The Everyday Struggle

Every day I talk to people who suffer from different forms of chronic illness. Many of them have fibromyalgia, but many suffer from other things as well.

One of the most common feelings that we all deal with is the feeling of not being understood by anyone and a feeling of being alone in our struggle. I'm here to tell you that you are not alone. We might all struggle through different symptoms and pains but we all struggle with the same emotions and difficulties that these illnesses bring along with them. We all simply desire someone to understand us. We all hope to have someone to support us on days that we don't feel like we can keep going on our own. We want a normal life or at least to be treated like life is normal.

Every day is a challenge when you have chronic illness. Each morning you awake not knowing how your day will be, what new pain might hit, whether you might get by with a pain free day, or whether you might not even be able to get up out of bed. Some days things get so bad it feels like it isn't even worth the fight, but then other days are a nice surprise and you might even feel somewhat normal. We live for those moments of normalcy. We crave those moments of life.

Some of us are lucky to have amazing support systems. People in our lives who try very hard to understand and be there for us. People who say the right thing or do the right thing when life is going awry. But even with a good support person or people, some days it is so hard to keep going forward. Sometimes it is so hard to even tell those people how bad it really is for us. There are some things that cannot be said to someone who doesn't suffer with our illness. There are some things that cannot be understood by someone who is not in the same situation. It is in those moments that I write. I share with all of you my deepest feelings and sometimes the things I cannot say to people who don't have this illness because I hope that in my sharing you will find something that is within you as well. I hope you will realize that you are not alone.

Even with all my openness and faith in my readers, there are still things I cannot bring myself to say in my public writings. For those things I keep a journal. I think keeping a journal is of vital importance. It allows you to get out those thoughts and emotions that eat at the corners of your mind. Sometimes there are thoughts that cross one's mind that should not be shared because you probably don't mean them but they would concern anyone who heard you. Venting is healthy but often misunderstood. A journal solves the problem. You can get the thoughts out there but not cause concern to others. Often times journaling helps me get past my darkest moments and back onto a path of life and happiness.

Speaking of happiness, I am fully aware that living a life engulfed in pain is not always conducive to living a life of happiness. It can be difficult to feel positive about life or even moments when pain is ever present. It can be frustrating to feel as if you are stopped at every turn by a new or increasing pain in your body. Some days it may feel as if there is no hope and without hope it can be near impossible to find your path to happiness.

For the last many months, I myself have been in a deep dark depression. It's not the first time this has happened. When you live a life with chronic pain, it can be a challenge to remain positive. I don't think anyone could be expected to be happy all the time with these types of illnesses.

My worst depressions have always come when the pain gets worse and I feel my life is somehow interrupted. When I first became ill I had to stop working, I had to learn my limitations and how to live within them. I had to learn how to live with constant pain. That took me years. Finally I felt I had truly begun to live somewhat of a normal life. I knew my limits and lived within them.

Then thing worsened. I developed new pains. I was diagnosed with arthritis and other illnesses on top of my fibromyalgia. Once again my life was interrupted by pain. I tried to keep going but the pain became so bad that it kept me from being able to so much. As the pain interrupted my life, the depression set in and worsened. The darkness overtook me. I honestly didn't know what to do anymore.

I finally got so bad that I basically had only 2 choices. I could give up on life entirely or I could get mad a fight. I chose to fight for my life. I decided that I would have to learn to ignore all but the worst pain and live! That's all it took to start my climb up out of the dark. Making the choice to live allowed me to see the light once again. And even though I still have moments of intense pain, even though I have dark moments of sadness, even though some things still infuriate me about this illness, I am managing to remember how to live. I am crawling up out of the hole I had fallen into. I realize I am not alone and that I don't have any right to give up.

So I live with daily pain in my back. I live with daily migraines that I fight like crazy. I live with disappointment in myself for not being able to do the things I want to some days. Sometimes I do things I want to even when my body says I shouldn't just because if I don't the emotional fallout is worse than the physical pain.

Every day is a struggle for me. Every day is  painful in ways that most people cannot even imagine dealing with. Every day I hurt and cry and even fear, but I keep going anyway. I keep going because I am not alone! I keep going because, even with all the pain I suffer with, I know that life is worth it in the long run. I exercise and push myself a little more every day. Someday I'll find a level ground, a place where life feels somewhat normal for me. Until that day I just keep finding reasons to be happy. Little things that make me smile or give me a small feeling of joy. It's those little things that can make a world of difference and I'm ever so thankful that there is always something.