I awoke in a grove of tall standing trees. The clean beauty of the white Birch overtook my senses and for a moment and I was awestruck. As the fog of sleep began to wear off, I found myself wondering how and why I had come to be here. Here in this amazing wood with it’s feeling of magic and mystery.
I sat myself down beside one of the largest Birch and thought for long moments. It could not be amnesia, for I knew my name to be Allesia Nobleman. I knew my age to be 23. I remembered my home in Searsport Maine. I could even remember faces and names of my family and friends. I thought harder. What was the last thing I remembered? Ah yes, I was at a celebration. For what? Yes, Summer Solstice. I was at a Solstice circle at my friends house. I remember the battle of Holly and Oak king, the beautiful ritual circle and the fire and the dancing and merriment. I remember Jan offering to drive me home and even riding in her car.
I had a lot of wine both during the circle and during the merriment to follow. Had I
gottendrunk and lost my way? Impossible. I was in Jan’s car. Had someone played some horrendous trick on me? Of this I was not at all sure. I could not remember anything clearly up to this moment.
I decided I must get up and look for a way back, but back to where. Should I look for Jan? Was she too lost in this wood? I did not know the answers but I could not just sit and do nothing. So I stood and looked about me. I surveyed my surroundings and found that I was upon what appeared to be a thin but walkable stone pebble pathway. Only which way should I follow it?
For long moments I stood and looked back and forth, not knowing which way to go. Unable to make any firm decision and getting more and more concerned, I finally decided that any decision had to be better than no decision at all. The sun was well on its way to noon but still at a tilt enough for me to determine that the path went both East and West. Without any firm reasoning I decided to go East and began walking.
The birch trees seemed to go on forever. The woods were peaceful and seemed to help calm even my frazzled nerves. Around me the birds were singing remarkable melodies and off in the distance I could hear morning doves calling out to one another.
As the sun grew higher in the sky the day became hotter and I found myself walking slower. Then as if by magic a lovely cooling breeze began blowing through the trees and I was thankful.
I walked for hours, but you would not have known it to look about as the scene did not seem to change. I however could tell it had been a long time because I was growing tired. My feet were beginning to ache and my stomach was growling.
Occasionally I would see a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye but whatever it was always disappeared by the time I turned to look. And always the enormous birch trees in every direction. Just as I was about to give up hope I heard the most lovely sound. It began as a small gurgle and slowly as I walked toward it started sounding louder and stronger. I hoped this was water because my mouth was as dry as a desert.
Finally, the scene changed. I found myself still firmly inside the woods and still surrounded by birch trees, but ahead of me I saw a stream and a bridge and a single weeping willow tree.
Judging from the height of the sun in the sky, I realized it must be well after and I badlyneeded to rest for a while. This tall, elegant weeping willow looked like the perfect spot to do just that. I walked along the path until I reached the bridge. I stepped off the pebble path onto the softest green grass.
First I went to the stream and scooped water with my hands to drink. It was sweet and cool. I drank several swallows and then walked to the tree. I seated myself back to the tree and watched the little stream flow over the rocks. After a few minutes I closed my eyes and just listened to the gurgling waters for a while.
A peace settled over me as I sat there. It was as if the whole world had come to a halt except for that little stream. I sat there for a long time just relaxing and feeling the world. Suddenly, I felt as if I was no longer alone. I opened my eyes to see a woman in a long flowing dress and with dark black hair longer than I have ever seen flowing loosely behind her crossing the bridge and walking toward me. She was a sight to behold. She almost seemed to be surrounded by her own light, although I was certain it was a trick of the sunlight reflecting from the water.
I stood to greet her and hoped that she could direct me back to the main road so that I could find my way home, and at the same time I was sad that I may soon be leaving this wondrous place and hoped that someday I could find my way back to it.
She smiled at me as I stood and the world seemed to stand still. I was in awe of this strange and magnificent woman. I reached out my hand in greeting. She grasped my hand in return but then pulled me to her and hugged me. The hug was warm and loving. I was taken aback but I returned the gesture and felt surprisingly comfortable in doing so.
After a moment our embrace ended and she began to speak to me. Her voice was like the song of a thousand birds singing in harmony. At first I was so entranced by the voice itself that the words did not register. Then suddenly I realized what she was saying and I trembled.
She clasped my hands in hers and spoke again, “Allesia, do not fear. Your body is asleep in your bed, but I am not a dream. I am the higher power that you call Goddess. You called to me and I have listened. You needed me and so I have brought you here to my realm. Walk with me.”
At this point I think I went through a panic attack. I jerked my hands away and looked around. At first I thought I must be crazy, then I thought this woman might be crazy. Then I thought that maybe I really was just dreaming and if this was a dream what a pleasant one it was so why ruin it. I think now of course that she knew what I was thinking and simply allowed me the time I needed to adjust. Accepting finally that this was some sort of odd dream, but a nice one, I decided to let it play out.
I asked her what I should call her, for I know many names for the Goddesses and Gods. She simply said, “Choose whatever you are comfortable with.” Again, this gave me pause for thought but it was my dream after all and I love the idea of the Goddess Diana. Before I even spoke it she said “then Diana it is.”
She took my hand again and asked me to walk with her. We walked away from the tree under which I had sat and walked up onto the bridge that crossed the stream. There we stopped for a moment and Diana handed me three pebbles.
Diana said, “Your subconscious has called me here to you because you are in pain. I am here to help you release what is not needed.”
