Own It!

Posted on October 28, 2011 by Tracy Seekins

How I must look to a stranger, with my jaw popping around all the time, with my tiny frame held up by my cane or sitting in a riding cart at the store. What they must think when they see me, or talk to me and my jaw is floating back and forth or I’m stretching it because it hurts so.

What people must think of me when my body pops and cracks as I move, as I stand from the cart to get something and a gunshot comes from my knee that echoes across the store. What they must wonder when I sound like bubble wrap as I move.

It occurred to me, as I sat in the early hours of dawn this morning, that people who do not know me, who do not know my diagnosis, must think I look strange when the see me. As my jaw pops and cracks this morning and does its typical floating painfully back and forth. I began to look at myself from the eyes of a stranger. I wondered what it must be like to interact with me when suddenly my jaw takes on a life of its own, the TMJ I suffer from simply doing its normal routine as I try to live my life.

Further I began to think about the times that I pop and crack in public. Here at home when I send off a loud pop from a knee or my neck, my husband and I laugh or make some joke. I wonder what people think when I am out and it happens. Or when suddenly I sound like bubble wrap and my whole body simply pops and snaps as I move.

I have actually often wondered what people think about the 90 pound woman riding around in a drivable buggy at the market. I can’t walk all that time that it takes to shop without seriously detracting from the rest of my day and possibly the next, so I have resigned myself to its use. But I look relatively young and I’m so tiny. It has to make a stranger wonder a bit.

Not that I care so much what others think. I have to live my life and honestly people are going to think what they want no matter what I do. I know my limits and I try to live by them. I know my capabilities and I embrace them.

But in these early morning hours my mind wanders as my body does it’s routine. I look at myself and even I wonder how I ended up this way. I wonder why I was given such a burden to carry and if I ever might get even some relief or if it will only get worse over time as it seems to have been doing since I was diagnosed at 26. And now at 40 the fibromyalgia and all it’s accompanying ailments sometimes make me feel like I’m 80.

And then I remember who I am! I am not my body. I am not my pain. I am just ME. I own and accept the burden I was given with this body that is in such a painful condition. I own and accept my popping and cracking. Relief would be nice and certainly appreciated but even if it never really comes, I will continue to live my life the best I can. I will continue to move forward, even when it hurts. I will continue to be who I am and the rest I will live with. When you don’t have a choice about your pain, you still have a choice about your attitude.