Living with Chronic Illness

When you first become ‘disabled’ it is a difficult adjustment. Learning your limits, knowing what you can and cannot do or eat or tolerate. Accepting that life has changed in some significant way.

Eventually you accept your ‘new’ life and you move forward. You learn new things to do and new ways to live. As time goes by you adjust to this new level of normal and it becomes easy to continue living. It becomes the norm. It becomes just your everyday life and eventually you don’t even think about your limitations because it is so natural to avoid them.

Then one day your illness or condition worsens or develops into something more severe and it starts all over.

In my case I’ve developed severe arthritis in my back and neck. It causes migraines on a daily basis. I can’t sleep in my own bed because of the severe discomfort. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. And because of this developing after years of my ‘new norm’ I am now going through massive depression.

I feel like I’ve become so useless and difficult to be around. I can’t get up and do things like I used to and when I do it exhausts me and leaves me in a massive amount of pain. I know my poor husband feels neglected, though he tries so hard not to let me see it because he knows the pain I am in.

My positive attitude has plummeted into oblivion and being around happy positive people does not make it better, in fact often it makes me bitter.

In the grand scheme of things I know this is nothing but a bump in the road, one I will get over and past as soon as I’m able, but I cannot begin to explain how it feels. I cannot explain to you how useless and sad it makes me feel. I cannot put into words how the pain in my body translates to pain in my very spirit.

And often times talking to others with the same issues is just as damaging as it can be helpful. Everyone wants to help, which is sweet, but they all think they know the ‘key’ to what will fix you because it worked for them or it worked for a friend. How do you explain to someone that no two people are alike. Sometimes what works for one person does not in fact work for another.

I can’t argue with people anymore because they mean well and I feel bad trying to explain that I did this or did that but it didn’t work for me or doesn’t work in this case. Sometimes I feel them thinking or they will even outright say that I’m just not trying hard enough. I want to scream but it won’t do any good.

I finally gave in and let the doctors have their way. I went to dozens of specialists and had so many tests. Yet nothing. It’s just arthritis causing me all this grief and the only thing they can do is try to help me manage the pain. However, I can’t take heavy duty pain meds due to my weight so even that is limited.

So here I sit every day, trying to manage my pain the best I can with the tools I have the the limited abilities that I currently have. Here I sit feeling useless and depressed, praying to get over this bump and get back to being me. But in reality I have to first come to terms with and accept the ‘new’ me first and then I can work on the person again. Right now I have to find a way to get through my days physically and then emotionally before I can worry about my personality.

Forgive me if some days I’m whiny or complaining. I’m simply tired and beat down at the moment. Forgive me if I’m not that positive light at the moment, for I am simply in pain in all aspects of my self. Remember who I truly am and will be again and just be patient while I find my way through the physical pain that has been added to me and that I am realizing might be a part of me. Sometimes accepting what you have been dealt can be a huge help in living your life with joy. I was there and once I accept this new stuff I will be again. Acceptance doesn’t mean I give up or that I’m not going to try to find ways to alleviate the pain and illness but without acceptance I cannot even get there.