The Road to Forever

Posted on August 19, 2011 by Tracy Seekins

Being married for 20 years, people often ask me what’s the secret. I have many answers and you may get any of them depending on the day and my mood, but recently I’ve been thinking more and more about the true nature of a long long-term relationship and I was motivated and moved to write a bit about it.

I’d have to say there are several factors involved in remaining in a relationship so long. Leaving aside that my husband and I have known each other our whole lives and were friends to begin with, I believe that friendship is among those factors and is important to develop. For if you do not think first of your mate as your friend then there is often a lapse in the respect levels you offer one another.

I think being a friend to each other is extremely important when getting through rough spots, and we all have rough spots. One tool John and I used to use was this. When we were arguing or needed to have a serious conversation that could lead to an argument we would often stop and say “honey, I need us to just be friends right now so that I can discuss this with you openly”. Most of the time that worked very well for us.

Another factor of remaining in a long long-term relationship is commitment. I know you might think this sounds like common sense, but really I think people often take this for granted and then do not give it the importance it deserves.

When I went into this relationship I decided right from the beginning that this was it for me and he did too. Commitment via vows or promises to each other is one step but you have to make that commitment to yourself and to your future as well. This is where it helps to be both patient and stubborn.

There will be times when your relationship feels like a failure or feels too hard. Those are the important moments. Most times these are simply growing pains and if you are patient and a little stubborn then you will get past them together and be better for it.

Here is where the next factor comes in. That one is Communication! I cannot say that one is more important than the others but Communication is certainly a big one. Being friends helps with the communicating but it’s not everything. Love helps with the patience, but it’s not everything.

Some of the communication issues you will have initially are misunderstandings. I can’t tell you how many times John would be joking with me about something and I didn’t understand the dry humor or the sarcasm and got hurt and offended. I would then begin to cry and he would get upset because I misunderstood him. It took years before we worked out what the other person meant all the time or knew instinctively that certain things were simply going to upset the other and best to either say them differently or not at all.

So this takes practice and being aware of your spouse and yourself. Watch how your words affect your significant other. See if different words are helpful in different situations to learn the best way to communicate with one another.

Remember that doing anything well takes practice and in practice there will always be mistakes as well as accomplishment. In those moments of mistake by either yourself or your partner keep in mind that it is just a mistake. Allow the love within you to provide forgiveness for both parties. One wonderful tool for getting past those mis-steps is to bring a picture into your mind and heart of a recent accomplishment or good moment. Something you or your partner did right or wonderfully. This will allow you to bring a warm feeling of love back into a difficult moment and help you to get past it.

As well, one thing that I find is often difficult for people in a loving relationship is to say “I’m Sorry”. I don’t know why this is so hard to do with those we love and often not so hard with those we simply are friends with but it can be. These words when said with true understanding and conviction can make all the difference in the world. It can change a bad day into a good week. Saying them just for the sake of saying them will be seen and understood as empty and meaningless by the recipient, but saying them with the understanding that there was a wrong done or at least percieved and with the true feeling that you wish the other to forgive and not feel so hurt can change night to day.

These are some of the base factors in keeping a long-term relationship going for the long haul, but there are many more. And certainly these are ones that need to be worked at right from the beginning. As you grow together both you and the relationship change and therefore the needs of you, your partner and your relationship will change as well.
I’m leaving this with you as a beginning. However I hope to write future articles that address both the needs of the beginning and the growing relationship further.

So as I end this I will remind you that we are all only human and that even in a loving relationship mistakes can be made. Friendship, Commitment, Communication, Forgiveness, Patience and those little words “I’m Sorry” can go a long way to keeping you on the road to forever.