Much of what we do is not always about our illness but it can be influenced by it. The disease becomes so much a part of us that it seems to seep into almost everything we do, say, and think without permission or sometimes even our knowledge.
Sometimes we ignore it or fight it and go forth as best we can. Sometimes in what seems like a never ending struggle we win and sometimes it wins. There are moments in time, be they short lived or long lasting where we break down and lose our way and our will to the invisible monster that seems to have a strangle hold on our lives. Then there are moments where we rise above it and find the strength to get through yet another day.
Recently I've been talking much about fear and how it can sneak in and take hold of our lives. How it can influence our decisions and actions and words without us realizing that is what is happening.
Chronic illness can create fear or feed it. Living with pain, illness, mental unhealth can be frightening. The fear that we might cause ourselves more pain can keep us from trying things. The fear of failure can keep us from making the attempt. The fear of what others might think often keeps us from wanting to put ourselves out there in that vulnerable position.
Some people might see us as being weak for not making the effort or attempt. Sometimes people do not see the efforts and attempts we make every single day. That too leaves us with fear and sadness. It is a kind of pain that medical science does not recognize because you can't test for it. There is not medical test that can show it. And so the fear feeds itself because then we ourselves begin to fear that we are wrong, weak, not good enough, or bad in some way.
I often write my articles for both those who suffer and those who love us but today this is simply for those who are struggling. You are strong and you are not bad. There is nothing wrong with who you are. Your body is not YOU it is simply the vessel you are within. Our Vessels might be failing us but that does not mean that we ourselves are failing.
Personally I have my good days and bad ones just like everyone else in the world does. My bad days are sometimes bad weeks or months but so are my good ones. And even when I am in pain or sick or afraid, I can find a way to share a part of myself and I try to use what I am experiencing to help others understand or be alright with themselves.
Those of us with chronic illness, whether it be physical or mental, are not less than anyone else. We are strong. We survive a lifetime of what others might not think they could survive a day of if they experienced it. We continue forward while the arms of a monster reach for us constantly. Every single day that you make it through is not only a gift but it is a miracle that YOU created, YOU fought for, YOU chose. That is true strength.
Today I slept very late. I disappointed my husband because he had something important he wanted to do but he knows how sick I've been and chose to let me sleep as long as my body felt the need to. I woke up feeling refreshed and inspired and happy for the first time in weeks. Then I looked at his face and saw the sadness there. He too lives every day with chronic illness and today he woke feeling inspired and like he could accomplish just one thing. So I got up, got dressed and said 'ok let's go get this done', even though really I just wanted to write. A smile crept across his face and his eyes lit up.
I knew going out risked my feeling of refreshment, because riding in the car is a miserable experience for me right now with my arthritis. I knew also that he needed today more than even he realized, so I made a choice. I faced the monster who's arms were awaiting me if I got into that car and said too bad buddy because I know what it's like to just need one thing, one accomplishment, one gesture, one person who understands and I knew that was what my husband needed just for today.
That is strength. How often do you put someone else first and ignore or fight through your illness for them? I'd bet it's pretty often. I'd also bet they so often don't realize what you are doing is not easy because for them it might not be so difficult. But it doesn't matter, YOU know your strength. And that IS strength.
Those of us who live with chronic illness struggle every day, sometimes just in getting out of bed or up off our couch or chair. Some people take care of a family even though pain ravages the body. Some people go to events or gatherings even though we know that tomorrow we will pay for it. We challenge ourselves every day. And in those moments where the challenge becomes too much and we feel lost or we lose hope or we feel like we are giving up, remember that we are simply replenishing ourselves for the next round. It's ok to take some time to rest and mend your body and mind.I just spent 3 months in a long dark depression. The pain had gotten so bad that I didn't care if I lived anymore. I actually wished that my disease was terminal instead of chronic because at least then it would be over at some point. Then one day I woke up and realized that even with all the pain I was still here, still moving forward, and still able to find meaning in my life. The sadness was lifting, even if the pain wasn't. We all have these moments of being lost in the dark with the monsters at the door, but then a door we never noticed cracks open and we find the strength to walk through it.
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