive the little things as they pass. She does a lot and once in a while a thank you might make her feel really great.

Don't hang on to your pain and anger so tightly. What happened in 2nd grade doesn't matter anymore to anyone but you. What happened last year doesn't matter anymore to anyone else. What happened last week isn't as tragic as you think. Life goes on. The world keeps moving. And the only one you hurt with all this agony and anger is you. Forgive yourself! You aren't as bad as you think you are.

And when you do become a mother remember that hugs and kisses are an amazing gift to those kids. You do so great at showing them love, don't worry. You will become such a good mother and they are great kids but remember they are kids. They aren't little adults. Sometimes you will need to remember that you can't treat your children like your best friends, because they are kids. Also remember to play with them, spend time with them, create as much fun for them as possible, and if they have dreams support them and encourage them. Reality and life will hit them sooner than anyone ever wants so just let them run with their dreams for as long as they can and who knows maybe they'll even catch a couple.

Here's a really important one. Happiness IS a choice. It's not something we can seek or find or create. It's a choice we make. We wake up and decide to just be happy. And from that choice we do things, say things, and create situations that help us maintain that happiness. I know that is a difficult one to understand but trust me.

Keep reading! Books are so valuable and such a blessing. You can learn so much from every single one of them. You especially tend to soak everything up like a sponge and who you are will in a large part be because of all the reading you have done. But don't forget to get your nose out of the books too and just dance. Enjoy life. Experience. And then write it all down.

I wish I could wrap all of my life's lessons up into one really simple letter for you. I wish I could keep all pain and harm from you. I can't. Some of it you will have to experience so that you can become the person we are today and believe me you will like who you become, I do. But I hope that some of this helps ease some of the suffering that you put yourself through. So much of how you are feeling right now could change if you let it. It's up to you. You ALWAYS have a choice.

Know that you are loved in this life and find some way to love yourself because that is key to creating a brighter reality for yourself. Accept that you are worth more than you think. Let go of all that negative self talk, it's not true.

Take care and I'll see you in about 27 years.

Luv
Me

As I read what I wrote tears fill my eyes. If only I could have trusted these words from someone. If only someone could have guided me in this way. I know I couldn't warn myself about some very specific things because I understand the need to experience certain things. I also know that if I had just that information above my life would have changed dramatically.

Do you know a child suffering from depression? Do you know a child who is obviously in pain? Can you be a light at the end of a very dark tunnel for them? Reach your hand out. Show them a better way. Let them know it DOES get better and it can start right now.  Be their hero.

Are you still struggling to get to that next step in your own life? Do you have feelings of resentment and pain left over from childhood? Write your younger self a letter saying the things you think would be helpful to hear, what you'd like someone to have told you, what might help you heal, and be your own hero.

Thoughts for the Day

Just because happiness is a choice, doesn't change the fact that we ALL have various emotions that pass through us. We all have difficult moments. We all get sad, angry, fearful, frustrated and a slew of other things. The difference between someone who chooses happiness and everyone else is we don't let those other emotions take hold and take over. We allow them to run their normal course, pass through, feel them, and then continue along our journey of happiness.



We are all just doing our best as we walk along within our journey. We are none of us alone. We exist as unique individuals but our actions and words have impact on the lives of others sometimes in very significant ways.

One tool is to put yourself in another's shoes. Think about how they feel that might be causing their words or actions. Think about how they might feel if you say or do a certain thing. Be aware of how your actions might affect others and think before you speak or act. Empathy for others shows great emotional maturity and can help you succeed in your everyday relationships.

Not only can this help us in our everyday interactions but it is also a tool to assist us in forgiving ourselves and others. When you try to see a situation from the perspective of another it can truly change how you feel about an interaction that might have caused you pain or anger.

It is also healthy for all of us to do some internal work and take our own inventory before stepping forward in order to succeed in the things we wish to accomplish and to avoid making missteps that we have made before. Learning from our own mistakes sometimes takes a bit of effort on our own part and I highly believe in self-responsibility, which generally starts with looking at ourselves from the inside out.

Just Who I Am

We each have our own unique way of being in the world. 

It's about love and acceptance both of the self and of others around us.

Our differences make us special and interesting.

Mental Illness is just Illness

Mental illness is no joking matter. It's also doesn't or shouldn't carry the negative stigma that it once did.

