I'm Learning

I'm learning. Learning to let go. Learning to worry about me as much as if not more than others. I used to give a million chances and excuses for the behaviour of others but I'm learning that there has to be a limit to what I take. I'm learning.

I know everyone has a bad day. I know everyone has difficult moments. I have already learned that I cannot expect from others the behaviour I expect from myself. I logically know that I cannot expect the behaviour from others to match what I expect from myself, but I often get dissappointed anyway because in my heart I still have that hope I guess.

 I've gotten to a point now where at least when it happens I don't get angry anymore. I know it's my own fault for having unrealistic expectations. I'm learning to let those expections go. Sadly, at least for me, I am learning if I must have expectations they have to be a whole lot lower.

Logically I know having expectations is a mistake to begin with but I think we all have expectations of our lives, our friends, the people around us. It is a natural part of us even if we do not readily recognize it.

I'm learning. I'm learning to let go of the responsibility I feel for the world. I can only be responsible for ME. And though logically I have always known that, I know I take far too much on sometimes.

Even though I KNOW these things it's still a lesson I'm learning because I have to learn how to worry about me more than others. I have to learn to let go when my instincts tell me to hang on. I have to learn to accept that another's behaviour doesn't say something about me, it says something about them. And I have to learn that I have limited responisibilities in ALL that I do and stick to what's mine.

I'm getting there every day and talking to amazing people that I have in my life helps me remember these things and think them through before I react to something that I shouldn't even be worrying about.

Picture for a Crazy good friend!

Dreams Of an Unreal Past

Dreams Of An Unreal Past

 Last night was not reality

Dreams often are not true

The past was different in my mind

These dreams I had of you

The kindness that you gave to me

In this land of wishful things

Was all that I had hoped for

The child within could sing

That shy and frightened little girl

She vanished in this dream

Replaced by confidence and hope

And no more silent screams

This bookish, awkward, little twig

Walked with head held high

No pointing laughing unkind words

At her when she walked by

But in this oddish dream time

She grew not into me

I missed the person that I am

The person I must be

So, though I can never thank you

For the painful memories

I am grateful that who you were

Made me into me

Do you know?

Do You Know

Oh so young, Just kids were we

That time of youth

Wild and free?

Not me!

I was afriaid, I was so shy

Feelings bottled in

You never knew why

I would sit and cry

I loved you so, my cherished friend

My foolish crush

Made it end

On you I did depend

Every day after school you would vist me

Then one day I hurt you

And then so suddenly

There was no we

30 years have gone by and I regret this even now

I think of you, do you even know

That you were important 

And loved

Somehow?

This Love Remains

This Love Remains

You are in my mind today

And I miss your face

You were in my dreams

I miss your arms embrace

I see your smile

In my mind’s eye

And a happy tear

It makes me cry

Though far from me

You are always near

This place in my heart

Is just for you dear

Know that my love

Is eternal for you

No matter the distance

That love remains true

By Tracy Seekins

Sick and Tired

Have you ever had the flu so bad or for so long that you just didn’t know how you could go on like that? Have you ever been so sick that the thought of living one more day in that condition just felt impossible? Have you ever felt so exhausted that it felt like you might never feel rested enough again?

Imagine feeling like that most of the time. Imagine this lasting for months at at time. Imagine that your good days are those short periods of time when everything is just somewhat ok and your bad days not only out number them but are beyond bad into the miserable.

Now imagine trying to explain this to anyone who has not had to live with these types of symptoms or ailments.

For instance, I know my husband loves me and understands as much as someone who hasnot lived with this can understand. I know he tries to be there for me and he does an amazing job. However, I don’t have a way to explain to him how hard it is for me to be so exhausted that I can’t even spend time with him. I don’t have a way to explain to him that I’m in so much pain and so miserable that most days I have a hard time figuring out how to keep moving forward into the next day. He understands for the most part but there is so much of this I cannot even put into words and when I try I can see the confusion on his face.

You might be someone with chronic illness and totally relate to this. You might be someone who knows someone with chronic illness and you try so hard to relate to them. Or, you might be like a few I know who have chronic illness and because you haven’t reached this point yet you don’t understand and you think anyone who’s where I’m at has given up. I haven’t. I don’t plan to. But I promise that there are a LOT of moments that are not easy and I am so tired of being tired, in pain, and miserable.