To Hell and Back

To Hell and Back

Into blackness I fell.
Into pain, despair, agony.
And yet these words do not begin to describe,
the road I traveled.
Suddenly light opened above
And I climbed out of fear.
I climbed into life once again
but it seems so impermanent.
Why am I here?
I don't understand.
I try to live but I feel like all I do is wait,
for the dark hole to open once more
and swallow me again.

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This piece was inspired while watching an episode of "Supernatural" where Dean admits to Sam that he does remember all that happened to him while he was in hell. He explains there are no words to describe what he saw and experienced.

I think many times in life we have experiences that we can only attempt to describe to another with our limited words. To each of us our suffering is unique, our road is our own, and our experience of such things will vary.

For those who have ever struggled or suffered and felt they did so alone, felt that nobody would understand or could, I share this piece.

If...

Today I sat and thought about what you might be like today. I pondered your personality, your looks, your being. I realize that you'd be 21 now and have to wonder what you'd be like.

Would you be a writer, painter, spiritual seeker? Would you be in college? Getting married? Have children? Who would your boyfriend be and what would he be like?

As I sat and wondered all these things I realized something. Not only do I have to ponder who you would be but also who we would be. Our whole family changed the moment we lost you. If you were still here not only would you have become whoever you would be today but we would also be different people. Who would we be?

Would your dad still be working as a truck driver? Would we still live in our little trailer in Waldo? Would you all have finished public schools and gone on to college? Who would we all be now if life hadn't changed so much in just that moment in time?

So many years have passed now and I don't suffer every moment like I did in the beginning, but every now and then I just wonder. I wonder how life would be different if.....

The Hardest Question

After the loss of a child there are many questions, many comments, and lots of people with opinions. They aren't the ones that cause the most difficult dilemma.

This week I've been watching a show that revolves around the untimely death of a young teen girl. As I have been watching I've had many epiphanies about my own experience as well as such a connection with what the parents have experienced.

The "hardest question" came to me when the mother was away from people who knew what had happened and she met someone that struck up a conversation with her. The discussion turned to children, as it often does, and the other person asked her how many children she had. I saw in her eyes what I feel every time someone asks, "What do I say?". If you answer with the number of all your children, because even your angel in heaven is still your child, then the inevitable question is likely to follow of "How old are they?" and you may have to decide how to handle that question.

I remember the first time a stranger asked me how many kids I have after we had lost Ashley. I was dumbfounded. I really wasn't sure how to answer. Should I tell them right away about my 2 living children and the one who had passed? Should I simply say I have three and pray they don't ask the ages? Do I leave her out and only say 2? Sometimes this is the simplest answer, but it somehow just feels wrong. All of this goes through my mind every single time someone asks. It is the hardest question I will ever be asked for the rest of my own life.

After the loss of a child there are many much more difficult moments. There are times when the world feels like it is falling out from under you. There are moments you stop and just freeze, like the first time you have to walk through a section of the store that used to be only for that child, the first time shopping for a friend's child wishing you were shopping for yours, hearing a song that was their song, and so many others. But it will never cease to amaze me that the hardest question I'll probably ever be asked again is "How many children do you have?"