You’d Be 20

Your birthday is approaching, but you knew that. I had almost forgotten but then I realized it today. My mood is always darker and more difficult around this time. Sometimes I don’t even have to know the time is coming, the mood strikes and I try to figure out why and then I realize.

You’d be 20 this year. Questions fly through my mind like a whirlwind of pain and confusion. What would you be like? What would your boyfriend or girlfriend be like? Would you be going to college? Would all our lives be drastically different?

I miss you with every piece of me. Sometimes I think of your laugh or your smile and it fills me with love and joy. Sometimes the gift of knowing you at all is enough. And then other times I am filled with a pain that is indescribable. There is a hole left in me, an emptiness that simply cannot be explained to someone who has not lost a child.

Our lives are better just because you were in them even for a short time, but you’d be 20 this year and somehow I feel so very robbed by not being able to share that with you.

I WON'T Pretend

I won't pretend. 

You get what you see. 

Some days I really am just that happy 

and other days I'm really struggling more than words can express. 

I won't pretend. 

At least you know I'm honest. 

At least you know what you are getting. 

I always love you. 

And if you are my friend 

I will protect you and defend you fiercely. 

I don't expect any more from you than I'm willing to give. 

I won't pretend! 

Some days I'll let you know I'm in a bitchy mood 

and probably not good company

but it doesn't mean I don't love you 

just that I don't want to hurt you with words I don't mean. 

The pain in my body sometimes makes me a monster

but I'm aware of it most of the time. 

I won't pretend. I won't! 

If I'm not in a good mood you'll know, 

I don't pretend to be happy when I'm not 

or depressed just for attention. 

I don't want things to be this way but they just are 

so you get what you see. 

and 

I won't pretend for anyone! 

Living with Chronic Illness

When you first become ‘disabled’ it is a difficult adjustment. Learning your limits, knowing what you can and cannot do or eat or tolerate. Accepting that life has changed in some significant way.

Eventually you accept your ‘new’ life and you move forward. You learn new things to do and new ways to live. As time goes by you adjust to this new level of normal and it becomes easy to continue living. It becomes the norm. It becomes just your everyday life and eventually you don’t even think about your limitations because it is so natural to avoid them.

Then one day your illness or condition worsens or develops into something more severe and it starts all over.

In my case I’ve developed severe arthritis in my back and neck. It causes migraines on a daily basis. I can’t sleep in my own bed because of the severe discomfort. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. And because of this developing after years of my ‘new norm’ I am now going through massive depression.

I feel like I’ve become so useless and difficult to be around. I can’t get up and do things like I used to and when I do it exhausts me and leaves me in a massive amount of pain. I know my poor husband feels neglected, though he tries so hard not to let me see it because he knows the pain I am in.

My positive attitude has plummeted into oblivion and being around happy positive people does not make it better, in fact often it makes me bitter.

In the grand scheme of things I know this is nothing but a bump in the road, one I will get over and past as soon as I’m able, but I cannot begin to explain how it feels. I cannot explain to you how useless and sad it makes me feel. I cannot put into words how the pain in my body translates to pain in my very spirit.

And often times talking to others with the same issues is just as damaging as it can be helpful. Everyone wants to help, which is sweet, but they all think they know the ‘key’ to what will fix you because it worked for them or it worked for a friend. How do you explain to someone that no two people are alike. Sometimes what works for one person does not in fact work for another.

I can’t argue with people anymore because they mean well and I feel bad trying to explain that I did this or did that but it didn’t work for me or doesn’t work in this case. Sometimes I feel them thinking or they will even outright say that I’m just not trying hard enough. I want to scream but it won’t do any good.

I finally gave in and let the doctors have their way. I went to dozens of specialists and had so many tests. Yet nothing. It’s just arthritis causing me all this grief and the only thing they can do is try to help me manage the pain. However, I can’t take heavy duty pain meds due to my weight so even that is limited.

So here I sit every day, trying to manage my pain the best I can with the tools I have the the limited abilities that I currently have. Here I sit feeling useless and depressed, praying to get over this bump and get back to being me. But in reality I have to first come to terms with and accept the ‘new’ me first and then I can work on the person again. Right now I have to find a way to get through my days physically and then emotionally before I can worry about my personality.