“Pain?” I asked, confused by the idea. I had just come from a very nice solstice celebration where I had been quite happy. “Why would you say that?”
She smiled at me and put a hand on my shoulder. “Your pain is hidden deep within you. You have not dealt with these things but must if your life is to continue down the path you hope for. Think hard my child. Look into the past and find that which you have not dealt with.”
I thought carefully about what she was saying. I looked deep into my life and my past. It didn’t take long to realize what she meant. So many times I had loved and been deeply hurt. My abusive father and later my abusive spouse were both issues I had simply tried to push out of my mind. I never let go of what they had done to me. They both made me feel like I did not deserve to live. They made me feel unworthy of love and happiness. I had spent the last few years keeping every man I met at a distance.
“That’s right child. You must let the pain of the past go along with your worries and fears for the future if you are to move forward.” She said.
She said the pebbles in my hand represented my fear, worry and sadness. She asked me
to think about the things that cause me the greatest fears and then drop one pebble into the stream and release it.
I thought for a long time. I fear a lot of things and at first could not decide what caused me the greatest fear. Finally, I decided that my greatest fear was that I was not good enough and did not deserve good things to happen to me. I looked at the pebble and then quietly let it drop into the flowing water below. It felt good to drop the pebble and I decided to allow it to honestly release that fear. She smiled as if she knew all the thoughts that had gone through my mind.
Now she asked me to think about the thing that has been causing me the greatest amount of worry in my life and repeat the process. Again I thought for a long time, because I tend to worry about everything. Finally, I decided that my greatest worry was that I would not make a great difference in the world. I worried that I could not touch people’s lives the way I wanted to because I was not strong enough or good enough. Again, I looked at the pebble and let it drop into the water below. Again it felt good. This time though I felt a great surge of energy, like love and strength overpowering my fears and worries.
With one last pebble still in my grasp, Diana clasped her hands over mine and asked me to think about the sadness in my life. She told me not to consider only the worst one but all the things that have been making me feel so sad. This time she did something different though. She asked me to focus all those sadness into the remaining pebble and hand it to her. I thought of all the sadness and pain that my father and my ex had caused me. I thought too of all the sadness that I had caused myself because of my own fears. I focused it all into the little stone.
With her hands still around mine, I simply released the stone and as it fell she grasped the stone and released my hands. She put the stone to her lips and kissed all my pain and sadness. She then dropped the stone for me.
As the stream swallowed up the little stone a great rainbow came up from out of the water and leapt over us. Diana reached into the rainbow and brought out a teardrop shaped jewel. She handed it to me and told me to keep it close. She said it was a gift from her so that I would never forget what I had done this night and that I would have the tear she cried for me with me always.
I took the gift and felt such love emanating from it. I closed my eyes for a moment to simply bask in the warmth of the love I felt. In that moment that I closed my eyes it felt like the world was falling out from under me. I heard Diana telling me she loved me and that the Gods were always with me. Her words began to fade but I could still understand her with feeling alone. The warmth of love grew stronger. I could not open my eyes for a long time. When I finally did, I found myself at home in my bed. I was so sad to have the dream gone, as many times we are when we wake. Then I felt something in my hand. I looked and found that I was clutching a teardrop shaped gem. Tears of joy and hope filled my eyes and the sun arose on a brand new day.
I lay in bed for long minutes, thinking about and reflecting on this dream or vision and on the gifts that I was given. I stared at the teardrop and noticed a hole through the pointed end. I went to my jewelry box and got a chain, then I put my new necklace on to keep the blessings close to me, always.
Strength is often no more than doing what has to be done to continue moving forward even when things seem impossible.
And the reality is that we ALL go through times that are not easy. We have all experienced something that could easily stop us in our tracks if we let it. In those moments we have a choice to make. We don’t even realize that we ARE making a choice. We could choose to fall apart and remain in the fog, remain in the muck and mire. We could choose to wallow in the moment and never really leave it. The other option is to choose life. It is to choose moving forward.
I think the hardest thing about living in pain every single day is learning your own limitations. Doing too much in a given day will make your symptoms worse, but we all crave to live a normal life.
Slowly over a few years I began to develop a new me. I learned my limitations and lived within them. I made choices about how much I could do in a day and what I would include in that. There was a lot I could still do. I could still do everything I enjoyed and needed to do, just not all in the same day. So I learned to prioritize and schedule better.
Life with Fibromyalgia is a constant adjustment. You might start out in a very bad place but then find your balance and realize it’s not so bad. You might start out not so bad and then get worse over time. You might be one of the lucky ones to is pretty mild and remains that way.
How I must look to a stranger, with my jaw popping around all the time, with my tiny frame held up by my cane or sitting in a riding cart at the store. What they must think when they see me, or talk to me and my jaw is floating back and forth or I’m stretching it because it hurts so.
But in these early morning hours my mind wanders as my body does it’s routine. I look at myself and even I wonder how I ended up this way. I wonder why I was given such a burden to carry and if I ever might get even some relief or if it will only get worse over time as it seems to have been doing since I was diagnosed at 26. And now at 40 the fibromyalgia and all it’s accompanying ailments sometimes make me feel like I’m 80.
and accept my popping and cracking. Relief would be nice and certainly appreciated but even if it never really comes, I will continue to live my life the best I can. I will continue to move forward, even when it hurts. I will continue to be who I am and the rest I will live with. When you don’t have a choice about your pain, you still have a choice about your attitude.