After Effects of a Broken Family

The After Effects in a Broken Family

Posted on April 11, 2011 by Tracy Seekins

Let me preface this by letting you know that this was originally a comment, but I felt it needed to be more.

It’s been 11 years now. And each of still struggles in our own way and at different times.

Keep in mind that these rememberings are written with the best of intention but may not be perfectly accurate. The day itself faded to grey as grief ripped through our family. Tonight, My husband, myself, and our youngest son (Johnny), sat down to discuss our rememberings of the events of that day. We each had small variances. Each of us admitted that we blame only ourselves and shared the reasons why.

All of this sharing was the first time in a very long time. It was spurred on by a very upsetting note I got from my older son. His remembrances from that day are not the same as any of the rest of us. Once again there are similarities but where we blame ourselves, he has clearly turned his anger outward toward his father and I.

While we are trying to survive and share with others, he wants to blame and hate. I am so saddened by this, but, as I stated in the first article, some of us are still suffering the brokenness that began that day.

I spent a long time blaming myself. And I do still take responsibility for my part in both her being gone and in the terrible damage my older son has suffered. I wish now I had left him in counseling even against his wishes. I wish now I had forced him back into counseling when I knew things were getting out of hand.

But wishing and what ifs will never change a thing. I can only move forward from the point where I am at. And I am trying to do just that.

The small variances in memory matter very little. Maybe Johnny said what I remember, maybe he said what Kyle remembers, maybe it was some combination of what we all remember. But the words don’t matter. The mangled memories of that day, don’t matter. What matters is she is gone. What matters is how WE move forward and carry ourselves within the lives we have left.

Ashley was amazing. And to me. That’s what matters.