Who am I?

Who am I?
Does everyone ask themself this question at some point in their lives?

The first time I ever uttered this question, I was just a 10 year old girl, standing in my mother's kitchen and I asked the question to a very confused mom who had not much idea what I really meant. I don't think I've ever stopped asking.

I look back on myself as a younger person and I see a scared little girl who just wanted to fit it. I didn't really care who I was because I just wanted to be someone that others would love or at least like. I felt like the world hated me. I felt lost and alone. I know now that I never really was but it took a lot of years to learn that important fact.

I remember thinking I wasn't important enough or good enough. I even remember simply thinking I was nobody and the occasion when I wished I was nobody. That voice in my head wasn't my truest self, it was fear. Fear is not a place to live, it is supposed to warn us when danger is near, but sometimes fear gets a hold of us and then it takes over. It lies to us and believes that in these lies it protects us somehow. Fear is not truth and we often fear that the truth will be worse but it never is. Fight past the fear and find the beauty that is beneath the unkindness and cruelty that fear believes is protection.

Now I could say that I'm a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a writer, a dreamer, but those are not WHO I am. Those are what I am. They are simply labels to describe different things I do or roles I play but they are not at the heart of WHO I am.

I could say I am kind and caring, feirce and stubborn. Again more whats and labels. I could say I'm sick and frightened. I could say I'm a sufferer of pain from some really scary invisible illnesses. But those are not WHO I am.

Who I am cannot be defined with labels. Who I am is shown by actions and words. Sometimes I make mistakes, just like we all do, but that just makes me human. Mistakes are not WHO I am they are simply a part of this insane human adventure I am currently on. It is how we deal with our own mistakes, personal difficulties and struggles that show who we are. In those moments we can choose to be the best self even in adversity or we can choose another darker path entirely. Who we are is shown in the little things we do. It is shown in the love we share and the forgiveness we give and in the strength of our own choices.

Who am I? Can I really know that? Can I define it or describe it? I don't think so. Can others tell me who I am? Not really. Others can see parts of me or even know me somewhat well but they can only tell me who I am to them. The who is in the eye of the beholder. And yet it does not matter what any other eye sees but our own. Only we can truly see into our own hearts and make a choice about who we want to show the world. Only we can see our own true beauty and grace and when we see it and choose to believe it, others will as well.

I've tried to be so many people in my life. I've tried 'fitting in', standing out, being the outcast, and so many other roles that didn't really fit.

So who am I? I am no different than any other soul wandering through this existance. I am simply a person trying to live my life as best I can.

I believe that in order to be our best selves we have to look within. We have to accept our mistakes and misteps and take responsibility for them and for our own selves. We have to ask ourselves each day that question of who we are and is it who we want to be.

Do I believe that we are the same person every day? No. I believe every day we are given the beautiful gift of choosing who we want to be and only we can make that happen. Only the eye turned within can see the love and beauty that so many of us have buried for whatever reason. I believe that the choice is always our own.

So I ask you today, who are you? Is it who you want to be? Are you being your authentic you? What do YOU think makes you special or beautiful or lovable? It's there! I promise. You just have to find it and you have to find the strength to believe in yourself. Believe you can be that person you want to be. You can be that person you feel you truly are somewhere deep inside. The choice is yours.