Living with Social Anxiety

"Oh I totally understand. I used to be terribly shy too."

"My son used to have that social shyness stuff too and then he just made himself get out there and talk to people. Now he's over it."

"Just get over it! Who cares what other people say or think. Just do what you need to do and to heck with them."

Try explaining that you or a loved one has serious social anxiety or social phobia and these are just a few of the responses you may hear. It's frustrating for those of us who live with a loved one with this disorder, but it's extremely detrimental to the person with social anxiety.

I personally do not have this debilitating ailment, but my husband does. Just as with many ailments, both physical and mental, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's worse than others, but it is ever present.

There are things that can aggravate this condition just as if I do to much housework and aggravate my arthritis or fibromyalgia. There are things that can help lessen the severity just as if I sit or lay in a way that alleviates some of my pain.

It helps to live with someone who 'gets it' and tries to assist in ways that keep it from being aggravated  but that person has to be careful not to assist so much that it actually makes it worse. Finding a balance with this disorder is a fine line.

Let's start here by trying to explain what social phobia/anxiety is. It is NOT shyness. Maybe more like shyness on steroids and speed with panic attacks, paranoia, and heart stopping fear thrown in for good measure, but definitely not simple shyness in any way.

I cannot tell you in just a few words what it is, although I just read the above description to my husband and he was very happy with it. It's still SO much more than that.

I am a very spontaneous person, but I've had to curb that because he cannot be. For instance, one day I decided I wanted to go to the casino local to where we were living and I was happy and excited about the idea of it. I went out and told my husband that I wanted us to go out and he was good with that. He asked where. When I told him he broke into a cold sweat. I saw panic on his face. He turned red and pale all at once. He didn't speak but I could see he was in pain. Realizing what I had done, I sadly said never-mind  Relief washed over him. Then a new emotion. Guilt. He felt terrible to disappoint me as he knew he had, but the thought of going into a crowded casino was too much for him on short notice.

I thought it would be better not to give him time to think about it because often if he sits and thinks about going some place for too long it causes him great anxiety. The anxiety builds up until it is much worse than actually just going there and getting it over with. Alas, I was wrong. He needed time to think, just not too much time. Again that fine line of balance I am constantly seeking.

Many times doctors have nearly called an ambulance for him because his blood pressure was so high upon entering the office. More than once we've had to explain that they need to wait till closer to the end of the appointment and retake it because the anxiety of sitting in the waiting room sends it through the roof.

Then we have the telephone. I've heard a lot of men say they can't stand the phone but his distaste for it goes far beyond that. He has a more difficult time on the phone than many other social situations because he can't see the other person's face. It is literally painful for him to use the phone so he avoids it as much as possible and I usually make our needed phone calls.

My husband is very attentive and supportive of me. He is kind and loving and takes wonderful care of me. He is funny and fun and my best friend. With all that in mind you have to know it tears him apart when I have to go to the emergency room. He has a very difficult time going in with me and often can't at all. There have been times he has and I've had to send him out due to my concern for his well being. This isn't about pushing past some discomfort. It's about physical reactions that his brain creates in his body that he has no control of.

We often talk about what kinds of thoughts cause these physical reactions. We talk about what it's like to have this disorder and what we can do to try to work on it even a little at a time. One thought he's often shared with me is feeling like others are talking about him, laughing at him, or thinking ugly things about him. Rationally he knows that it's most likely not the case. Rationally he knows it doesn't even matter because who cares what they think. But rational thought does not prevail with this disease. The fear and panic take over. He can try to talk himself down but once it takes hold it often cannot be calmed without removing himself from the situation.

I know when it's happening, I know what triggers it, and I know the signs that show on him physically when it's gotten a tight hold on him. Sometimes I can redirect his attention to help him get control. Other times I can redirect a conversation with others in such a way that it diffuses what was causing his stress. But 80% of the time he simply has to remove himself from the situation.

Sadly at some point, people with social anxiety often become tired of even trying and begin to avoid situations that might cause this massive amount of stress. This often means avoiding ALL social contact.

At one point my husband didn't leave our camper (which we live in) for eight full months. A nosy neighbor in the campground didn't believe I had a husband and snuck up to our bedroom window to peek in and see. We were later informed. This type of behavior only serves to worsen his condition and validate his concerns.

In order to be diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, an individual must experience excessive levels of social anxiety, severe enough to bother him or her significantly, or to cause interference in his or her daily routine (ie: work, school, relationships).  This website  (http://anxiety.stjoes.ca/socialphobia.htm) also contains some very helpful information on this still very misunderstood disorder.

Some people claim to have social anxiety but have never truly been diagnosed and in reality don't even understand what this disorder is.  Just because you occasionally get nervous in social situations does not mean that you have social anxiety or social phobia. Many people are shy or self-conscious, at least from time to time, yet it doesn't get in the way of their everyday functioning. Social anxiety disorder, on the other hand, does interfere with your normal routine and causes tremendous distress.

Those who honestly have this struggle every day in every moment. Even when they are not out in social situations they are often in pain because they are either thinking of the next social interaction they will have to endure or they are feeling guilt and pain because they cannot live like others do.

Even in explaining to people that one has social anxiety there lies trepidation, a fear, a note of anxiety that one might be judged, not believed, or completely misunderstood. Sadly, a good portion of the time, people validate this fear by their reactions to the information even if it is simply out of a lack of understanding and knowledge.

Social anxiety is painful in a way that most people can never understand. It steals away one's life and makes every moment that much more difficult.

What's even worse is most people will never hear about this because most people who suffer from this CAN'T talk about it. I'm sure when I read this article to my husband, as I do with all my writings, he is going to be very stressed about my publishing it but I feel it is so crucially important for others to get even a basic understanding of how this affects someone's life that I felt it important to share.

I've only scratched the surface of how intense social anxiety can be for someone who suffers from it. To fully understand it one would have to live with it or live with someone who has it and be totally open to hearing everything that person shares about it.

Because I have lived so closely with it for so many years, because I've watched it develop over time in my husband and seen it in both the good times and the worst ones, I can recognize it at all levels of difficulty in others. I see the potential for it in our youngest son. I did some research and found out that it can be inherited. He too worries that he might have it and he fights it all the time. He works at staying in the world and not letting it take him down. I hope he continues to succeed at that.