Forgive me if some days I’m whiny or complaining. I’m simply tired and beat down at the moment. Forgive me if I’m not that positive light at the moment, for I am simply in pain in all aspects of my self. Remember who I truly am and will be again and just be patient while I find my way through the physical pain that has been added to me and that I am realizing might be a part of me. Sometimes accepting what you have been dealt can be a huge help in living your life with joy. I was there and once I accept this new stuff I will be again. Acceptance doesn’t mean I give up or that I’m not going to try to find ways to alleviate the pain and illness but without acceptance I cannot even get there.

Sale on MY books – Jan 26, 2012 through Feb 14, 2012

All of my current publications are ON SALE!!!! Right now through Valentines Day!!! 20% off! That is an INCREDIBLE savings and they all make perfect gifts!

Starting with of course my oldest publication, which is Poems for the Soul! This ORIGINAL collection of poetry is being offered at a 20% discount for the first time EVER! Not only that but it might be the last chance to purchase this soon to be collector’s edition before it is removed from inventory FOREVER!

Followed by Sacred Journeys. This entirely new collection of the “best of 2011″ blog posts is being offered at the rate of 20% off for the first and possibly only time this year. This edition includes the blog “Road to Forever” which is the perfect Valentine’s blog article and the perfect gift to share with that special someone you want to walk this journey with.

And finally, the epitome of poetry collections including many of Tracy’s prayer creations, Walk With Me. An inspirational poetry book. Poetry and Prayers to touch the very essence of your soul. Original photography by Tracy Seekins and artwork by John Seekins.

Remember this offer is ONLY good through Valentine’s Day and is an AMAZING savings on the PERFECT Valentine’s Day gifts. Why not consider buying all three for that special someone and really SHINE! Today is the day to create that perfect memory and what better way than to buy them something truly unique that lasts longer than just the moment that you hand it to them (with that dozen roses you ought to buy too of course).

AND.......


Save an additional 20% when you use the code below by Feb 3

Or choose to use ' whoashipping ' for free ground shipping through Jan 31st. 

It's All About the Journey

Have Fun IT!

I’ve been thinking a LOT lately about the meaning of life and our journey here. Maybe not so much the meaning but the journey itself.

I think you reach certain ages and there are these moments when someone says something that makes you look back over your life and realize things that you couldn’t have during the experience of it.

For instance I can look back now and know with complete certainty that I wish I had spent MORE time with my kids. Yes I was a stay at home mom for most of their lives but I know now that I was selfish. I remember thinking how pointless life was and how bored I was with it, when I should have been savoring every moment of who they were. I should have been creating MORE memories, for there never are truly enough wonderful ones.

I look back now and wish that I had been more accepting of every single dream they ever had, instead of trying to create dreams for them. I wish I had encouraged them more and done so much less stifling. I wish I had hugged more and yelled less. I wish I had listened more and worried less.

I look back over my years and wish I had done more running and playing when I could have, for now that the ability is gone from my body and my children are grown I wish I had those memories to look back on for us all.

Did I really think they would turn out so bad if I didn’t push and worry all the time? Did I think that if I let them dream they might end up so bad off? I was so worried about them not having money and careers that I pushed them when I should have been playing. I worried when I should have been enjoying. I can’t change that now but I can offer it to other young moms. Stop worrying and enjoy them. Stop rolling your eyes and stick out your tongue. Stop cleaning and dance.

I look at my husband and wonder how I can make him see that every moment we have is precious, even those moments when it feels like there is no LIFE left to our life. The fact that we have each other is amazing.

Yesterday, while I lay here sicker than I’ve been in years and crying, my husband spontaneously came over and just held me and stroked my head. Even though I looked and felt like crap, he came over and made me feel special and took care of me. I’ll hold that moment forever.

In general we simply need to strive for more of those moments, for when we are old and leaving this world that is what we will remember. Those memories are the ones we will hang on to and cherish. We will not wish we worked more or made more money, for in the end money won’t be what matters. In the end we will remember the love and the laughter.

So the next time you are bored and wondering what the hell is wrong with your life, STOP! Take that moment to create something amazing to hang onto or for someone else to hang on to. Create a special moment. Make someone you love feel completely as special as they are to you. Shine the sun of love upon them and watch the flowers of a new memory bloom all around.

Know that in THAT moment you truly lived. Know that in that moment you actually found that “meaning of life” stuff that we all search for. Because really THAT is the meaning, that is the purpose, and in the end that will be what mattered most in this whole crazy journey.