Mental illness is like any other illness. It's a part of your body that is not well. If you had a problem with your leg, back, wrist, etc you'd seek medical help and have no issue with others knowing it was there. If you had a disease like MS, Arthritis, Kidney disease, etc you'd seek medical help and usually have no issue with others knowing.


Mental illness is no different. It is a disease, a part of the body that is not well. One should seek medical help and shouldn't be embarrassed about it, but sadly so many do not seek help and are embarrassed even today.

One of the most common mental illnesses is Mood Disorders, including but not limited to Major depression. People with these disorders have moods that go beyond feeling "blue." Experts find that mood disorders have varying degrees of severity. These may include bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder and dysthymic disorder.

Major depression is characterized by persistently sad, hopeless and worthless feelings. It can be a debilitating illness and needs treatment usually with both medication and some form of therapy. The symptoms of fatigue, lack of focus, changes in appetite and thoughts of suicide interfere with everyday functioning.

A person who has suffered from long term depression generally develops their own 'self treatment' options that help them get through their days. Often this might be turning to drugs or alcohol, sometimes it might be cutting or self harm, but it also might be certain social interactions that help a person to feel less isolated and alone.

Isolation from support systems can severely impact the individual suffering from such a disorder and can negatively affect their condition. Reactions can vary from feelings of anger and resentment to self hatred and the loss of a desire to continue living. (if you are having thoughts of suicide please seek immediate assistance either locally or contact the National Suicide Hotline - In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255)

If you have a friend or a family member who is suffering from a mental illness it is important to be informed and supportive if at all possible. First off it is important to recognize and accept that this is an illness like any other. A part of your loved ones body is not well and needs care.

The next step is to educate yourself about the illness. Find out what it is and do the research. Being willing to go the extra mile simply to understand can be beneficial to both you and your loved one. It shows them that you care enough to try and it gives you the necessary information to make informed decisions.

Reach out for support for yourself. If there are support groups for loved ones, join one. If you feel you'd benefit from some sessions with a trained professional, get them. Don't get burned out because this isn't good for either of you. You cannot be a help to your loved one if you have no energy left. One great resource for education and support is The National Alliance on Mental Illness.

Make sure that you allow your loved one some control in their life, in choosing their support system, and in their treatment. People with mental illness often feel they've lost control of their lives or their lives have spiraled out of control. This affects them at many levels but certainly it heavily impacts their self esteem which can be a detriment to them getting better.

When interacting with your loved one, remain calm. Though you are not responsible for another's reactions or illness, your actions can influence your loved one and can impact their symptoms and quality of living. A calm demeanor when interacting with them can do nothing but help. Yelling, getting angry & even crying can create feelings of guilt, frustrations, and anger within any person and to do so with a person suffering from mental illness can cause a setback in positive steps forward that may have been seen. Patience and understanding go a long way here.

Mental illness is not an easy thing to live with for the person who suffers from it or from those loved ones who support them, but it doesn't have to be impossible. Love, understanding, patience, and leaving judgement behind can go a long way to help someone live a happier life.

The mentally ill are first and foremost people. They deserve love, compassion and respect just as any other human being does. They have dreams and hopes just as any other person does. They are no different except in that they are ill and need support and understanding with that aspect of themselves.

Most mental illnesses can be controlled with medication and therapy but as yet their are no 'cures'. However, it is possible to get to a place of living one's life in peace and happiness even with these illnesses and a major component of that is the love, support, and understanding of friends and family.

If you think you may be suffering from a mental illness or if you think a loved one might be, seek out professional help. Don't suffer in silence needlessly. Life is too short to live in pain.

From a Pet who has Passed

Recently I met a wonderful lady who's long time four legged friend had recently passed. Then today another friend had to lay her dog to rest. This poem is for all those who have lost a long time four legged friend. Remember that you were loved and that your love gave them a wonderful life.

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Doggie Heaven

Happy days

Running free

Through the open fields.

No pain or sorrow

No illness here

Lots of bones and yummy meals.

It was my time

Please don't be sad.

You will always be my friend.

I'm right here

Playing happily.

We'll be together again.

I know it's hard

I know you hurt.

I'm sorry that you're sad.

Always remember

It was because of you

Such a wonderful life I had.

by: Tracy Seekins

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